Friend with additional needs

[TickingKey46]

I will try and keep this short. I have a friend who has a couple of children, they all have additional needs. I've become a bit of a mentor/mother figure to her, as she's had some very tricky situations with her children.

She was forever messaging, calling etc etc, but it was always heavy and intense. She has recently latched on to another friend and has pretty much distanced herself from me. I was happy with this and decided it was time to distance myself. Not only for myself but my own children as her child is the same age as one of mine and tbh isn't very nice to her. Not that the mum noticed this.
Anyhow she has started to gravitate back towards me as there is some tension between her and her new friend. She asks me if our children can meet up, or walk places together. I don't want to openly create a rift but I do want to back away as I don't find her and her children easy to spend time and am left feeling like her child is actually rude and unkind to mine. Of course children can be like this but the mum just doesn't see it. There is a lot of screaming, shouting and tension between mum and the oldest child so in her eyes the younger child can do no wrong.
I don't want to be unkind or make my feelings known, there is no point. I want to back away kindly, but I'm struggling to navigate this. Any words of wisdom from someone who's been in a similar situation?

Just be incredibly unavailable for any meet-ups or socialising. You don’t need to make an issue of it, just be very busy

Jeez
Thank you, that'd the kind of stance I've taken so far.
I think the issue became harder as my child became more and more upset at her child's behaviour. I'm honest with my child and guide her through how to handle these situations. But I also would like to see my child have less to do with her child, as she's just not a good friend and at times is actively unkind. I also think her child will dictate and manipulate a situation so my child doesn't make more friends/plays with others. So things like meeting up or walking to school together is something I want to avoid.
The mum's also very firey and and will message and say if she thinks my child's upset hers. She often doesn't see it for what it is, tbh it's all so flipping heavy.

Bump, anyone?

As the previous poster said. I'd never be available to this person especially if it's with her child. If alone and you can handle it, then fine.

I've done with a couple of friends and our friendship sadly fizzled because of this. Unfortunate but worth it - my dc's mental health come first. I'd never knowingly put my dc in situations where they're constantly being treated badly anymore than I'd do that to myself. So it's a no.

How old are dc? Could you suggest groups you can go to and perhaps meet at rather than one to one?

I’d be unavailable a lot of the time.

The child isn't always unkind but, my child is on tender hooks as the minute things don't go her way she's very rude.
She does things like, look my child up and down giving a filthy look, stops off constantly, dictates who can play with who and what games they play. Agrees to partner up with my child then goes off with someone else.
The mum just doesn't see it, so there's nothing to be gained by saying anything. The whole family and the family dynamics are very strained.

I'm sorry but Im not sure it really works for us. The kids don't get on like they used to and I don't want to force friendships.

Avoid avoid avoid.

Message her and tell her that your snowed under at the minute but you will get back to her when you're able to arrange something. Then mute her and ignore her. If she keeps messaging then re iterate after about a week.

What to tell you that PP's haven't already told you...???

You know what you need to do. There isn't any other way. You have to put your child's interests first, and that means not arranging playdates.

I was going to suggest similar. By saying the kids aren't getting along well rather than approving apportioning blame you're being more neutral.

Are the children at school together?

Wiggleweggle
I was just looking for reassurance as the situations difficult as I'm friends with the mum. Don't really want the drama of saying too much, but also don't want to hang around with her anymore.

Yes kids go to school together.

By additional needs, do you mean neurodivergence? If so, there is often a strong genetic link and your friend might well also be neurodiverse and see certain behaviours and actions as completely normal, because to her (and in her childhood) they were normal.

Just make sure you aren’t available if you don’t want to continue the friendship but be polite about it so that it doesn’t make things difficult at school.

Next time she asks for a meet up with all of you together id say something like

I’d love to see you and I can do x, y and z time. Just to let you know it’ll probably be just me. Child is getting more like a teenager every day and I can’t get her to do anything at the moment!

Fuzzy

That's exactly right. She does many things that are just a bit "off". Eg text 10, 13 messages at a time! Be very demanding of my time, everything's a drama and hard work. She certainly struggles to regulate herself and is very reactive. She knows herself she has additional needs.
She's not a bad person and does her best but I feel as if I've propped her up a lot. I come away feeling exhausted and some what frustrated as she often closes you down when she doesn't want to hear what you say. She's been to my house many, many, many times, but only been to hers a couple. I feel like I'm always either listening to her or helping her out with something. I feel as if I'm being unkind but she just started being distant with me when she got a new friend. Now the new friend has also distanced herself, she's trying to come back to me. Feel a bit used tbh.

You’re not being unkind. You’re protecting yourself and your child, not before time from the sounds of things! You’ve tolerated a lot and you’re done now. Use the wording suggested and say no thanks as the kids haven’t been getting along for a while.