Does this sound like anxiety/agoraphobia/PND?

[Kirova]

I'm due to return to work next month after maternity leave but I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it and I've come to realise that I have really lost confidence about venturing far from home. I have two older children (6 and 4) and I'm fine doing school run or taking them here and there, but anything further afield triggers a lot of anxiety and worry.

Not wanting to go into too much information or be too much "poor me", but I think the reasons are due in part to DD3 being premature and having quite a traumatic birth, plus all the worries that came afterwards with her health and development. (She is doing brilliantly now.) I had a spinal nerve injury probably or possibly during birth which required an operation. Again, I'm making a good recovery, but it has left me with some back pain and - sorry to be embarrassing - loss of bladder and bowel function. I have managed with the help of a specialist nurse and physio to "manage" it, but it's still not very reliable and I feel very anxious about it.

My KIT days have gone well, but the last one I had a bowel accident on the way in and it really threw me off. It was all okay - I sorted it straight away and nobody ever knew except me - but I felt really jittery for the rest of the day and struggled to focus properly.

I know it sounds silly - I just don't feel confident to do anything or go anywhere (a) without DD and (b) without quick access to a toilet! I just have to bite the bullet and get on with it, but I am really struggling.

I'm not surprised you're anxious. You have had a serious birth injury. Are you likely to further recover physically? If yes, then is be tempted to stay off a bit longer, even if it means going on sick pay. If no, then can your work make reasonable adjustments to make things easier for you?

Remember maternity leave isn't just for bonding with the baby, it's for the mothers physical recovery. Lots of women need that time to heal properly. Have you taken the full quota?

I could improve physically, but it's hard to say for definite - it could be a slow process, or this might be as good as it is going to be. I'm trying to focus on learning to manage things better so that I'm in a good position whether or not there is further improvement with the nerve damage. On the positive side, the physical effects of the injury were "slow onset" so I've been told it might be a correspondingly slow recovery.

I haven't taken the full quota, only the 6 months which were pre-agreed (plus extra due to Dad's early arrival). So I could take longer, but I don't want to be succumbing to cowardice and just putting it off!

One of the issues I'm worried about is the timing of my "routines" and things being a bit dodgy for a few hours afterwards. Making morning commute and 9am start a bit challenging!

Speak to your doctor or physio. See what they advise regarding maternity leave. If you've only had 6 months that's not a lot at all.

If you are determined to go back, could you move your start time in the morning to make life easier for yourself? As a reasonable adjustment? Idk if your injuries class as a disability in that sense. Might be worth checking with someone who knows workplace law.

From what you've said I think you have reason for your anxiety other than PND. I'm not saying you don't have PND, noone can say that who hasn't seen you in a clinical setting, but most people would feel anxious in your situation, even if they hadn't just had a baby.