Can I have a better future?

[catnippy]

I'm mid 40's, single for 15 years, no children, unemployed for 5 years, an undiagnosed chronic physical illness, a long term mental illness, a lot of childhood trauma which led to an adulthood of confusion, emotional problems, and further trauma, on benefits and renting a council flat (which I'm extremely grateful for) but in a very stressful inner city area.

What's going for me is that I have a degree and a post graduate diploma and would love to study for a masters degree. I'm fairly intelligent and forced myself through these qualifications when I was younger, even when things were extremely difficult. I'm very independent and self sufficient. I previously had a career and excelled at work (but was bullied relentlessly...which I now understand was due to my inability to display self respect due to childhood trauma)....but I think my previous career and qualifications could help me in the future. I do voluntary work with an amazing organisation who accept my weaknesses and encourage my strengths. I have quite a lot of friends and make friends easily wherever I go. I was lucky to have a few years of treatment from the community mental health team which really changed me for the better. I learned to be self compassionate and accept myself. I learned how to trust people and make friends.

I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to study. I'm naturally creative and artistic.

I'm held back by the fact that I experience extreme fatigue and tiredness. My average week is a lot less than a full time worker, but it exhausts me. I could actually do nothing and survive because I am on pip and higher rate uc. But I just really want to get better and be able to work and eventually get a full time job.

I want to buy a small (even tiny!) house with a garden. Have a job where I'm contributing. Have a relationship with someone who treats me well, who doesn't mind that I'm no longer fertile. I would like to go on holiday once a year, abroad, so I can swim in the warm sea.

I need to make money to achieve those aims. I've been through a lot of grief, accepting what I lost when I became very unwell.

Thanks to the amazing mental health treatment that I had I am so much better emotionally. But if I got better physically (still dealing with gp), is it possible that I can achieve my aims? Or is it too late now?

It's not too late. But that is a lot to hold yourself to achieve, it feels a bit overwhelming. Which out of those is the most important to you? Then you can maybe start to work on that first.

Congratulations on your journey. Access to Work might be able to help you when you are ready.

All of your goals are achievable. However I wouldn't delay working towards them and I think it would be helpful to look at careful financial planning. Maximise an employer pension and look at your earning potential, financial viability of doing a masters. I'm doing a really good personal finance course that is helping with these sorts of things. It's never too late to start improving your situation, mid 40s is a good time.

Just to add..... I've spent a lot of my life in despair. But I'm not unhappy now. I'm probably the most content I have ever been, emotionally. I just am wondering if it is too late to achieve these things that I would like.

• a long term relationship with a loving partner.
• a house with a garden
• a job that pays my bills and leaves a bit for once a year swimming in the warm sea

@gymgoals2024 thank you for your message. I have had a feeling that I need to have a realistic look at my finances. I have spent many years in survival mode. This is the first time that I have stopped and thought about what I actually want for my future.

You can achieve all of your dreams. You've done so well so far, don't let negative thinking hold you back. Start on the house with a garden, then book a sunny break for your warm water swimming, and dip your toe into the dating game.
Good luck!! Mid 40's is no age, you're only halfway through.

@Berga thanks. I'm not sure what I want the most! I think I just want to believe that it's not too late. I just remember being in my 20s and it didn't matter so much because it felt like you had eternity ahead of you to get what you wanted out of life. I like the idea of concentrating on one thing.

I think focus on a paid job with your current qualifications - potentially one that might find a masters in the future.
Then once an increase in income occurs, you will be better placed to look for your house and be able to afford a holiday.
Also finding a job may help you find a partner - workplace romances and all that.
So start with the job.

Fund!

@gymgoals2024 is the course that you are doing online? I have very little knowledge about personal finance/financial planning. Would you mind pointing me in the direction of it, or something similar?

@JMAngel1 unfortunately my current qualifications are no longer valid. I have been out of my profession for too long (registered nurse). I could regain the qualification/registration by doing a one year low paid contract with training and assessments , but that's something that I'm not prepared to do at the moment. I am not mentally or physically resilient enough. I will be keeping an eye out for what happens in the NHS if we get a new government and I'm not completely discounting it. But I know I'm not capable enough now.

It's Rebel Finance School, have a Google. Yes it's online. It just started. It's free, no up sells, just run by a lovely couple who want to teach people about personal finance.

OP.

Many many women find themselves mid forties stuck with a couple of kids who are only just in primary school and they have to work out childcare and paying them.

You have none of that. That will add up over time.

You have so many opportunities as a result that aren't typical of women your age.

If course you can do it if you wish. You have barriers but arguably because you have less responsibilities those barriers aren't as big as you may perceive.

Good luck. I think you will be fine. You have a good attitude and want to do it. That's half the battle right there.

To achieve house and garden you need some money.

So work, if you do a masters it will cost and delay earning unless you study and work.

Realistically how much work can you do?

Can you spend the rest of this year pushing, I don't mean pushing yourself too hard, but to concentrate on just your health first. You are not going to be able to work and save for a house deposit without health consistency.

So start there. Research everything about your condition, go on every message board, read every paper, etc etc etc. and work out what works for you.

It's light in the evenings right now, can you get out of the house, walk, perhaps take a drink and a book, find a park just to sit in for half hour. Are there allotments near you? Could you share one? That can be a garden from home, you can grass a bit, basically you don't have to have it growing food.

You won't get a mortgage on anything until you can show X3 years steady income. So concentrate on getting to that place first.

Even putting a seat outside your council flat, does the door go onto a balcony? Communal space outside?

Can you use your inner city facilities to their maximum?

Parks, libraries, free festivals, anything really. Buses to somewhere quieter?

Health first
Then paid work and savings

The rest will follow.

You could probably do a council house swap. My friend swapped her house with a garden for a flat in London but it will depend on how desirable your flat is and location.

@RedToothBrush thank you so much for the encouragement:)

@frozendaisy thank you for this post, I think this is brilliant advice.

@gymgoals2024 thank you I am definitely going to look into this!