Non-player character/extra

[NonPlayerExtra]

I've been educated by teenagers and learnt this new term. It's resonated as I think it's summed up my life!

I've always felt lonely and isolated. I think I'm just an extra in my life rather than a main character!

I don't think people dislike me, they just seem to forget I exist. If I invite someone for coffee, dinner, or an activity they usually say yes but I'm always an afterthought to everyone else. I'm invited to things when I bump into people or message (remind them that I exist).

I feeling particularly low about it at the minute. I feel like if I disappeared/died people probably wouldn't even notice.

Anyone else feel like this?

so you are not the centre of attention?
not outgoing?

It's not about being the centre of attention. It's more about being overlooked. I don't want to be the centre of attention, I'd like to feel valued in friendships.

But you’ve already said what the issue is — you don’t feel as though you’re the main character in your own life. In your head, you’re an NPC. Therefore of course other people overlook and undervalue you, because you don’t centre yourself, you regard yourself as an afterthought to other people. You need to centre yourself and treat yourself as the most important person in your life. Other people only see you clearly when you see yourself.

If I invite people for things they say yes, so I don't think I'm disliked.

For example, I'll message someone and say "fancy a drink on Friday" and they'll respond "oh yes, x & y & z & I have said we'd go to the pub, you're welcome to join us" but if I hadn't messaged, I wouldn't have been invited. This is one example but it happens all the time. It's as if I have to be constantly reminding people of my existence.

I don't think anyone messages me first.

I'm just feeling low.

You need to centre yourself and treat yourself as the most important person in your life.

How? Genuine question.

End friendships with people who don't remember to invite you to the pub.

End friendships with people who don't remember to invite you to the pub.

I wouldn't have anyone to socialise with at all! We've moved around a lot and now we've settled in a small village (for 6 years). Other friends live 100s miles away. I would be completely alone.

Well, you are the most important person in your own life, no question. What kind of scripts or beliefs did you grow up with about selfhood and friendship? For instance, I grew up with two timid, socially-isolated parents, and a people-pleaser mother who thought the worst thing a girl or woman could be was confident, and that everyone liked a shy wallflower who just said ‘I don’t mind’ all the time and unquestioningly assumed other people were more important than her. Growing up, I realised this was pernicious nonsense, and why she’s overlooked by everyone, despite dashing about to prioritise their preferences. When you think of other people as more important than you, you’re saying ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’, and they take you at your word. They also don’t get to know you, because you make yourself invisible.

The use of "non-player character" (NPC) to refer to real people is associated with alt-right communities. It may have spread beyond that, but still, I'd say pay close attention to what kind of stuff your kids are reading/viewing online.

The labels are getting out of control! I've never heard this term.

This sounds like the issue. I'm in the same boat really. Maintain your old friendships as best you can as they're the ones that really know you even if you don't see them often and keep pushing on inviting new people to the pub etc. Maybe a few at once so it's more like building a network. Do you do hobbies etc and are you definitely set on where you are? Sometimes it's the place that's a bad fit. There are various reasons I'm stuck in my current area for a bit but I know it's the place rather than me being intrinsically an outsider everywhere. I've been happy lots of places, I just don't like it here