When your parent doesn't like you

[GeneralMusings]

Any advice or hints and tips for when a parent just doesn't really like you that much.

I'm finding it difficult (always but this morning too). One parent has mental health difficulties and has huge periods of not liking me (or most people other than my brother who she thinks is God in those moments) but these are getting less now shes older and in between although she loves me is very self absorbed due to her illness. Although it hurts when she is unwell this is understandable due to her mental ill health.

However my dad doesn't not like me he is just indifferent I think. He's recently moved on and the new wife is the love of his life and I know this isn't unusual in men. He's done well and is always on trips and holidays and dinners. However his world now seems to involve her 2 (grown up, very successful) children and their grandchildren and me and my children are afterthoughts.

If they see us its just fitting us in for half an hour before going to see her children/ go to a dinner/ whatever. Its not that they're rude or wont see us its just obvious were bottom of the pile.

I'm not even sure of my question really other than how do you handle it. I don't want to be disappointed every time its difficult and accept its how he is. But its hard.

I have had some counselling and I know its done tons to my self image/ self concept as I've just not been brought up by people who like me. But I am middle aged now and want to be over it and Im not!

Adjust your primary relationships. It's not them. It's yourself, your kids or husband of you have them, or closest friends.

Family don't always match up to our needs, all we can do is control ourselves and our reactions.

Thankyou yes I think that's key you're so right :). I have got better at prioritising our familys needs (I hate the phrase "our little family" but I mean my immediate family over their needs).

I guess fathers day and it prods at the wound and there's still a small child inside wanting it to be different. Or wondering what I can do to change or be different or what I did wrong or if its me. But reframing it helps.

I have so much resentment I'm realising and I just don't want it to affect me anymore.

That's good though, you're reaching a stage where the resentment outweighs the (natural) feeling of obligation, of being scared to rock the boat, of being guilty of you change the status quo. That resentment may very well be the tool you can use to set you free!

You deserve to live without resentment. That might mean low or no contact, for a while or for ever, even. You deserve to be happy. Also, your job is to teach your little family what is acceptable behaviour to tolerate from someone else. I refuse to teach my kids that they should tolerate rude/racist/mean people whether they are strangers or family (those are just examples lol, I'm sure you have plenty of your own, sadly😅)

I have a similar family and I dread days like today... What has helped most is therapy (and I'd love more!) plus rebuilding my boundaries constantly. And realising that they CHOOSE to act that way, to treat us this way, and it is categorically not good enough. I wouldn't take it at work, not from a stranger, so why should they be able to affect me so badly, why should I allow it. The cons massively outweigh the pros. I can go back in time in my head and soothe myself as a youngster, the way I do with my own kids, to provide what was lacking back then and to bolster me as an adult. That definitely takes practise though, that sort of reverse-time love and support for previous "little you", if that makes sense?!

I don't make information about myself available freely to them either, as they might use it to hurt me, I don't prioritise them if doing so ends up transporting me back to feeling small, stupid and unloved. .

They have this unique skill of not knowing who we really are, but also knowing exactly how to deconstruct our happiness and self belief. I'm done with it! This is our one short life haha, such a shame to waste it on people who just don't or can't care enough. I'm at a stage where I can see WHY they are how they are, bad childhoods etc, but again, they cannot ever give me equality or what I need to feel secure in the relationship, so... I've had to make choices. They choose to be this way, they could choose to learn from their horrible pasts and not pass on their misery. But they don't.

If I were you I'd keep up with the therapy and allow yourself to feel, but gradually take away their "keys" to your life. Any info, anything that puts you on the back foot, keep it to yourself and people who truly value you.

You accept you don't have the relationship you want, and that it isn't your fault. Let go of that idealised relationship, and asses the one you actually have.

If it isn't working for you, consider your options.

You could end up being her carer. You could go low contact or no contact. Think abut how each scenario would play out, and how it would make you feel.

Your primary obligation is to yourself and your own well being. Set your boundaries now before you are asked to commit yourself to more responsibility, don't wait until you are asked to protect yourself.

Its natural to feel some guilt after making a decision that benefits you, so take that into account but don't let it stop you acting in your own best interests, because they aren't going to do that for you.

Human relationships are complicated, but despite your mum's psychological illness, her job should have been to love you unconditionally. Does your brother see he was the favourite child? I only ask because my dbro thought I was the favourite child, whereas I always thought he was....we soon realised that our dp actually weren't that interested in any of their offspring!
Does your mum admit to being a bit rubbish? Are you able to talk to her or does she just deny, deny, deny? If it's the former maybe you can talk to her about it, if it's the latter, then just keep a healthy distance between you, as it's only you who'll end up hurt.
Your dad is a bit easier to understand, it's a bit like a reversal situation, you know where daughters of mums will often see them more once married and the sons tend to let the mum son relationship slide (I know, I know not always, but often).
So your dad see's his partners children more, because clearly mum has a good relationship with her kids and a 'normal' family dynamic, so your dad wants to see his partner regardless of whether or not her kids are in tow.
You dad isn't making the effort to see her kids, it's just their part of his partners life, so by extension part of his for now. so try not to get hurt about that.
But it sounds like both your parents failed you, and that's hard to accept OP, I think it's even harder once we have kids of our own, because we realise how completely f**ked up it was!
I'm pretty sure JKR says about indifference being every bit as damaging as , out and out dislike, when Dumbledor is talking to Harry about Voldemort's family.
I think it's acceptance, that your parents were,well quite honestly a bit shit, if you can accept that, and keep an amicable relationship with them it would be the best for your own wellbeing, however if it's too painful, then step away. Protect your own mental health, I know it's much much easier said than done. But it's absolutely nothing you have done OP, remember that.

I’m guessing that the reason your parent dislikes you is that you have escaped from their manipulation and are living your life and managing your relationship with them on your terms, not theirs. This is actually a good thing and you should congratulate yourself for having broken out of that negative cycle- a lot of people struggle to do that.

It does hurt, though, doesn’t it. My mum doesn’t like me because I’m assertive and have boundaries rather than tiptoeing around pretending to apologise for existing. She says I am cold and hard, because I keep her at arm’s length. Obviously my view is that I do that to protect myself from her craziness.

My mother didn't like or love me and after decades struggling to have any kind of relationship with her I went NC. I was sick of hearing her bang on about others (who were nothing to do with her) and doing things for others when she couldn't ever do the basics for me. She was cruel, spiteful and selfish.

It's hard to accept and it makes you vulnerable. I'm still resentful and she's long dead.

Even though your DM has mental health difficulties she could still love you. If you can go NC because it will only get worse as she ages.

For your DF he's chosen his side (although I don't see why he had to) so that side can look forward to caring for him in the future.

It sounds harsh I know but I've implemented consequences to my DM and her family's actions and I've had to harden my heart.