WWYD - paying for meal as ‘thank you’

[Blackberryandcherry]

Please bear with me as this is a long one 🤦🏼‍♀️

One of my friends (not a close one) was clearing out her wardrobe and invited me to see if I would like anything before she sent the bags to charity. I thought this was lovely and I took her a big bunch of flowers to say thank you.

In reality, only a few items fitted (most were too big) and a few things just weren’t to my taste. Away, I ended up coming away with a bin bag full of clothes including several items that I took out of sheer politeness as I didn’t want to offend. The clothes were a mix of cheaper brands such as Primark and some more expensive LK Bennett, All Saints dresses etc but all from a long time ago including peplum style (for example) which I just didn’t have the heart to say I simply wouldn’t wear anymore.

When I got home, I found some of the clothes were stained, had holes or bobbled so went straight out for recycling.

Anyway, on the way out of her house I thanked her for being so kind and generous and she said if you want to thank me you can pay for my dinner when we next go out which I nodded along to.

So fast forward to dinner last night where we went for a group meal with 5 other people. We ended up staying in the restaurant all evening and when the bill came it was £65 per person. I had remembered that she had mentioned me paying for dinner but I felt so flustered about the cost of it that by the time I had decided what would be a reasonable thing to do, everyone had just paid for their own.

Now I feel terrible and I’ve been stewing on it. I’m not really in a position to be spending £65 on a meal as a thank you, and I realise I shouldn’t have nodded along to this in the first instance.

I’m worried she’ll think I’m really mean as she kept saying oh this is a £300 dress, or I paid £170 for this dress etc. I would never spend that much on clothes so the cost to me is irrelevant but it must’ve meant a lot to her.

WWYD? I don’t know whether to mention it and apologise for ‘forgetting’, offer to pay next time in the hope of going somewhere cheaper, or just bury it given I already gave her flowers. Feeling super awkward about it all 😬

She was sending them to charity if you hadn't of had them, not selling them so I think expecting a meal is a bit cheeky! Maybe say a few things didn't fit once you got round to trying them on and what would she like you to do with them. That way she knows you've not had a lot of use out of them

Taking items "out of sheer politeness" is insanity. She wouldn't have cared especially if they didn't fit you, she was chucking them out.

You've put yourself in this position because she thinks (not unreasonably) you've had a stack of free clothes from her includign some expensive items.

First lesson is be true to yourself and don't be so over-anxious. No one would be offended if you weren't interested in any of it - people have different tastes.

Now you are in this position, DO NOT mention forgetting it in relatin to the meal just gone. That is a bad idea and makes you looks shift, cheap and a liar.

Your options are ask her out somewhere specifically 'as a thank you' cheaper and offer to pay as part of the invite.
or forget it.

Given you have posted about it on here and are likely to worry about it, plus your 'out of sheer politeness' suggests you are a highly anxious person, I'd go for the asking her out because I'm sensing you are going to stew and worry about it if you just 'forget it'.

If you truly think you can move on, then forget it unless she brings it up in which case you'll need to stump up .

Do not pay for her dinner. You got her flowers, and she's a cheeky cow for even suggesting that you buy her dinner ffs. She probably only invited you round to save herself a trip to the charity shop/skip.

Why on earth would she think you'd want her old clothes if she doesn't want them?

If she ever brings it up, say none of fit/suited you so you ended up taking it to the charity shop anyway. This implies that not only is there nothing to thank you for, you actually did her the favour.

Or if you’re really worried about it, go to a cafe for coffee and a cake, pay for that and say it’s a thanks for the clothes.

Sheer politeness?
Didn't have the heart to say?

Fucks sake, grow a backbone and learn to speak up. No that won't suit me, sorry that style is not my thing. It's not hard!

She was going to be chucking the clothes anyway so it's not like you were picking over family heirlooms.

No I wouldn’t say so, but she has a considerably more expensive taste in clothes than me. She knows I like to buy from Vinted / eBay which is why she probably thought I’d be interested

It's important to practice assertiveness in situations like these. You bought her flowers. There is no debt to repay.

She was really pushy when I went round. Even clothes that obviously didn’t fit she was insisting looked good on me and she really wanted me to take.

If it had been a closer friend I would certainly have felt more comfortable saying no, but I just felt super awkward about it given how much she really wanted me to have the stuff.

I’ve definitely put myself in this position and yes that will definitely be what she thinks… that I’ve had a whole load of expensive clothes for nothing 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m leaning towards just forgetting about it. We only meet up a couple of times a year anyway so hopefully by that time it’ll be forgotten about.

Starting to think this would’ve been the easier option mentally!

I already spent £20 on the flowers so I would’ve been annoyed with myself for spending another £65 on a bag of clothes that I didn’t especially need/want - it’s just too much.

If you still have the items I would message her: "hi friend, I've got round to trying on all those clothes you gave me and decided what I'm keeping. Do you want the rest back to sell or shall I just take them to the charity shop? I'm keeping 3 tops and one of the dresses (or whatever) so there's a fair pile to pass on."

That way she's got the option of selling on if she wants to and she knows you aren't keeping many.

Then, if she says anything about the meal: " oh, I only kept a few things and I got you that big bunch of flowers to say thanks, don't you remember?"

She was really pushy when I went round. Even clothes that obviously didn’t fit she was insisting looked good on me and she really wanted me to take.

Lesson learned for next time. Honestly, you need to work on your assertiveness. “No, really Emma, they’re not for me, no thanks”. And when she pushes, use your tone of voice and body language. Don’t smile and look grateful. Just say again that they’re not suitable for you. Don’t be worried about offending her.

Nobody can force someone to take stuff they don’t want, they can only make the person feel obliged to take it in order to please them. You need to be able to resist that.

I like this idea - thank you. I’m almost certain she’ll just tell me to pass onto charity as she’s already said she hasn’t got the time or capacity to sell.

If she mentions it
'Hi, thanks for bringing it up, it's been playing on my mind. I wanted to let you know that I tried everything on again when I got home. I kept x &y but sent the rest onto the charity shop. I was a bit overwhelmed at your house but thank you for thinking of me.'

Hopefully that will give the clue that those things equalled flowers not a meal.

Next time just say no to going, much easier.

This is good advice.

She wasn’t doing you a favour- you were doing her one by saving her a trip to the charity shop.

Of course you don’t have to pay for a £65 dinner for her. The fact she even suggested this makes me thinks he’s one of those people who will take whatever they can get from you, so you need to be firm.

She was incredibly rude to suggest you pay for her dinner after you'd already brought her flowers. I would forget it entirely; do not take her out for a meal or offer anything else.

"In reality, only a few items fitted (most were too big) "

This made me laugh!