Messed up my life simply by not really doing anything....

[SlipperyFish11]

I am sort of looking for anyone who might have been where I am and can give me some hope for the future.

Context: I'm 35, a single parent of 3 children (one with additional needs). I have ADHD, complex trauma from childhood, anxiety, depression, arthritis, and autism. I am pretty much always in pain and feeling run down. I keep getting folate deficiency which is messing up my fine motor skills in my hands.

Anyway, I haven't really done anything with my life. I'm 36 soon and I've not worked in 11 years. I went back to uni to do a second degree in 2020 and I didn't finish it. I'm meant to be going back in September to finish my final year but I've just lost all the love I had for it due to the academic element of it. It's not that I can't do it, pretty much all of my grades are 2:1s or 1sts, but it's...I don't know.

I volunteer every other weekend for 4 hours at a local charity with children but I come home exhausted afterwards and have to sleep.

I am a reasonably intelligent person and I know I could do good things but I'm just so lost with myself. I hate my disabilities, I hate my energy levels, I hate that I have no career of which to speak. I always wanted a career. I feel like a terrible role model to my children..

I don't even know where to begin with what to do next. Any advice or words of wisdom appreciate.

Give yourself some credit. You have done and do a lot with your life. You raise three children. You contribute socially at a charity. You are one year away from completing a degree with very good to excellent grades. None of these are 'nothing'.

But I understand that underachievement feeling. It's very connected to ADHD.I've achieved things in the three months since starting ADHD meds that I failed to achieve before, despite trying and failing for 30 years. ADHD is a massive factor in underachieving, not finishing things and feeling overwhelmed and needing to sleep it off.

What would you like to achieve? Have you ever made a list of all the things, big small, easy and challenging , that you've always wanted to do or achieve? If you make one, it can be so satisfying even doing something very easy.

Thank you for this very lovely reply.. I think I was tired and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I guess my impending birthday is also making me reflect on what I've done and where other people are in their lives around me.

You make good points and something to think about. Thank you

Do you get DSA support for your ADHD and autism as part of your degree? You should be entitled to a specialist mentor to help with finishing your degree and staying on track. If you get a good mentor (and you might need to try a few to find one you click with), they can help with the negative self-talk that often holds us back. It would be a shame to quit now when you're so very nearly there and doing so well with it!

I'd also suggest looking into getting some counselling/talking therapy support as it sounds like you're achieving a lot, but still viewing it in a negative light and comparing yourself to others who probably haven't had to deal with half of what you've got on your plate.

You could look into getting talking therapy through your GP, but another source I've found particularly helpful and relevant to my life is counselling and coaching from my local carer's centre, so since you're a parent carer, that's definitely worth looking into. Also, I would subscribe to your carer's centre mailing list for events, etc, as it might help to meet some people dealing with similar issues to you so you don't judge yourself so harshly.

It might also be worth seeing if your local NHS autism/ADHD team can signpost you to any resources - it's very hit and miss depending on the area, but mine runs a monthly peer support group and workshops, which can be helpful.

And I would also reach out to your disability support team at uni and explain how you feel and see what support they can offer.

I don't know what your second degree is in or whether it's relevant to your intended career, but I think that in most cases, it would look better on your CV to complete it rather than to quit at this point - it's a much easier to sell to say to an employer "yes, I've been out of the workplace for a while because of caring responsibilities, but in that time I also completed this degree" than to have to explain the employment gap and why you quit 2/3 of the way through a degree.

Anyway, I haven't really done anything with my life.

You are raising 3 children, you have a degree and you support a charity while facing a whole host of impairments. You are amazing!! It's a sad reflection on our society that raising a family isn't enough. Raising a family with arthritis, or autism or anything else in itself is a huge achievement, never mind the combination of issues you have. Seriously OP I admire you, you have so much on your plate yet you give to charity.

Whether you want something more fulfilling is a different story..not sure if I can advise there. I just think you should be proud of what you have achieved so far.

Keep up the charity work. This will give you a nice chunk of experiences and the the references you need for whatever future you decides to do. Meanwhile, you’re raising your children, one with additional needs, plus you have your own stuff. You are doing enough right now so chop that guilt away!

I can definitely relate here OP. Autistic single mum (possibly with a side helping of ADHD), going through the perimenopause too. Two DC, one of whom is awaiting an autism assessment, although he manages life pretty well. I've got a degree, an MA, and my own creative business, but I'm constantly beating myself up for being shit.

I'm still totally reliant on tax credits and housing benefit- I think I could probably earn enough to support us if only I could put an 8 hour day in. But I can't- not with parenting as well. In an ideal world, I'd rise about 10, spend a couple of hours pottering around waking up and doing housework, then go down the studio and work until about 8.00pm. As it is, I drag myself up at 7.45, get the youngest to school, then get back home and collapse on the sofa for an hour, staring at my phone. A bit of yoga and pottering, and if I'm lucky I get 4 or 5 hours in the studio before it's time for the school run again, then a solid 4 or 5 hours of shopping, taxiing to activities, making dinner, child and life admin, housework etc, then collapse on the sofa at about 8.00.

I am so desperately trying not to beat myself up about this. It's true that some single mums do manage an 8 hour shift at work and then come home and do the second shift, and we shouldn't lose sight of what an epic achievement that is. But- and I cannot stress this enough - that shouldn't be the norm. It's totally normal for not everyone to be able to achieve this. Especially if you're ND, when you just do tire more easily. (When I do get a job on site, and have to put 100% in for a 7 hour stretch, I get home barely able to move or speak).

It's also shit that we have to sacrifice our dreams and ambitions to the grunt work of raising kids, which just has to take priority (just assuming your kids' dad is a useless POS like mine is. And that's a whole other subject and cause for guilt -"why did I choose someone like that for my kids' father?" Um, because ND women are often very vulnerable and emotionally naive and men like that can sniff us out?). And that we haven't got the energy to do both.

All I can really advise is to give yourself a break. It IS really fucking tough, and you are achieving so much, it's society at fault with its unrealistic expectation of mothers. We're just the ones closer to the edge and more vulnerable to falling under the wheels.

(As I wrote this, 14 year old DS just wandered in, we had a little chat and he told me he probably wouldn't have kids because he can see how difficult I find it 😪)

Being a single parent is rough and it's easy to spiral into negativity. You have kept going and whether the uni work is for you or not, look at what you are achieving.

And you are young. You have years ahead of you to use what you have done as a platform. It gets easier with children as they get older and they need you less.

Being a mother is important and you are doing that!

It's so important you understand how valuable it is and what great work you are doing in raising three children alone whilst I assume also trying to break the cycle and give them a childhood free from trauma.

Society has moved very far away from valuing this, so it's even more important that you can give value to it yourself.

Modern life is demanding a lot from everyone, at quite a cost in my opinion.

Who says you have to do all your achievements by 35/36 either? You've a lot of life left to do things and build.

I have medical issues/disability, work but have fewer children. I could not do this with three children including additional needs.

I've learnt some important things:

1 No one has the same starting point in life. You can't compare yourself to the destination more fortunate people arrive at.

2 Raising happy kids is a bloody big deal, so many cannot manage this.

3 Some days, for some people, getting up and getting things done is a huge achievement.

4 In the absence of having cheerleaders and people to big you up, you have to do this yourself. Regularly. I started by noting a few things that were good about my life Vs the hand I've been dealt. It's about context and the reality of what life is, not what it should be.

In the context of everything, you actually are killing it!

You’re tired!! It’s all tiring and you’ve got a lot on you. I’m no help with career etc advice but do try and appreciate how fab you are to do what you do 💝🌸💖

@SlipperyFish11

I guess my impending birthday is also making me reflect on what I've done and where other people are in their lives around me.

It really makes no sense to compare ourselves to others, because it is so easy to compare the one of us with a dozen or so others and think we should be/have/do what the twelve of them combined do. We see one person thriving at ther job, another in a brilliant relationship, a third is an amazing mum a fourth is always doing exciting things, a fifth has an immaculate home and is so organised etc etc. But they could be thinking of you: Slippery mangages to care for three children and still has the energy to volunteer for a charity - why can't I be more like her?

Anyway, I haven't really done anything with my life. I'm 36 soon and I've not worked in 11 years

So raising three DCs was easy and involved no work? Goodness, I'm impressed.

Well of course not, no one thinks that all, so give yourself a break OP. As PPs have said there is plenty of time to achieve lots, as well as bringing three new people into the world.

You say you haven't done anything, but then you say you're a single mum to three kids. You have lots of issues yourself, and did I read that they have SEN too. And you volunteer, too?

I think you are amazing and should be proud of yourself.

Hello. I'm sorry you're having a hard time too, it really is difficult. Your reply makes a lot of sense and thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

Try not to beat yourself up about what your son has said. If it's made him realise it's tough I think that's a good thing as he'll make his choices in the future from a realistic experience. So many people go into parenting with no real idea of the magnitude of responsibility and how you can never "clock off". I'm guessing that you're upset he can see you are struggling, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. We can't be perfect in front of our children, especially as we spend every single day with them when they're growing up. It's okay for them see what it's like to be an adult juggling a lot of responsibility and also with a disability.

Thank you for the really lovely replies, I appreciate it so much. I think I've heard a lot of chat about teaching children to "work for what you've got" lately on podcasts and in everyday conversations that it's made me panic I've not been doing that.

I will try to persist with uni. It really takes it out of me mentally, but as it's been said, it's just one more year and it will be difficult to explain why I haven't completed it for potential employers in the future. At the interview stage I don't tend to disclose my disabilities, but I don't like to lie either, so I would prefer not to have the explain it as inevitably I will end up disclosing.

@SlipperyFish11 disabilities are not always viewed with negativity by employers. In fact, there are organisations that will guarantee you an interview if you are disabled. You still need to be the best candidate at the interview, but it removes some barriers from the application process.

My employer does this. Lots of Local Authorities do also.

There's a list of Disability Confident employers here and lots of info on Google.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/disability-confident-employers-that-have-signed-up

Thank you. I know about this, but I don't believe them, so I don't disclose at interview. In reality it is reasonably difficult to find a truly disability-friendly employer.