Autistic adults - friendships

[SearchingForChocolate]

I guess I'm wondering if there's any other autistic adults out there who understand my struggles.

Like many autistic people, I have struggled with friendships my whole life. I have spent huge chunks of my adult life without a 'proper' friend (as opposed to friendly acquaintances). When I very occasionally manage to make a real friend I constantly worry about losing them because I love them so much, which often leads me to be too needy and push too hard, and I end up driving them away (self-fulfilling prophecy!).

How do others deal with this? It hurts so much when I perceive them pulling away.

I am autistic and I have never really had friendships as an adult. It's something I have made my peace with so I never get needy, I just accept what will be will be. I have acquaintances who I am friendly with if I see them in a certain situation, but tbh the past few years have been busy enough that I don't make much of an effort there any more. I know I have my DH and my dc and they are the only people who really matter to me.

Thanks, I'm glad you've made peace with it. I am single with no children, so my friends (when I can find one) become the most important social connection in my life - which probably doesn't help matters.

Im I my forties and I've made my peace with it.

I do a lot with family. I like to read. I go to a monthly book club. I go to a carers coffee morning once a month.

I chat on mn abit. I don't feel lacking.

That's nice that you have family to hang with. I'm single, no children, and although I chat to my mum and dad on the phone, they both are a plane ride away - I have no family where I live.

My career is fairly social (wrong career for an autistic person but there we go!) so it's not about feeling isolated, I think I just have such a strong longing for friends despite them being hard to find, make, and keep.

I coped by forcing myself to adjust how I am fulfilled socially. Little chats and interactions with colleagues, messages with family, a book club.

This also enabled me to make two friends, we’re not super close but I used to be the same as you and get attached and over anxious. Now that I see it as a “nice to have” because I feel fulfilled in other ways it’s easier not to go OTT with them.

I still get sad sometimes, and feel lonely or like I’ve missed out on having a “girl group” and silly things like a group chat. But it doesn’t get me as down as it used to.

It is so tough to make and keep friendships as an adult, let alone as an autistic one.

More and more it’s just about other ND people. So people who will understand the struggle even if it’s not quite exactly the same.

If you have a hobby or interest could you try to have some social interaction around that?

Would online friendships work for you.?

I don’t really have many friends i am totally fine with it, I have like 5 friends in the entire world and they’re all gems so I don’t care. Ive not been diagnosed but am pretty sure I am autistic although mildly. My sons and sisters both are.

Day to day the only adult I speak to is my husband, which sounds horrendous but I’m very content. I’m always busy and never feel lonely. What I do realise though is I do 2 or 3 gym classes a day I think t get my social input from that.. I wonder if it would work for you? Regular social interaction but the focus is on another activity so no pressure.

I struggle with small talk, can’t read social cues very well and just find the whole friend thing a grinding strain.

It's not so much about lacking social interaction as I do have quite a bit of that and equally am really happy on my own. It's more that, when I find a person that I really click with and can actually be myself around without constantly masking, it's such a special thing to me. When I don't have a really close friend I'm not hugely bothered, but when I do, they mean the world to me and I'm just a bit too loyal 😅

I find most people fickle and loyalty is not something I come across often ( autistic person here also ). So for the most part, I avoid any sort of beyond surface level interactions. It can be lonely yes but I don’t do fickle.

5 friends sounds amazing!

I don't think 'lonely' is the right term for me either. I definitely have people I'm friendly with, but they're not people I would hang out with outside the context that I know them in. But rarely do I find someone I can just be me with - I've had 3 such people in my life over the past 15 years (one at a time).

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Perhaps I'm actually really lucky to have found those people in the first place.

I'm autistic and I my 50s. The only close friends I've had as an adult have ended up bullying me. According to my autism diagnosis report, I'm very vulnerable to bullying because i don't recognize social cues, body language etc but am also very loyal and kind .

I've got a few friends who I sometimes meet at a coffee shop. I have a coffee at home with my neighbours several times a week.

I spent quite a lot of time with my grown up DCs.

I like my own company.

Sounds like maybe you're looking for a partner OP rather than a friend. Being somebody's one special person is probably too much for most people looking for friendship but would be the usual aim of online dating for example.

I'm mildly autistic, you are right about finding the ones you click with. It's really just time and exposure when it comes to finding them. My closest friends I would say are all some way cognitively diverse. Most of them are dyslexic or high functioning autism I think but not diagnosed. I've met them through different things I have done - 1 from school, 1 from college, 4 from in between jobs, 1 from a placement we did together. If you signed up to say a group course in something you are interested in, 1 friend could come from that etc. I find it easier to bond over a shared experience. I don't see them all at the same time or frequency.

I also agree about looking for a partner, the important thing is to not completely merge with them though and still maintain friendships outside the relationship, which requires a good understanding of your energy levels.

@SearchingForChocolate

That I totally get. I had a best friend from being a toddler into my twenties who was my person . Something changed as we got older it wasn't getting married and having kids. It was when the kids got older we just seemed to grow apart. I see her occasionally but she cancels a lot. We are not in each others lives day to day anymore . It's more like a reunion when we do meet.

Then I had another close friend who I saw every day we lived in each others pockets. She fell out with me because she felt I didn't understand her. I was really hurt but could also take on board that I can be a bit self involved. That friendship lasted about five years

I had one that lasted about two years she drifted away once she started working full time.

Then I had another that dumped me as soon as she got a boyfriend .

Then I had another best friend who again I saw most days we would talk about everything. We stopped being friends when our dds fell out and she refused to recognise her DDs role in that. We were friends for 15 years.

After that I really struggled with friendship and not having a close friend but also didn't want the hassle. I tried to reconnect with the first friend but had to accept it was one sided.

I felt sad about it for a while , it was that feeling of everyone else has a great time socialising and having fun and I had none. It's exactly how I felt in school (I got bullied a lot)

Then I met my dh and my dds got older and they are very much my people now. I've managed to accept friendships are probably not for me as I'm all in. Which works fine in teens but can be a bit much as an adult for some people.

I'm also same in relationships I love intensely or I don't. There's not much middle ground for me.

I appreciate all the thoughts.

It's really not at all similar to a partner. It's very much just a normal strong friendship, but for me, those connections are of such high value because I've struggled with friendships since I was a small child. It's not really something I can explain easily, but I do know (and have experienced!) the difference between a friend and a partner!

I think this takes a long time to work out. There were several factors for me.

When I was young I was more like you are now. I would get lost in a relationship, and it turned out that, for me, those were really unhealthy relationships and not just because of my side of things.

I learned about other's emotional intensity and how I could have friends who were not overwhelming and demanding, challenging, and how in turn I could make meaningful connections without being this way myself.

I also thought about what I prefer and loathe in social interactions, which means that people in my life share interests, values, ethics, etc.

No two NAT/ND people are alike, obviously, but my DH and two close friends are not NT and this is just invaluable. Our communication, expectations, assumptions, are all so straight forward and clear. We get each other.

I could go on but your list might be different.