Brothers wealth makes me feel less than

[ellecf21]

My husband and I live a comfortable lifestyle, wanting for nothing but certainly don't have an endless pit of money. For context, we bring in about 180k as a household per year. I am a low earner personally as I work part time around my toddler which is perfect and I really love the balance I have. This being said, psychologically that is all I earn so I spend day-to-day as though that's all I have if that makes sense.

My brother and I grew up close in age and have remained close despite living in different parts of the country (he up north and we are London). He worked incredibly hard at school and uni, achieving top of class in everything he did which is amazing, and he is now a director at an investment bank and earns a huge amount of money.

Just recently the gap between our lifestyles feels like it's getting really big, and he often says things that I feel put me / my family down a bit. Example, he will text me things like "what is it like to fly in economy" as though he's never flown economy despite the fact he obviously has and I feel like it's him looking down on me. For context we fly all classes but we are sensible and won't spend on business unless there's a deal. He also says things like "I spend so much money, my credit card bill is £10k this month" and I'm not sure if that's him being braggy but I never know how to respond to it and it makes me feel awkward because I can't relate.

It makes me feel really bad and like he thinks we have nothing which I know is irrational and not true. I'm just looking for people with similar experiences and how to manage them? I don't want to say anything because I don't want to draw attention to it with him. I don't want to say anything to my husband who works hard for the life we have and I am grateful that affords me choices. My relationship with my brother is important to me, but I don't know how to navigate.

Help/advice/similar experiences please x

Yeah, he's being a prick.

Me and my older brother seem similar in the wealth gap. He's a couple of years older than me, and when he was starting secondary school the council were running an Assisted Places Scheme where bright kids could go to independent schools. He got a place in a very strict academic school, and from there went to Oxford where he got a 1st in politics and economics and now works in finance earning ££££££. The council had stopped offering Assisted Places when I started (and tbh I didn't want to go to an independent, I wanted to go to the same school as my friends). Anyway I ended up in a comprehensive, and got a bog standard state education. After a few years as a health care assistant I did train as a mental health nurse but this was before nursing was a degree level profession so while I have a professional qualification I don't have a degree. I'm not very career focused so am a band 6 nurse in the NHS. I'm perfectly happy with this....I'm not money focused and as long as I have a reasonable standard of living I'm OK.

As a result he earns far, far more than me. We're both in london where were from but he lives in a large house and I live in a 2 bed flat. We're both looking at moving, my flat is in the process of being sold for 540k, his house is on the market for 2 million. Both of us and our partners struggled with fertility, he had IVF and has 3 kids (one set of twins so 2 pregnancies). We decided for various reasons not to go there, including cost. His kids are all privately educated.

So our lives are very different. However, he never ever makes me feel bad about how different our lives are. In fact at times he has offered us help. For example a couple of years ago I had gallstones and needed surgery but the NHS was coming out of covid at the time and waiting lists for routine surgery was through the roof and he wanted to pay for me to have it done privately. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately!) My gallbladder was so full to bursting with gallstones I was actually operated on as a priority once they reopened the lists so it wasnt needed.

Your brother sounds like a right dick, he shouldn't rub your nose in it like this.

I totally relate until I read the comments he made. He sounds like an insecure asshole who values himself entirely around his income. Tell him he sounds insecure, he'll hate that!

My Dh and I have similar income to you and I think we are very lucky. It can be a source of embarrassment actually as I work PT in a low paying sector. Thats after many years as SAHM but before that i was doing quite badly in my chosen career and the decision to leave was easy due to childcare costs. DHs brother is so wealthy, both he and SIL are really high earners so the difference between us as couples falls entirely on my lack of career, which I struggled to accept a bit in my 20s. Now in our 40s, they live mortgage free in a bloody mansion, never fly economy and have 4 or 5 trips a year at least 1 long haul. I don't bat an eyelid but DH gets upset over it. He also works with a lot of 'old money' in his industry and can feel left out. He is literally the only person in his Dept that doesn't have a summer home, many own yachts. He gets resentful but it's my job to give him a kick in the butt now and again and make him see reality. We had a very difficult time a few years ago when DS kept bringing up why his cousin had XYZ and he didn't, he was a real little teenage shit at the time taunting DH over why he was the less successful brother. And like a fool DH let it get to him. I tell him to rise above it, show gratitude for what you have etc and that's what I'd say to you now OP!

The main difference for us is BIL is not an ass like your Db. He doesn't hide his money and can be overly generous, he has a massive ego like many successful people do which can be annoying but he would never ever be disrespectful to us and I'd anything he champions DH along in his life decisions.

The OP didn’t suggest her income was low or ask for any sympathy for it, so your bitterness isn’t really necessary here. The thread is about her relationship with her brother.
How old is he OP? He sounds like someone in their 20s who has just started earning big money and thinks people will be impressed by him.

😂😂😂

I really appreciate your comments thank you, especially to those with similar experiences. I know it's irrational and am completely aware we are comfortable but an extra slap in the face to get a grip does help. I am due on my period which prob doesn't help.

I don't think anyone likes to feel looked down on by anyone regardless of their situation and that's the feeling it gave me.

Maybe he is a dick 🤣 and I just don't realise but I love him very much. He is dear to me and will be the only family I have one day so the relationship is important.

Director is below a partner if it's like most firms. That means he's constantly stressed and probably under pressure to get to partner in the next year or so or he will be out on his ear. It's cutthroat in those firms and no one is your friend. I would nod and smile and if he's being really obnoxious ask why he hasn't made partner yet.

@ellecf21 you write
"......Maybe he is a dick and I just don't realise but I love him very much. He is dear to me and will be the only family I have one day so the relationship is important."

But does he love you ?
Are you dear to him ?
Is the relationship important to him ?

It may be just thoughtless slagging you off but it hurts you. He needs to be called out on it.

Any text bragging about money say, ‘do you realise that you’re making yourself sound like a complete wanker’.

That is the only answer to this.

The flying economy thing is bizarre. Who is paying to fly business in Europe, unless it’s funded by work? I’m 100% confident any European business class flight is a few people for work, people on a long haul with a connection, or people travelling on airmiles. It’s a complete waste of money otherwise.

Brother: What’s it like to fly economy?
You: When did you turn in to such a bellend?

I laughed when i read the examples you gave.

I'd suggest doing the same maybe with "cool story bro" at the end.

He legit sounds like a knob and this feeling bad is 100% coming from a place where you arent okay with you. Not him... because his comments are so dumb

The flight comment was ludicrous
european flights have no first class half the time and the business is just economy with no one in the middle and a shit snack with bad wine....

I don’t think his bragging. His your brother and you said you’re both close so it sounds more like he is just moaning to you and letting off steam, I doubt he is intentionally putting you down. Obviously it comes across poorly to you as you don’t have the same lifestyle as him, but it is obviously a problem to him and his moaning about it, just because it isn’t a problem in your eyes doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect him.

A bit like just because something isn’t important to you, doesn’t mean it’s not important to them.

Hahah this is so right. It's honestly ridiculous. I'll adopt this. You're all right, I just need to take with a pinch of salt bc who cares? I'm clearly being over sensitive today.

'What's it like flying economy? Well for entertainment they give us an Etch-a-Sketch to pass around. And we get pot noodles we have to mix with spit because there's no hot water. Oh yes the last flight had windows.'

Your brother sounds like a dick, tell him when he's says someone stupid

😆

He's just bantering you. If that were my brother I would take him down a peg or two. If his heart is in the right place people learn eventually that relationships matter more than money. And if it's not, he needs a sister to set him straight.

is he envious of your happy home life and trying to score points

Why on earth are not standing up to your brother when he’s being an insufferable twat?!

‘What is like to fly in economy?’

’Same as last time you flew in economy’

Tell him he is a show off and stop going on about his money and wealth. It doesn’t impress you.

Very insensitive. It could be that the environment he works in made a him more accustomed to talking this way.

Your brother is being a dick. Call him out on it.

Just be ready to tell him his bantering makes you feel uncomfortable and poor, and could he please stop gloating.

I know it's technically not gloating if it is true but you are feeling upset and you only need to tell him once, I guess.

Remind him that you are proud of his success and love him immensely and that you would love him just as much were he to earn very little.

Some people on becoming wealthy don’t change from the ordinary they used to be. Some change massively. Sounds like your brother is in the latter camp. Give it back to him. My response to his barbs would be along the lines of “all that talent, you could have done something worthwhile with it”.

Tell him, yes he has a lot of money but is seriously lacking in class, grace, humility and other things that make someone a decent likeable human being, you love him but find it so distasteful and cringey it’s difficult to listen to him

I could never afford more than economy but got upgraded on a long haul to business class earlier this year. I was like a kid in a sweet shop and after 9 hours I was still not ready to get off the plane ... I knew I may never be in business again. My point being if one of my siblings was wealthy I would probably play the "that sounds amazing, well done you card" and maybe they might pay to upgrade you? (Trust me it's worth it, the air stewardesses walk past and say "madam you need more wine") It doesn't justify the bragging though, I would find that annoying.