Why is so hard to be socially accepted if you don't drink.

[Mumandkids]

Hi I'm a mum of two in my late 30s.I haven't been drinking for a while now but I find it hard to be accepted socially if I don't have a drink in my hand.People think I have an illness or something.Don't get me wrong I was heavily drinking/clubbing in my 20s.But older I get the more I'm realising that alcohol does nothing for me.I never go out of my way to get it after work etc.I'm more than happy to drink alcohol free stuff.I don't even drink on my own.My dad is an alcoholic and that might be one of the reasons I don't drink.Hangovers are not the same and I like the fact I can get in the car and drive home when I want.Any thoughts welcome.

It can be hard to begin with but after awhile everyone around you gets used to it. I haven't drank for years. I'm getting married in 6 weeks and won't be drinking a drop on my wedding day. I just tell people I don't drink and that's that. Most people I know are used to it now.

My husband gave up alcohol about 5 years ago, and he got ribbed by his mates a bit for the first year or so, but they stopped after a while. Problem is, he gave it up for health reasons and didn't really WANT to stop. He didn't know when to stop and ended up having massive hangovers and made himself ill.

When we go out together, I do always have a lift home, but sadly, since he gave up alcohol (and I'm not proud myself for saying this,) he's actually quite boring - when we go out. Also, if I want to drink a glass of wine or a drink of brandy or anything at home, I wait til he's gone gone to bed because I feel really uncomfortable and awkward drinking it when he's not drinking. He has stopped drinking but occasionally admits he really fancies a brandy or a glass of lager.

He used to make sarcastic jibes and comments about how much I drink for the first year or two after he'd given up. Even though I actually probably didn't even drink more than a bottle of wine a month. He always had something to say about it. It annoyed me so much that I actually stopped drinking in front of him.

But yeah, for sure - when we're out - he is a little bit boring. I think it's because he really secretly wants to drink. He just gave it up for health reasons. The thing is, we can go out like 7:30 8:00pm, and by 9:15 he's getting bored and tired and wants to go home. (I think he is secretly resentful that he isn't drinking.)

I beg him to stay a bit longer, and occasionally manage to get him to stop til 10pm 🙄 Then we get home and he stops up til 1am watching T. V, and films - when he wanted to come home because he was tired!

I have said 'I will stay and you can go home,' but he refuses to leave without me. Refuses to leave but sits there with a face like thunder as he is bored and 'tired.' I actually genuinely seriously wish he's start drinking again!

I enjoy going out (at night) with friends, and without DH. I am happy to go out with him any other time, but not evenings when I like to have a drink, and to stay out late!

I'm with you! I hate the drinking culture in this country that makes it the norm to be a drinker and that there is something wrong with you if you choose not to. I work with a bunch of middle aged women, I'm just a few years younger so no hate, but my god every conversation is around drinking, going on holiday...how much they're going to drink by the pool and at the airport, plans for the weekend..oh the sun'll be out so will have a cheeky gin in the garden, busy day at work, oh I'll need a bottle of wine to recover, chortle. I drink very rarely, the last time was probably Christmas, I just don't feel the need, it's expensive, I usually feel crap the next day and like to know I can get myself home. I still have a good time but spend the evening fending off 'go on, have a cheeky one' and them questioning why...I just don't want to, leave me alone. I'm not allowed to judge them for needing to rely on drink to get through their lives or even an evening, so why do I get judged? Why is drinking so normalised? Rant over 

I just don’t recognise this. You work with bores with no inner life.

I hear you OP! And tragically the best way around it is to...lie. Be holding a drink that looks like it could be alcoholic and people will leave you alone. It's a shame though isn't it. But it's the easiest way.

Exactly this, I find if you don’t make a big thing of it people actually rarely take any notice what I’m drinking. Sometimes I’ll just get a lemonade but ask for it in a gin glass or a 0% beer but I just don’t make an announcement about it and nobody particularly pays any attention.

When we go out together, I do always have a lift home, but sadly, since he gave up alcohol (and I'm not proud myself for saying this,) he's actually quite boring - when we go out.

OH also doesn't drink for health reasons but it's not so much that he's boring but he finds that the witty conversation that all the drinkers are having and the hilarious jokes aren't particularly witty or hilarious. I suspect he's learned from our daughters when they were younger 'Mum your embarrassing when your drunk'

It's never been a problem in the circles I drink in, many friends to dry January, give up for lent, so someone not drinking no one would care.

This is going to be about the ethics and values of your friends, not whether or not you're drinking. My DH is the belle of any ball he's a part of, and he never drinks. (He also doesn't wear ball gowns but I couldn't think of a suitable alternative description. He's a delight, people love being with him, and he's not an alpha ape!)

I just have a soft drink and no one says anything. I do have a functioning alcoholic friend who does make a face if I don't join her for a lunchtime drink, but for anyone else I just say I'm not drinking at the moment (actually I don't usually have to explain myself).
My DD is slightly worried as she's going off to uni this year and doesn't drink at all and wonders if she'll either be excluded or expected to be the caretaker of everyone who is!

It was an issue with one or two people in my early 30s - one actively refused to buy my non-alcoholic drinks when he was getting a round in. Don't think I'm the one with a problem there... No one cares now I'm in my 50s. I don't need drink to have fun, and I'mprobablymore fun than when I'm drunk. I'm usually one of the last to leave, and I might well offer a lift instead of them getting a taxi. There's nothing unusual about people not drinking these days, but it may partly be an age thing.

My guess is this is more about how you are presenting yourself in situations (do you think it’s awkward you don’t drink so you act awkward?) or about the crowd you surround yourself with.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I obviously don’t drink anymore. Very few people even know I don’t drink. I was at a party last night with Dh and the dc, and obviously wasn’t drinking and people were amazed when I told them. They had no idea. I come to things. I chat to people. I have drinks and eat food. I just don’t drink alcohol. If anything, telling people I don’t drink often triggers a conversation about concerns about their drinking. Just last night I had 3 separate conversations about people thinking they drink too much just because they realised I don’t drink. People really aren’t freaked out about others not drinking as much as we sometimes think.

And lots of people have given up but feel awkward talking about it. If you feel you can be open about it, you may find you have a lot of company and also a lot of people wanting to know how you’ve done it.

More often than not, people are in awe rather than judgemental. If they are asshats about it though, you need new friends.

I have had a lot of issues with this. I used to dread social events where I knew I would struggle to keep up with rounds and would be pressured to drink more. Recently I decided to man up and started ordering alcohol free drinks. I might have 1 if I fancy it but most of the time I won't. Everyone seems to agree it's not important whether I drink or not when they first realise and ask about it but then continue to comment on my lack of drinking. ' you're not drinking - boooo', 'I thought you'd at least have some wine with your meal', 'oh I thought you'd be joining in tonight' and raising their eyebrows when I order my drink and I have even had people explain to others that it might look like I'm drinking but I'm actually not. I can't get over how important it is to other people what I drink.