Getting through first days as a single parent

[Appleloafcake]

So my husband left yesterday, after a year of pain there was a final straw on Friday night and I've left him.

He's got some of his things and will sleep at his mums until he finds somewhere to live and sorts out whatever mental health issues led him to behave the way he has.

I'm at home with my 6 year old who keeps asking for daddy. I've had to explain so many times that daddy won't be living here any more. It hurts my heart every time. My wedding photos are all over the house. We were such a tight little family. I've said he can come over after work on Tuesday to see my child for a couple of hours.

How do I get through the next hours and days?? What can I do? How do I support my 6 year old? I've no family in this country, and they can't come here, and no local friends.

Your 6 year old? Or a shared 6 year old? You write as though he isn’t the father?

@WiseBiscuit he's shared with my husband. I thought that was clear when I referred to him as his "daddy" . He'll live with me 100% of the time, and will be able to see his dad at home, starting with a visit on Tuesday.

50/50 is the default for custody, have you got any reason to think he won’t want that?

A normal routine is important, lots of reassurance as children often assume they are responsible for break ups. School needs to know so they can support. You can also look for books that feature separated families to normalise it.

A deterioration in behaviour is usually seen though, either regressions in sleep or toileting, more anger or tantrums etc so lots of love and affection needed.

You used “my child” and “my 6 year old” repeatedly, that’s why it’s not clear if he has PR.

You mentioned 'your child' giving the impression your husband was not the father.
Again not clear as you state 'you left him' yet he has moved out?
It is important to look after yourself, make sure you eat something even if you have no appetite.
I would probably not tell your child that daddy does not live here anymore, just that he has had to go away and deal with it gradually.

If this is very recent, it seems you’ve shared a lot with your son over a short space of time.

What happens if your husband wants to take his son out, or to see his grandparents? Is the house jointly owned or rented?

In the short term, just keep as much of a routine as you can for the six year old and try not to show your upset. If he’s asking where his father is, he’ll want to know that he can still see him and spend time with him.

This happened to me when DS was 6 months old so I can't offer any help on the child front, but something that helped me was moving around the furniture and changing the layout / presentation of rooms. I did this immediately. The reason this helped is I didn't want to eg sit at the dining table looking at a blank space where my ex would usually sit. I didn't want to notice his absence everywhere. I also planned my evenings in advance - whether arranging a phone call or deciding that I would watch a particular film or bake a particular thing so I didn't come downstairs after bedtime to a quiet empty house and feeling lonely.

What was the final straw?

Thank you for the advice. The house is rented, and I'll remain here, as this is what's best for my son.

He can't have any custody of our child at this point, I'm not going to go into the reasons, but we're both in agreement with this. If in the future his situation changes, and its possible to take on some overnights, I'll support this. For now, we'll set a routine where my son gets to see him, spend time with him and have dinner with him at our house or his parents.

I'm also not going to share the particulars of what happened to end things. There was no violence or abuse. He had opportunities to change, he did not take them and I can no longer be in a relationship with him.

I've ordered some books to help navigate this with my son, and I'll speak to the school on Monday.

Well that's just why I asked OP, to understand if perhaps violence or other abuse was a factor. Clearly if so, you'd then want to limit contact and have things supervised while those issues are worked through.

I would discuss and set some initial terms re contact and ensure your child sees his dad, either at yours or where he is staying. It's about minimising impact on your child and ensuring their needs are met. I would keep it light on the answers in terms of "why isn't daddy here?" type questions and a breezy "daddy is staying somewhere else now but you'll still spend time with him and see him". Then aside from that, take care of you. Let the standards slip for a bit if you need to, don't sweat the small stuff.

Sounds like you've got plans in place already anyway, so best of luck.

You are right at the epicentre of this massive life change

Be kind to your self and expect to be kind to yourself for some time.

Even though you ended it expect to feel pain and grief. If not immediately it will come. Grief for loss of the imagined future and the past, when it was good.

Agree what you are telling your child about the split with your ex and stick to it.

Be consistent with all other routines as much as possible with him.

Literally take one hour at time, then one day.. it's about the little steps.

Make back up plans for parenting e.g if school ring and child is ill, will ex collect him if you aren't available. What about if you have to go out in an emergency without him? Having a plan is helpful (it was for me)

Friends friends and more friends. You will probably find out who your friends are tbh. Some will feel threatened with you now being single (ludicrous imo)

You absolutely have this and can do it. I'm several years down the line. Children were a similar age when I chose to leave and we have done well.

@Appleloafcake you'll get through this

Would DS believe 'Daddy is staying at Nanny & Grandads because they need lots of help just now'

'on Tuesday/ in 2 sleeps (whatever) Daddy is going to come to play & have dinner with you'

Find a semi plausible reason for DH not living with you right now, it doesn't need to be anywhere near the truth or even that realistic it just needs to be something that DS understands'

cut yourself some slack, just chill
out with DS. Go to the park, take a picnic tea, watch a film he loves. Maybe have a bath together (or sit with him while he has a 'playing bath'. Get some bits out of the toy bac/kitchen to make potions in.

supper & bed with lots of stories & a cuddle.

whatever was your Final Straw (drugs, cheating, gambling, mad behaviour & that's your private business) it sounds like you've done the right thing, you just have to maintain it now.

keep busy with friends, move the furniture around, buy new bedding. Whatever it takes to help you with a new start!

if he is trustworthy enough/able to I would encourage him to take DS to his parents (even if they have to help collect him or you drop him off) having him come to the house isn't the best thing for DS OR for your boundaries.