Advice Needed - Understanding why some Mum Groups behave the way they do

[Betty1972]

I need some advice because I'm going through a tough time. I'm a single mom and I've always been independent and capable. I've worked hard all my life and my 7-year-old son loves football. He's part of a local team and knows all the boys from school. Lately, I've noticed that I feel left out when we go to matches. The other parents stand together and cheer for their kids, but they seem distant towards me. I always make sure to encourage all the boys, even if I feel alone. I found out that there's a separate group chat that I'm not included in. They've even planned a trip without inviting me. One of the moms who I thought was my friend is now part of this group and has pushed me away. I haven't done anything to offend them, so I don't understand why they're treating me like this. It's been really emotionally draining for me. There have been many instances where I've felt completely excluded, like when they invite everyone to the pub after a match but never ask me. Has anyone else experienced something like this with a clique of moms? How did you handle it without letting it affect you emotionally and mentally? By the way, my son is well-liked by everyone on the team, including the other parents.

I'm afraid there's people everywhere like this...there's often no rhyme or reason for it.

Sounds odd. Are you sure that bunch of mums are not friends completely separate to the footy? Poor of them not to reach out to you if you’re there all the time too. Do you make an effort to join them? I know at my kids stuff there’s a number if mums that tend to keep to themselves and I have respected that (usually attempted to interact and if they didn’t seem keen, would back off) but maybe there’s a misunderstanding that you don’t want part of the social scene?

@SantaBarbaraMonica No most of them only got to know each other via football, I am personable and do always make sure I stand with them, try and engage in the chats etc.

Like I say one was a friend of mine before the team were formed.

I always make sure I join in whenever I know of something, as I don't want my boy missing out in anyway, so even though these times are uncomfortable for myself I don't let it affect him.

I have questioned myself over and over again, and I honestly don't know of any reason for me to feel this way

Wow that’s unbelievably shit. Group dynamics are very very primitive. This kind of thing is seldom personal - the group wants an ‘other’ to reinforce their sense of belonging. It’s so basic and fucked up.

They are showing their weakness. Sorry OP. You sound ace. I’d be standing with you by the football pitch!

It’s awkward as I guess if they are friends then they are bound to speak to each other…

I’ve got a school mums group of friends and I can totally see that other people might think we’re “cliquey” however it’s more that we just chat together, rather than excluding anyone else.

But I’m usually in your shoes and I’m the one excluded and it is horrible. I always used to think people were doing it on purpose but I no longer think that’s always the case. Still doesn’t make the situation any nicer though.

Could you ask to join them one day for a drink?

I really wish it was because they were all friends before and got along well with each other, as I completely understand that. However, this is a recent behaviour they have started towards me. Initially, I thought maybe I was being paranoid, but there have been too many different situations. Last weekend, when they all went to the pub, I still went because one of the other boys asked if we were going too. But as soon as we arrived, the person who seems to be leading this behaviour looked very surprised to see me. She hadn't personally invited me, but had invited everyone else. I am a very social person and always interact with everyone I'm with. Personally, I think they have a perception of me that doesn't match reality, or maybe some of them are jealous or feel threatened by me (even though they don't need to be, and I haven't done anything to make them feel this way).

Personally, I think they have a perception of me that doesn't match reality, or maybe some of them are jealous or feel threatened by me (even though they don't need to be, and I haven't done anything to make them feel this way).

Why do you think they might feel jealous or threatened?

maybe you could ask the one who was your friend to be added to the group chat so you don’t miss anything?

sounds really shit x

Maybe they don't think much about you and have things going on in their own lives?

Why would thry feel 'threatened and jealous'? Are they children?

Why are you making this about you? Maybe you are the jealous one?

My mother was always like you. Standing on the outside. Her body language was always very closed and she was very socially awkward, so didn't know how to bring herself into the group.

I'm not saying that's what it is because sometimes groups are just clicky and horrid, but have you looked at your body language and if you seem open and approachable? Just thought I'd put it out there.

Do you mean all the parents stand together and exclude you or just a group of them do?

It's possible there is a group of them who are closer and that's okay but it's not nice to exclude someone.

I have seen it happen in mum groups I'm in and it's y because they rub the other women up the wrong way by being insensitive in some way. I am autistic and so can be blunt / say the wrong thing and have been that person but I am quite self aware so I know that's what it is whereas there is someone else I can thing of who repeatedly says silly things and doesn't seem to realise she's done it. The other women have been quite mean as a result.