Suffocating in suburbia

[Loverofcrisps]

I feel very ungrateful writing this as we live in a nice area. It pops up on the Times list most years as somewhere to move to. But I feel so trapped here. DH and I grew up here and I escaped for a while but we ended up moving back as we had kids and two have Sen so we felt it would be good to have a set of parents support. The youngest is severely disabled. He’s 12, no speech, challenging behaviour and he doesn’t want to leave the house. The only place he will go is his specialist school.

DH is the breadwinner though I work as well. I do all the childcare as there isn’t any for our youngest and they wouldn’t tolerate it. They can just about attend school. So going out is limited so my external environment is really important to me that when I take the dog out, I can walk somewhere peaceful to try and reset my mind. Aside from a few fields, there isn’t a lot of countryside that is easy to get to and I would love to be within reach of the coast.

DH is okay living here. He has access to all his hobbies. Kids are in school though both the other kids (one NT and the other also with Sen) find the area boring. A move wouldn’t be on the cards for a few years anyway.

But am I being unreasonable to want to move? I was badly bullied at school here and it has thrown up some bad memories plus there have been some hard times here, it has been isolating, issues with the education system etc. We don’t have friends here, though my DH knows people as we grew up here. Because of our youngest there’s no chance of trips away. They couldn’t be left with grandparents as they really struggle with them, we get direct payments but can’t find a PA and the respite centre is full. There’s also very little in the way of activities our youngest can access. So we’re fairly isolated from the community. We’ve struggled to find people locally who’ve also got a child who is so severely challenged.

The inability to go away or have days out to seek out other places to plug the gap on what I feel is missing from where we live is impossible unless I go on my own for a weekend but our eldest has sports that he goes to and there would be no one to care for our youngest (DH coaches our son’s rugby team).

This is not a happy place for me. I know I’d be uprooting people and that feels so incredibly selfish. Has anyone else felt trapped by where they live? Even if people think it’s a great area?

I've felt that in several places.

What jumps out to me though, is your husband is out working and then out with hobbies several times a week.

When do you get a break? Maybe you feel trapped in the marriage as much as trapped in the area?

Personally, I find suburbs make me want to scream, even if they're theoretically sensible. Something about the need to either drive everywhere or walk unnecessarily long distances around curvy residential streets.

Is it the location that makes you feel trapped or your situation? It sounds really difficult and I agree with pp, perhaps uneven with your husband.

I empathise as am also keen to leave our area but uprooting the whole family because of that feels extreme. So I'm trying to embrace the good things about the area until moving makes sense for us all.

Realistically, and I’m sorry to say this, I think you would need to establish that there were suitable school places available - especially for your youngest - before you consider any move.

You mentioned you lived there partly for grandparent help - do they help?

Agree also with the PP that you should get equal time by yourself (or time with the less challenging children) as your DH does.

It sounds very though and the lack of support must be the worst thing.

Can DH do more? Give you time for a hobby.

And There will be other parents nearby in the same situation (SEN kids etc). Where I lived near Oxford there was a great local mencap group. Call all local charities, and keep looking because there will be a group.

Do the school have recommendations for how you can get respite care? As your child gets older! It will become more important.

What about your situation would change from a new location?

you need some respite and personal time. Your husband may need to shift some of his time to you to make that happen.

it’s a common trap that men are allowed hobbies and breaks that take up large blocks of time, while women are expected to find shorter activities that can be squeezed in around the edges. Even if the total time is the same, the impact on your mental health is not.

It would likely be a move when the kids are older and are out of school. DH usually does a hobby most evenings during the week. I don’t work on a Friday so use that time off. The youngest doesn’t like the grandparents actively tries to get them to leave if they come round to look after them. They do offer though but the last time they looked after him, we were only out a few hours and he spent most of it screaming. We have said about trying very short times of maybe half an hour to see if that would work.

I’m definitely trying to embrace the good things such as two of the kids are okay at school, youngest is finding school really difficult (but that’s another story). But I love being outside walking and I have to drive to get that which isn’t possible when working. Main other thing here is the gyms, they seem to have an abundance of gyms which is great for my DH but not for me.

Some of it I think comes from sad experiences, being bored and frustrated and the isolation. I’ve tried to make friends but it was impossible when my youngest was little and now they attend an out of county school and I spend the majority of my time working.

Marriage is relatively okay. DH pitches in though isn’t the main carer. It’s tricky as our world is very very small. But on the whole, we don’t argue and are pretty happy. One of my biggest issues is feeling very unhappy and stuck here.

I feel different places offer different things. Where we live in a small market town. I suppose I want more access to proper countryside and if possible the coast. People aren’t particularly friendly and it’s very middle class and I’ve found it really tough to fit in compounded probably by having a very challenging child so we didn’t do toddler groups (we were asked at the end of one we went to to not come again because it was sit and sing and my son wanted to get up and dance - I was and still am very watchful of his behaviour at all times to make sure we’re not bothering people).

Even if you moved somewhere without negative memories, would your DH still be trotting off to his hobbies most evenings without a second thought? It does seem as if he could be giving you more of his time and support. Your problems do move with you, after all...

He’d probably still do his hobbies if we moved I’d say. They’re very important to him.

I don’t think for a second that if we moved, all our problems would melt away. But for me who faces a future as a carer, my external environment is important to me. For my other children it’s likely they won’t be able to afford to live here and will have to get jobs outside of the town.

My husband is lucky that the town accommodates his hobbies. When I’m feeling sad and low, I want to head out into nature to restore as much balance as I can.

Like I say, it won’t be an immediate move as the kids are in schools. But I’m unhappy here. My child isn’t catered for, it’s very limited here and there’s a lot of very painful memories here for me. I just wondered if I was unusual not liking where I live as my husband seems to have a motto of “a place is a place” and I don’t feel the same.

I’d think carefully as I’m really not sure it will be much different if you move, I’m sorry, I think the answer is to try to slowly make improvements to your situauton. For example you start a hobby, gym, book club, whatever, and do it of an evening or weekend when your husband can look after the kids, slowly start to build more into your life, to lessen the isolation,

I do get this, I too struggled living in the town I grew up in for very similar reasons and you're probably right in that this place isn't going to get better for you. I think once you've lived unhappily in a place for too long it's hard to turn that around.

I'd really try to work out what will improve for our family by a move, as people have said your situation will be what it is. Being a carer is hard and I think you're right to look at what will help to replenish your mental health. You need to really go through all the pros and cons and look at this from all angles.

I hope that there is a better place out there for you all one day.

I hear you OP. it's all on you and your DH has his hobbies to cope and isnt the main carer. Is there some possible win/win of moving to an area with a better specialist school option for DS and more going on for you? DH can travel for hobbies TBH it shouldn't even be on the list of important things.