Struggling with end of 20 year friendship - anyone had this?

[Rizzo8]

I've been friends with Andrew since we were early teens, now in our 30s. It was always a platonic friendship and like a sibling relationship. I'm an only child and always valued having him in my life.

Over the years we provided a lot of emotional support over relationships, bereavements etc. Then when we got a bit older holidayed together with our partners etc.

Andrew moved to Italy 7 years ago and I was also living there at the time. I eventually came back to the UK but our yearly holidays continued. Then 1.5 years ago he split with his partner of 10 years.

Shortly after I went to visit him and he messed me about a bit with plans. We also had an argument which he was responsible for to my mind but he refused to apologize. So we just moved on and forgot about it.

At Christmas he messaged, we conversed a bit and then I forgot to respond for 2 weeks because I had flu. He messaged again at new year and I replied explaining I was sick and asked how things were going and about general life things. He never replied but I can see he's alive and well via social media. That was 6 months ago.

My feeling is that the friendship is over and I feel very upset about it, almost like someone has died! I feel I can't talk to anyone about it either and haven't even told my partner how I'm feeling. How do you work through this kind of thing?

It sounds like he’s been a big part of your life for a long time now, through your formative years. It’s bound to be hard to let go of the relationship you had with him.

As to your question: what helps me massively to work through relationship stuff is talking therapy (and time!).

@Durdledore you know, I think I might actually need therapy. When you say talk therapy is that a specific kind to help with this? I went to generic counselling years ago which was just the counsellor listening and adding her 2 cents every so often.

I think the argument was the nail in the coffin. Clearly he did contact me multiple times after but now seems to have made the decision it's not going to work.

It isnt the first time he's gone AWOL but it is the longest.

That sounds really tough @Rizzo8. Would you consider reaching out again or do you feel that it is better not too?

Losing a good friendship is grief. You just have to feel what you feel and let the feelings pass through you until eventually it quietens down a bit for you. There really are no shortcuts.

This sounds tough OP, I am going through a similar issue myself. If you feel you could reach out once more to check in, you don't know what he could be going through. If he doesn't respond, then you have your answer and the best thing to do is to move on with your life and leave the friendship in the past.

@Bigiciuincailin I have thought about contacting him and I don't think so.

He has form in a way. When we were 19 he disappeared for two years. Then during COVID 5 months - I took it to heart because I was living alone at the time and he didn't even check in. He said his mental health had struggled and apologized and that was it.

But I feel he holds the power and the ball is always in his court. And the argument convinced me that we had both changed a lot.

Here I am with the day off work having a good cry about it. Didn't realize how badly it was affecting me.

Friendships do ebb and flow and it sounds like he has had mental health problems and a tough time now and then. To be honest, if you're feeling upset about it I would just keep in touch with him, you don't necessarily have to feel as if it's the end of the friendship of you don't want to.

The death of a friendship is massively traumatic. Definitely get therapy focused on this experience as a death/grief. Also read whatever you can find about accepting this loss. There is not a lot written about it.

And accept that this is just going to be very painful. Here is a poem that always helps me accept even negative experiences.

The Guest House
Jalaluddin Rumi

Translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Jalaluddin Rumi

I think what I'm getting at @jennylamb1 that the argument and now the silence makes me think that the friendship isn't working. He was quite rude and thoughtless and it was very upsetting. I could tell the argument upset him a lot too although we moved on on the face of it.

I would almost prefer to say 'it feels like the friendship is on hiatus but that doesn't close the door years down the line'. But again that would be me reaching out, and I have been the one to do that most times. I'm tired of it. I suppose I do hope it's not the end forever.

Why not contact him, just say you're thinking of him and hope he's OK since you haven't heard anything for a while. Add a bit about what you are doing, leave it so there are specific things he would normally reply to and see what happens. If there is still no reply you have at least done your best, rather than just crying over it.

Hi Rizzo. I wouldn't say its the end forever - it's a new stage perhaps?

I would leave him be for now and get on with your own life, and I expect he will reappear at some stage later. Maybe the argument did piss him off, but that might not last - things change, I think he will be back down the line.

What bothers me most about this for you is that you seem quite isolated and therefore this relationship is important, more than it might usually be. I would look at expanding your social life. I find that friendships go through stages - no one is going to get on 100% for fifty years - no one is not going to be a nob from time to time or be too busy or not have stuff going on - or even think, I've had enough of this person for a bit. But it doesn't mean it's over forever.

Build your life, that's what I'd do, and take the pressure off this chap and this relationship.

All the best x

I think that this is wise advice.

What was the argument about? I think that’s quite key.

I love Rumi!

I started reading the first few lines and the bit about being a "guest house" is so spot-on and then I notice it was indeed Rumi.

I see it as the anthem for modern living on how to not allow unwelcomed feelings and rawness of relationships end up lodging inside for so long the feelings becomes harmful, rather than helpful.

@Rizzo8 I was going to add that it's a good thing to allow friendships to have a place in your heart, but at the same time, you also need to be able to cope without them so they don't hold you hostage. Your friend Andrew has been there a long time but seems to have drifted, maybe you need to let him go, or at least not rely on him, if the relationship is no longer bringing you joy. Friendships only work when both friends have the will and motivation to be in it.

Thanks @something2say

To be honest I have a full life already. I have other close friends and one coming to visit this week. I have a partner and several friends through my hobby.

So it isn't that. It's just he's always been such a big part of my life I see him more as family, same as a couple of other close friends I've known a long time. Some friendships are deeper than others.

I understand friendships can go in cycles. I just feel like he's the one always deciding where the cycle is at. I haven't spoken to him in half a year so I've backed off completely.

@LetsAllOvercomeOurFears we went on a night out and we're winding down when he answered the phone without warning. It was new girlfriend (of about a month) calling at 2am.

She was very upset and he put her on loudspeaker which I thought was out of order. Then when she asked what he was up to he said he was sitting having a nightcap with the dog! Yes the dog was there but so was I. So he lied to her about my presence and I questioned it which lead to the argument.

Trouble is tho he is not family. I do get it. I have some male friends. But they are not my real brothers so I can't expect that of them. Family is a big word x

@something2say yes, I know it is. It isn't about my expectations as much as how he always behaved since we were 13 years old. I never asked him to take on that role. And now it's gone.

But yes, he has actual siblings and I don't. So no doubt I feel the loss more.

Awwww Rizzo, I think I can understand your issue..
It is horrible when a long and treasured friendship ends, even if the end is instigated by you.
Maybe you are feeling extra conflicted because neither of you have stated in so many words that your friendship is at an end. It's feels like you are both assuming it's done, because neither of you are contacting the other, and recent messages to each other have been tough.
A pp said just continue your life as you would. Thankfully you have a good circle of friends and not only dependent on Andrew.
Maybe it's best just to leave it as it is, but don't think of it as finished, coz neither of you have stated that.
If either of you decide to reignite, just go carefully to protect your feelings. He may well have "issues", but as long as those issues are not to do with you, then he should be seeking professional help, and not be making you feel responsible.
Wishing you the best... us humans are a complicated breed !!

I think rejection/ending of friendships when you're an only child feels much more intense than say someone who grows up with sibling relationships. Some close friendships are on par with sibling relationships. If he's ghosted you and moved after your argument at least you understand why. Its a shame to lose the friendship but maybe you'd outgrown each other anyway.

You’re getting some lovely advice on here.

Yeah, nothing specific per se on which modality of therapy to use. I would say person-centred counselling and just keep trying counsellors for size until you find one you feel really comfortable with. They won’t take this personally - they know you need to feel safe and secure before any healing can happen (the relationship with the therapist is in fact a huge part of the healing process - literally simply the connection between the two of you counts for so much in the process of you working through stuff). So if it doesn’t feel right, any therapist worth their salt will understand and support your decision to try someone else.

In fact, talking of all of this - the reason it doesn’t work with any therapist is also something of interest to you as this will be telling you something about what triggers you, what works and doesn’t work for you in a relationship and so on.

But I think I’m rambling now. 😂

Have a look at the BACP website to find a registered therapist in your area.

This is a really lame reason to have an argument in my mind.

I'm not sure how it turned into something so monumental

He probably felt that as the new GF was in a bad way and upset about something, him saying 'oh I'm out having a great time with old female friend' would be hard for her to hear. He was obviously not calling you the dog. It wasn't really about you at all. How on earth did this turn into a friendship ending argument?

You sound like you were put out by the very fact that she called by the way you said 'he answered without warning'. Why would he need to warn you? His phone rang and he answered it. How did that get your back up?

The elephant in the room may be- do you or both of you have romantic feelings for one another.

Yeah @dunkdemunder I think it was just an excuse to air a few things. I regretted it straight away and I think he did too.

@jennylamb1 On the romantic aspect - many years ago he was interested, I was not. Then I was briefly interested and he was not, and said most romances end and he couldn't bear to ever lose the friendship. This was over a decade ago.

So we've never explored that and friendship always worked well until recently. I have a partner now who I love.

This is good advice, thank you.

There's nothing I can do except continue to focus on my other friendships. They won't plug the gap from this friendship though. It's a long and meaningful friendship and you can't replace people.

Maybe I need a break from it too, and maybe we'll speak again in the future. All the replies have been lovely and made me feel better when I felt so low. Thanks everyone.

I think you should tell him how you feel. You might work it out