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Original poster

Things you appreciate as an adult you never had has a child

27 replies

rudegir · 14/06/2024 10:09

Last night whilst soaking in the bath I was thinking of things I didn't have or wasn't allowed to do as a child which (in my opinion) were not normal

(1) we weren't allowed a wash (bath/shower) after about 7.30. It just wasn't allowed.

(2) was also not allowed to cook anything after about 7. If you didn't have dinner before then it was snacks

(3) never having a 'proper' meal. Just lived off convenience foods such as toast/snacks/fried chips with fried sausages. Whilst we weren't hungry and there was food it was very rare we had a meal.

(4) never sitting at a table and eating as a family- just don't ever remember it.

(5) having to whisper (even downstairs) once my father had gone to bed. No TV on upstairs, very quietly using the toilet (not allowed to flush- wash hands downstairs) so as not to disturb him.

(6) never going out days out or holidays: Just wasn't a thing. The one time we did, my father was aggressive and horrible to us all and we cried and cried.

(7) always treading on egg shells. Always worried and anxious as to what mood my father would be in. Me and my mum living in fear of his moods. Having to walk the streets as we were too scared to come home.

I moved out at 17 to live with a friend and then went to university. My parents now think they were great and gave me and my siblings an idyllic childhood. I honestly do not have the confidence to ever say otherwise. I know my mother loves me and in some ways did try her best and times were different when I was younger.

Did anyone else grow up with similar restrictions and make the most of now having the freedom to do whatever they want?

OP posts:

TorroFerney · 14/06/2024 10:19

Not having to get back from things by 3pm so my dad could go to the pub.

Not wondering what mood my mum would be in when I got back from school; Could be ok, or giving me the silent treatment, or sitting in the dark with the lights off. Calling hello as soon as I got in was imperative to gauge the mood!!

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 14/06/2024 10:57

Based on your title, I wanted to make a flippant Sky TV related comment.

But none of the things you list are normal. Your father sounds like he is a controlling dictator. Is your mother ok? Does she still have to live with this abusive behaviour?

My father was similar. It took me a very long time to realize the dynamic and how abusive it was. I am now NC with him and can't wait for him to die so I can try and rebuild a relationship with my mother who is too broken down after 60 years of it to leave.

sparkleowl · 14/06/2024 11:05

Nothing on your list is normal, but it probably had to be done to protect you and your Mum.
Enjoy your happy and peaceful bath soaking days now.😃💐
The Sky tv thing from Sunk must have given you either a smile or a head shake in disbelief.
I realise as an adult that I have an issue with food as when a child I just didn’t quite have enough.That doesn’t mean I overeat now, but relish food and think about it quite a lot.
I also appreciate being warm enough now.

StirlingMallory · 14/06/2024 11:13

Similarly OP, not walking on egg shells constantly because of my father's moods / temper. I bet you & I can guage the mood of any given group in any given room we walk into within seconds. Not a superpower I ever wanted.

Also having my own bedroom. Had to share til I was 18 with another vicious bully, older sister who I never see now.

PurpleBugz · 14/06/2024 11:38

Definitely that feeling of safety in my own home. Control of my own bed time. Access to food. Having stuff that is mine that I don't have to share

catwithflowers · 14/06/2024 11:47

On a lighter note, holidays abroad. We were very lucky in as much as we did have some holidays when I lived at home, not every year and usually in a caravan, always in the UK. I think travel abroad in the 70's and 80's was something of a luxury and definitely not something my parents could afford.

The caravan holidays were actually good fun but now I am an adult, I really appreciate the freedom to be able to travel and experience other countries and cultures.

Bringbackspring · 14/06/2024 11:50

Sounds a bit like my DH's childhood and it has had a lasting impact on him. Also similar in that his parents have a very different recollection of it, and think he's vastly exaggerated most of it. They are both much more mellow in their later years so if, like me, you met them in their 60's you would have no idea they had been like that.

We never had an unusual restrictions that I can think of. But my Mum was quite fussy about foods, especially anything she thought would be weird, so I never tried things like tuna, pasta, peppers, curry or any Asian food until I was 16/17 years old. Only takeaway I ever has was fish and chips, when it seemed like all my friends families were having curry. Sounds quite trivial in the grand scheme.

Funkyslippers · 14/06/2024 11:53

Gosh some of these stories are so sad! I realise some parents were suffering with their mental health but it's so sad that kids feel they are treading on eggshells and being given the solent treatment by the people who should always be there for them!

I had an OK childhood but I was v fussy ( awful school dinners to blame!) but now I really appreciate having a balanced diet and now I'll pretty much eat anything

Nellieinthebarn · 14/06/2024 12:05

I love having space, and quiet. Grew up in a tiny, filthy cottage with the TV always on. My 'room' was a kind of corridor to another bedroom, so I had no privacy.

I also love having clear worktops, tables and floors. Although DH is currently servicing a chainsaw on our coffee table, at least he put newspaper down first, and will clear it up when he's finished.

Ginkypig · 14/06/2024 12:07

I was going to post wine for a laugh but then I read your post.

im sorry I don’t know if you’ve realised but you grew up in an at best controlling household and at worst an abusive one.

I did too. I also have oh we did great as parents which I’ll never correct but have had a lot of therapy (originally for other abuse reasons actually but was shown through it that my upbringing wasn’t normal) over the years and now I’m able to see it but know I’ll need get the response I need so don’t feel the need to confront!

I don’t see them as anything but fellow humans now so don’t fill with sadness when I see them. Of course I love them but don’t need them in anyway so they can’t affect me anymore.

to answer your question I have had this talk with my friends from similar histories and we have all come to the conclusion that our inner children sing when we indulge them a bit so we do unashamedly in small ways. As long as it doesn’t interfere with our lives in a detrimental way.

So an example might be be my friend every so often will have a pudding before dinner just because she can lol she even about once a year calls me to say I’m sitting in my pyjamas with the tv on and big bowl of ice cream and I’m not getting dressed and I’m not going to have any vegetables today and no one can tell me not to haha.

iv got another friend who hardly ever but decides occasionally she going to have an extra long shower or even a long bath with a glass of pop on tv afterwards because she can and there’s noone to shout at her.

a big one for me is a don’t eat meat and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. I used to get made to sit and screamed and screamed at and eat whatever was served even when they knew I definitely wouldn’t want it. Things that I have never liked and couldn’t no matter how hard I tried swallow. And I would try until tears would fall and nausea would overwhelm me and my vision would start to go black.
now I have a healthy diet,
i eat a lot of of vegetables and get protein just fine but it will not include any of the foods iv always hated. I discovered loads of foods I wasn’t offered but probably should have been because it would have made all our lives easier.

Singleandproud · 14/06/2024 12:14

Your home life sounds awful.

We had to have baths etc at certain times but that was because of the immersion heater.

We couldn't turn the TV past 16 but that was because my dad was asleep and worked nights.

Days out we did lots of trips to the park or when we moved to the coast to the beach. I don't ever remember eating out other than ice creams and chips, money was tight and mum always made a picnic and she still does that now.

YorkieTheRabbit · 14/06/2024 12:14

Not being hungry
Not being cold
Being clean
Having clothes and shoes that fit

thenightsky · 14/06/2024 12:27

Being allowed more than 6 inches of water in the bath. Being able to have a bath and hair wash more than once a week.

Being warm by flicking a switch.

UnravellingTheWorld · 14/06/2024 12:45

Having dinners that taste nice.

I do believe I was lucky as a child: always fed, warm, and clean. But my word, mother doesn't know how to cook. Instead she piles salt on an already cooked meal. We had potatoes at least 5 times a week because it was the only carb that my dad would tolerate. I have always HATED potatoes - especially boiled plain. I would gag on them and they'd fall apart in my mouth and taste like sand, but in those days I had to stay at the table until I'd finished my dinner. I waited for everyone else to leave and then put them in the bin!

Now I eat appropriately seasoned food. One time a Nigerian friend cooked me a steak, which pretty much had its weight in spices applied. Best steak I've ever had.

honeylulu · 14/06/2024 15:16

Having autonomy. As a child i felt as if my parents didn't consider us to be actual people but possessions or extensions of themselves. I wasn't neglected or anything, had a nice life in lots of ways, but my thoughts/ feelings/opinions were an irrelevance and any expression of them that did not align with those of my parents was treated with irritation or derision. Having said that I don't think it was that unusual in the 70s and 80s. Parents were in charge and children were expected to do as they were told and not answer back.

I love being able to express myself now and I give my children the space to do so too (though i do expect good manners and consideration). I love learning about who they are as individuals.

dothehokeycokey · 14/06/2024 15:40

Heating

We grew up in a flat with single glazed windows and shit fitted wooden doors with no heating.

The only heating was an old gas fire in the front room.

It still blows my mind as an adult that I just adjust the thermostat and the house is warm.

We literally went to bed in so many layers and blankets all our childhood.

My parents still don't have central heating but a gas fire in the lounge and it's an end house
Mum has oil radiators all over the place and in constantly and dad moans about the electric bill a lot till I point out he should have had central heating put in.

Food
We had one type of cereal or toast for breakfast.

One type of sandwich filler a week and one meal every night.

Only ever orange squash,no lemonade or juices etc

Crisps were cheap hoops and there was never any snacks like fruit.

My house is full of lovely food and fresh fruit and veg and yes I go to M and s and buy their deli meats and coleslaw and dips.
Makes me feel good when I open the fridge.

A tv in my room.
We never had tvs or music wasn't allowed in our rooms as kids.
We have tvs in every room apart from the bathroom and I watch the kitchen one when I'm ironing or cooking.

Clothes.

All my clothes were handed down from my older sister. The only reason I didn't get her shoes is because my feet were bigger.
Subsequently in adulthood I have three wardrobes full of clothes and I probably wear 50% of it but it's mine and nobody else's and was what I picked for myself so is important to me.

Carebearsonmybed · 14/06/2024 15:44

That's childhood abuse.

If social services knew of this now they'd be classifying July as a child in need.

But unfortunately it's not so uncommon.

DilemmaDelilah · 14/06/2024 18:29

I'm 63 so some things were normal for the time I think. We were very well looked after and had everything we needed but there was little money to spare. We only ever had water to drink, except the occasional glass of squash. Never fizzy drinks. No snacks ever. No helping ourselves to food. We had what was cooked, there was never a choice. And only 2 (and then 3) television channels. I think I went to the cinema twice during my entire childhood. We didn't watch television during the day, and we didn't have a radio (mum did, but we children didnt)

So now, I can eat what I like when I like, have snacks, fizzy drinks, whatever I want. And I have an endless choice of things to watch on the television whenever I like. I have a choice of 3 cinemas to go to it I want, but I usually choose to go to the theatre because I can watch all the films on the telly! I can listen to radio stations on the telly or on my Alexa devices, but I choose not to. If I want to know the weather forecast I can just ask Alexa or check on my phone. If I want to know the correct time I can ask Alexa or check on my phone, instead of having to ring the talking clock. We didn't have a shower, only a bath - I had never had a shower until I was 17. Now I can have a shower whenever I want.

There are a few benefits to being a grown up!

Sunshineonasameyday · 14/06/2024 18:31