My ex was a monster to me, but Mr Charming to everyone else, including our two dc.
He was physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. I ran two businesses and did voluntary work while he sat in his man cave, watching porn (while pretending to work). My work was being a childminder and also running a community magazine. Both businesses meant i could be with my children always. He controlled my thoughts and even the way I walked (which wasn't sexy enough) all while framing himself as a victim of my "high standards" and also blaming that he was bullied in primary school. My high standards were that he was smelly because he wouldn't wash for days, he had dirty fingernails and he never brushed his teeth, which were slimy and he had bad breath. My other high standards were that when we had sex, it was over in minutes and I was left unfinished. (He actually looked up the average length of sex in the uk and said I should be grateful)
He mistreated me and neglected me in a cycle of abuse for 10 years. I did all I could to protect my children from it and pretended that life was great. After all, we had two successful businesses, well off with two cars, house and gorgeous, well-dressed children.
I couldn't even begin to tell anyone that I was in a violent and abusive relationship. How would they believe me?
He threatened me whenever i said i wanted to break up, that if I ever left him, he would see me in the gutter, I'd be bankrupted, have nothing, no man would ever want me and the children would be taken away from me. He destroyed my self esteem and self worth and I stupidly believed everything he said for too long.
I have just found out I am autistic and one of my traits is believing what people say to me. I just don't have a filter when it comes to speech. Some say I'm naive or innocent and people laugh at how gullible I am. I'm working on it with a great therapist.
I left my ex in 2011 and now married with 1 dc.
Anyway. Yesterday, my eldest child packed his bags and left. Now both my children have gone. My eldest, age 20 lost his temper with me because my baby was crying and I was ignoring her. She was stood right in front of me. My son was livid and demanded to know why I wasn't comforting her.
I couldn't answer because the radio was on and I have laryngitis and can't speak above a whisper, so I shook my head at him and gestured to the radio. He picked her up and started shouting that I was out of order letting 19 month old dd cry.
I jumped up, turned the radio off and started shouting in a hoarse whisper but he wouldn't let me speak. He just turned into a carbon copy of his dad.
I tried to explain that dd had been biting me and that I was touched out from breastfeeding all night and being scratched (she is going through a new bout of teething) and that I had just put her down, because I was touched out and over stimulated and she was crying because I wouldn't let her bite me. So in that context, he should understand and just take the baby and give me a minute to myself. He knew I had lost my voice but insisted I should have answered his question when he asked me a minute before.
He wasn't interested and it turned into an argument. My husband tried to explain what touched out and over stimulated meant, but my son wouldn't hear of it.
He then went on to call me a liar and that everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie. He said he doesn't believe that I have PTSD (it's diagnosed). He doesn't believe any of the abuse against me. He says his dad is a much nicer person than I am, and we were just both as bad as each other when we were together. A statement which cut like a knife because I absolutely was mot anything like him. I was a victim who spent all her time trying to hide the abuse from the children. I suffered horribly and still very much suffering and I have been in therapy for 6 years for what he did to me.
My dd left when she was 11 because i had the audacity to confiscate her phone as she was on some really dodgy websites and she was addicted to it 24/7.
She was using her phone to bully her friends, which was horrible. Even though she was clearly the perpetrator, i spoke to her gently and tried to make her understand why her actions might not be kind and could she handle things differently. An example of her bullying was forcing her friend to eat a whole raw onion in a game of dare, when her friend didn't want to. And calling her friends bitches etc. I would ask her to imagine how she might feel, but my dd would say she doesn't care "those are the rules".
She lied to me every day about all kinds of minor things. Wouldn't listen to anything I said and just had complete contempt of me. Like I would ask really nicely to please brush her teeth or get dressed for school. She would say "OK mum!" And just not do it. She would be on her phone. After 6 times asking nicely, I would shout and that was all she would remember, mum shouted. It was horrible. I tried everything to work with her. Looking back, I was always anxious, shaking, hyper vigilant because of her behaviour. What was she going to do next? She wouldn't eat what I would cook and instead gorge herself on sweets and crisps. Saying my cooking was "shit". I spent hours cooking wholesome meals and regularly asked what they would want. My son was a great eater, my daughter only wanted yellow food.
She would go to her dad's place for the weekend and she would have zero restrictions. She ate junk food and her dad was the epitome of Disney dad. He paid no maintenence, bought no clothes, took them on no holidays, did no appointments. Just pizza, chips, beans on toast and computer and phone 24/7. He was the parent who said yes to everything. Yes to junk, yes to TV 24/7. I was the parent who created appropriate boundaries and planned adventures that involved leaving the house.
How could I compete with that?
So now my son has gone, along with my daughter. They both hate me. They both think I was an abuser. I took them on holidays, picnics, paid for all the after school clubs, school trips, clothes, toys, shoes, everything. I loved them, supported them, taught them values about honesty. But I had PTSD and undiagnosed autism. I had my special interests, sometimes i would have panic attacks and be struggling. Things they used to both sneer and laugh at me, they had zero sympathy. As the years went by, their contempt of me grew. They sneered at things I took joy in. I remember a song on the radio came on. Uptown Girls and I switched the radio up to sing along to and my son would shouted at me to "shut the fuck up". My son was lovely but he could just turn into his dad at the snap of fingers.
My daughter would say "you're obsessed with me brushing my teeth. I'll do it when I'm ready" she could be holding her phone in her hand and I'd say "put your phone away, we've got to go!" And she would immediately put her phone down and say "I'm not even holding my phone, look!" And look at me like she hated me.
My son once asked me what my problem was with his dad, and as he had become an adult, I told him. I gave him loads of examples. He decided I am a liar.
So 20 years after having my eldest, they are both gone. They want nothing to do with me. They've chosen the abuser, disguised as a Disney dad.
Don't have children with controlling men. If you have any doubts about him. Run away.
I'm very happy with an amazing, wonderful man now and we have a daughter together. He is my carer and my panic attacks are much less. Finding out I'm autistic means I'm learning coping strategies. I am the type of person that finds joy in bord song, a stick covered in lichen is like treasure to me. I love foraging and singing and dancing. Instead of being told to shut the fuck up and being told I am weird by my own children, I can be myself.
But there will always be a pain in my heart. My other children have sided with an abuser. Nothing I did to protect them helped.