Bereaved friend concern- gemstone service

[Waterboatlass]

I have a really close friend, Sue, whose mum has died recently following illness. She was a wonderful woman and Sue is naturally devastated.

Sue is also fantastic, I love her dearly but she has some concerns with MH including low level hoarding, depression, past trauma. She has a great job etc, I'm not saying she doesn't function well.

Sue intends to use a service which takes cremated ashes and turn them into a gemstone which she intends to have made into a ring to wear at all times. Of course she may reduce the frequency but that's her intention.

Whilst I've every respect for her choice and the designs she has shown me are nice, I can't help but feel, knowing Sue as I do, the laying DM to rest aspect of burial or scattering her ashes somewhere meaningful (she was a nature lover) will be harder in the immediate term but might help her in her grief more than keeping such a memento mori permanently.

For one thing, I think she will see it every day and think of her mother's death, rather than her life as she might if she wore one of her own rings.

I'd prefer not to go into outing examples of things she's held onto that I really don't think have helped her but this is my opinion after a lot of careful thought.

Sue and I have a very open friendship we have discussed all sorts. I'm not afraid to delicately ask her about this but I suppose was interested in others' views first, have you done this gemstone thing with a loved one, has it helped with the grief process, if you agree with how I feel how you might approach this? Also happy to hear jf I need to stay well out of it.

I would approach it by saying that the above is how you would feel about a ring and broach the subject that way.
It's very possible that she hasn't considered that aspect.
I couldn't (still can't) have daily reminders of my late Dad around the house that I could just randomly see at any point in the day. It would floor me depending on how bad the grief was that day.

I think it's very personal, and so if you feel the need to bring it up you need to be really careful...which I know is stating the obvious. My husband died almost 5 years ago now, and was cremated. His ashes are interred in a local cemetery, but I did keep a small quantity and in the early years I found it comforting 'knowing' that they were there. Particularly because when I moved house after a couple of years, stupid though it sounds, I felt having them in my new home meant it was still 'home'

Now, another 3 years on, I am considering scattering them by his headstone as I don't feel the same about having them here. What I also did shortly after he died was get his handwriting (based on a photo from a valentines day card) engraved on a ring...it's barely noticeable, unless you look closely, but I do like the way it catches my eye sometimes and brings back memories.

If any of my friends or family at the time had broached the subject of not doing either of those things I'd have found it pretty distressing tbh

I think you really can’t assume you know better than her what is best in this case. It’s such a personal thing. Your only choice is to be supportive because no matter what you think yourself you could well be wrong.

I wish l had done this with my Mums ashes.. a ring or brooch or pedant..
But didn't have Internet then she passed into spirit 30 years ago).l know loads that have done it and it's brought comfort.

I had some of my dad's ashes made into a necklace and wear it always. Yes, it makes me think of him, but he was such a wonderful man that I think of him every day anyway. I always will. It's not a sad reminder. When I look at it, I find it a comfort to have a part of him with me (literally!)

Why can’t she do both?

Absolutely stay out of this one, or it could cause a real issue.

People grief in many different ways.

It doesn't use much of the ashes to make something like this, so she'll be able to do both!

I get that you have an open friendship but if someone dared to tell me how to grieve my mum, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be a friend anymore

The only reason I didn’t do this is because it’s expensive , I have some of my dads ashes in my house and I also listen to his voicemails sometimes . The jewellery only uses a tiny amount t of the ashes so she can still scatter some . I’d leave this tbh it’s a fairly mainstream thing to do and if it brings her comfort leave it be .

Not quite the same thing, but my dad left my sisters, brother, and me some money each in his will.
I used mine to have a ring made by a jeweller friend and wear it every day. It reminds me of my dad, and I like that.
Sometimes when I’m going to do something difficult or upsetting I put the ring on and say to myself “right Dad, you’re coming to keep me company so I can manage this”, and it helps a little bit.
I don’t think you can assume your friends intention is definitely going to be detrimental to her.

Wow this is absolutely none of your business. What a horrific thing to want to do.

Thanks everyone, I'm sorry to hear of those who have had losses. I really appreciate you sharing your perspectives. I think it's a pretty clear indication to leave her to grieve in her own way and I'm glad to know it's something that brings a lot of you comfort.

@HeadacheEarthquake having a gentle word with a friend to out of concern is horrific? I assure you there is much more background to this which I didn't want to list but my thoughts were coming from a place of genuine care. Why else would I involve myself m?

I work in the funeral industry its a very common and lovely way to remember someone.

I would strongly advise you against involving yourself in someone else's grief, especially if you're looking down your nose at her "hoarding" already.

Just don't!

Absolutely not looking down my nose, it's something she is seeking therapy for (in part).Very odd take.

I had a friend who told me that after three months I should be over DM's death.

Note 'had' a friend.

I hated people telling me how to grieve and having quiet words with me when my mum died. She died suddenly and I had no control over it. People couldnt control how I grieved.

whst to do with ashes is a personal thing and something you don’t know until it happens. My mum got done keep unfortunately cremated with her. I got it remade and wear it everyday. It’s a lovely reminder and not hoarding. It’s also really unusual piece and I know my mum would have loved it.

her ashes are with my dad. When he dies they will mixed together and spread together over a Cliffe side the sea. This was my dad’s request. Which I think is fitting as they were always together.

It’s none of your business. Stay out of it.

I’d stay out of this one if I were you. She will know herself best.

If that’s not enough reason to respect her wishes, would looking at it like this help?

The thing is, if she scatters the ashes and regrets it, she cannot get a ring made.

If she gets a ring made and regrets it, she can first put it away in a box or give it to someone for safe keeping until she is ready. And if that doesn’t work she could bury it somewhere meaningful.

I’d be very wary of suggesting something to her that is irreversible at the moment. There’s enough in her life just now that is irreversible.

It also could well be a physical comfort to her to have something tangible that is associated with live and commitment, an unbreakable bond.

I wore my mum’s wedding and engagement rings on a long chain round my neck for a year. It helped.

Then I put them away, funnily enough when I met someone who I had a deep connection with (and later married).

Sometimes these things work on a level that we might not always fully
understand , but should respect.

Thanks all xx

My mother died recently, I wish I'd done this but she wished for all her ashes to remain together in one place that was special to her, so I didn't. I think this is none off your business and I would have been deeply offended if any one of my friends tried to tell me how to grieve or what to do with my mothers remains. You do not need to 'have a gentle word' (yuk!), regardless of her background or history. She's allowed to grieve, and honour, her mother however she chooses and it's really nothing by to do with you.

My mum died 11 years ago. I don't have a ring but I do think of her every day and feel sad she's not here. Having a ring or not wouldn't change that. I'm don't need anything to remind me, it just happens on a daily basis. If that's what she feels will give her comfort then I say go for it. I have a few things of my mums that are in our living room (not the same as a ring made of her I agree, but still a constant presence). These are not the things that make me upset.

I would say that anyone well meaning telling me how I might or might not feel about grief wouldn't have been particularly welcome. Especially as you have no more idea than she does how she will feel a few years down the line. So, it's really you just voicing your distaste about the idea that is giving her comfort. I don't see the value in that really.

It is advertised in our local funeral place.

I think it's better to put the ashes back into nature. We did that.

I just wonder what happens when someone has some jewellery like this made and then somehow maybe loses it....that has potential to be very distressing.

Her therapy is also none of your business!