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No nice clothes for dead grandmother!

21 replies

fgh123 · 25/06/2024 06:55

My grandmother died last Thursday of old age. She was 91.

Due to scheduling issues of the funeral institute, she will be buried 2 weeks later, on July 5th.

It's quite hot in our country, we're not in the UK. We therefore decided against an open coffin as she might decompose despite her body being stored at a cool temperature.

After she died, the carers in her care home washed her and they put a nappy on her and an old shirt.

My sister viewed the body with my mother and helped her and my uncle to clear the room.

My sister reminded my mother several times to consider what clothes my grandmother should wear in her coffin. Despite that, my mother and uncle decided to donate most of her clothes and just said "it would be sorted".

The funeral institute now called us and asked us to bring along some clothes.

My sister kept some of my grandmother's nice blouses and I said I could drop them off at the funeral institute.

My mother initially agreed, but now decided that my grandmother should just be buried as she is, in her old T-shirt and her nappy and that nobody should bring some nice clothes for her to wear.

She threatened to remove my name from the banner on the funeral wreath, if I keep bringing up the topic.

My sister and myself are quite shocked and find it appalling.

We now have a big fight in the family WhatsApp group going on.

None of us deal with dead people on a regular basis, but isn't it normal to bury your family members in their best clothes? Even if the coffin won't be open and the body will decompose anyway?

Thanks for your advice xx

OP posts:
carguide24 · 25/06/2024 06:57

was your mother close to her mother?

cansu · 25/06/2024 06:57

It seems an odd thing for your mother to make a scene over. What is she like generally?

carguide24 · 25/06/2024 06:58

there is no “normal”

it seems so trivial and your grandmother would no doubt be distraught this is causing such a divide in the family

FGS see the bigger picture.

Willmafrockfit · 25/06/2024 07:00

can you buy a shirt

RatZilla · 25/06/2024 07:01

carguide24 · 25/06/2024 06:58

there is no “normal”

it seems so trivial and your grandmother would no doubt be distraught this is causing such a divide in the family

FGS see the bigger picture.

I think she would probably be pretty distraught she's being buried in a t-shirt and nappy!

It wouldn't bother me but my gran of the same age planned her burial outfit and wanted to be well presented in death. Many people do.

I would just take some nice clothes, buy them if need be.

It seems disrespectful to me. I know she is gone and won't know but I would want my body treated with respect and I wouldn't want to be left in an old t-shirt and nappy.

fgh123 · 25/06/2024 07:02

carguide24 · 25/06/2024 06:57

was your mother close to her mother?

There were a lot of problems in my family a couple of years ago, as my grandmother decided to give my uncle more of her inheritance (inheritance was gifted before her death). My uncle convinced her to do so.

My mother went NC with my grandmother for 2 years, but has grown close again in recent years and we've forgiven her, although our relationship was never fully repaired.

Irregardless of that, I tbink my grandmother should be buried in nice clothes.

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 25/06/2024 07:02

Just get a nice skirt and shirt, doesn't have to be brand new

timetobegin · 25/06/2024 07:03

Just get some nice clothes and take them to the funeral home.

nzborn · 25/06/2024 07:05

My relatives were happy to bury my grandmother in her nightie, I went and got her best of everything including underwear and her lipstick, if this isn't possible you might be able to get something lovely forum a charity shop .

IncompleteSenten · 25/06/2024 07:08

I'm sorry for your loss.
I have no idea about customs throughout the world but my own experience is that yes, traditionally the deceased is dressed in something nice or formal

But the truth is it doesn't actually matter from a burial point of view. It's purely that it feels like it's respecting them by dressing them well.

What matters is not what she's buried in, it's that you are paying your respects at her funeral and honouring her.

It's just not worth focusing on what she's wearing or getting into arguments about.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 25/06/2024 07:12

carguide24 · 25/06/2024 06:58

there is no “normal”

it seems so trivial and your grandmother would no doubt be distraught this is causing such a divide in the family

FGS see the bigger picture.

What?! I would be very upset at the lack of dignity of being buried in a nappy if it was my relative. It's not trivial.

OnionPond · 25/06/2024 07:13

fgh123 · 25/06/2024 06:55

My grandmother died last Thursday of old age. She was 91.

Due to scheduling issues of the funeral institute, she will be buried 2 weeks later, on July 5th.

It's quite hot in our country, we're not in the UK. We therefore decided against an open coffin as she might decompose despite her body being stored at a cool temperature.

After she died, the carers in her care home washed her and they put a nappy on her and an old shirt.

My sister viewed the body with my mother and helped her and my uncle to clear the room.

My sister reminded my mother several times to consider what clothes my grandmother should wear in her coffin. Despite that, my mother and uncle decided to donate most of her clothes and just said "it would be sorted".

The funeral institute now called us and asked us to bring along some clothes.

My sister kept some of my grandmother's nice blouses and I said I could drop them off at the funeral institute.

My mother initially agreed, but now decided that my grandmother should just be buried as she is, in her old T-shirt and her nappy and that nobody should bring some nice clothes for her to wear.

She threatened to remove my name from the banner on the funeral wreath, if I keep bringing up the topic.

My sister and myself are quite shocked and find it appalling.

We now have a big fight in the family WhatsApp group going on.

None of us deal with dead people on a regular basis, but isn't it normal to bury your family members in their best clothes? Even if the coffin won't be open and the body will decompose anyway?

Thanks for your advice xx

Not necessarily. Until fairly recently in my country it was standard for people to be buried in a ‘habit’. But it doesn’t matter what’s normal elsewhere. Buy some clothes if you’d prefer.

carguide24 · 25/06/2024 07:15

who spent most time with grandmother at the end? with her? cared for her before she went to care home?🏡

Procrastinates · 25/06/2024 07:16

I would take some clothes in regardless. I'd rather not be on a banner for one day which people probably won't even take note of than spend the rest of my life knowing she wasn't buried in something nice.

MushMonster · 25/06/2024 07:17

OP, just do it. If they will not give you presentable clothes for your grandma, just buy them and take them to the funeral home.
It is a simple sign of respect for the person being buried.
Maybe your mother and uncle are having sime issues with their grievance.

HamBagelNoCheese · 25/06/2024 07:20

Does your country/culture have any specific traditions? I've known people want to be buried in all sorts, from their best formal clothes, to a comfy pair of pyjamas.

Could you sort something and let the funeral place have it? Does your mum actually need to know?

I'm sorry for your loss and the difficulties you're having. Death often brings out either the best or the worst in people!

AGlinnerOfHope · 25/06/2024 07:21

Don’t fall out with people who are alive, to protect someone who is now dead. Don’t have a row by WhatsApp. Have a conversation-

Mum, why do you want nan buried just as she is, instead of in smart clothes?
She may have a completely different perspective from you.

My nan was buried in a shroud.
My MiL is upset her mum was cremated with her jewellery.

Everyone is different.

isthesolution · 25/06/2024 07:21

I'd honestly not mind what she was buried in.

Maybe your mother is just grieving and doesn't want to deal with your questions about clothes or, the clothes themself. Maybe she feels upset that it's something you are dwelling on. Maybe she hates the thought of someone dressing/undressing your grandmother at this stage. I'm not saying that makes your opinion any less valid - just trying to find a reason for her behaviour.

I'd let it go. I'm very sorry but your grandmother is dead - she doesn't know/care what she is wearing and your mum as her closest relative has made the decision on the clothes. It's certainly not worth arguing over.

twentysevendresses · 25/06/2024 07:21

Take some nice clothes to the funeral home, and then buy your own wreath with your name on it.

Your mum is probably grieving...grief does very strange things to people and it can result in some odd behaviour. This sounds like one of those 'odd behaviours'...don't let it come between you, but do what you feel is right by your grandma.

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

StormingNorman · 25/06/2024 07:25

You should take some clothes and leave your mum out of it. Buy them if you need to.

stilllovebeetroot · 25/06/2024 11:02

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