Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How can I help my elderly neighbour?

16 replies

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 06:39

Honestly it’s really getting to me now. She is 71 and as fit as a fiddle. She obviously has some kind of anxiety. Hasn’t worked for 40 years and lost her husband and all his benefits last year. She gets £800 state pension and is obbsessed with money. She never liked him but her life was easier in many ways. She’s our direct flat neighbour and we literally do all the maintenance in our mutual hall. She has gone from reading a book a week to watching telly all day. the tv is an example brand new smart tv which I set up and she still insisted on getting a box with it so she can record her programmes this is despite me begging her not to and showing her how to use catch up. Of course the box was a waste of money. She refuses to use email despite me getting her at least five emailing addresses so now all her channels are in my name. She’s happy with that.

she has an only 49 year old son who lives with her and does Buggar all not a lift to the shops, nothing. He literally sleeps there telling her all about his health issues just to make her stress more. He ran the marathon but still manages to tell her he will need surgery soon, his father was exactly the same living off prescription pain killers.

she refuses to mingle or go out except on Wednesday and Sunday when she gets taxis to the shops she could easily walk to. She is 6ft and strong,

another example is that she has a stray cat she loves but became fixated on the fine for unchipped cats. Not even telling me yesterday she made arrangements for this cat to be scanned. Then came running into me because the cat has a chip. I know this as I have a chip reader. So hysterics now that she is going to lose the cat. Luckily thanks to a dear friend we spent all afternoon sorting out the cats ownership and in seven days the cat will be hers officially. She had rang my bell countless times to say she’s not out of the woods as there is a seven day leeway and he could still be claimed. Dear god we’ve told her he won’t be claimed as the original phone number has been changed. It’s one thing after another.

is this depression? I’ve tried to explain cbt and how she would benefit from a trip to the doctors but is there anyone I can get intouch with.

i have cancer myself and am on chemo I really can’t be doing with all the knocks on the door. I know she is lonely but she has no intention of coming out of her comfort zone. The son went to stay in a hotel last night as she was going on so much. I dread to think what the future looks like.

I sound horrible don’t I? Honestly my 80 year old mother could run rings around and I have to stop comparing.

OP posts:
Sundaysiesta56 · 14/06/2024 06:46

I have no clue how you can help her but you don't sound horrible at all OP. You sound absolutely lovely and like you are really going out of your way for her. Very best wishes for your cancer treatment

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 06:58

I just dread to think what the future will hold. My brothers have the same distatste for my own mum so it is a thing. Luckily my mum doesn’t give a hoot and still manages to be fiercely independent. My neighbour hated her hoarding husband due to dv forty years ago but he became voluntary bed bound and I think the routine of doing his cooking etc and dealing with his benefits gave her something to do. When he went (another thing for me to deal with) he took the benefits to the grace and instead of getting rent of the son he pays it direct to the LL it’s £400 a month! In London! The landlord is despicable but she’s terrier the rent will go up if she asks for a proper bathroom. So they just crack on. She wouldn’t let John Lewis take the old telly away as it belongs to her son. So now she has two tellys and exercise bike and an old sofa in one small room. It’s like everything has a price and there is no way that oaf is going to take things down stairs for the council to take. We can’t do it.

I need to find my happy place I was so good last year on chemo so positive now I’m just down all the time.

OP posts:
hummusandchips · 14/06/2024 07:01

Honestly, leave her to it. You're sort of enabling her and she's not your responsibility. Put up some boundaries.

She has a son living with her, let him sort the telly etc.

You can't make her take help and you need to look after yourself,

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 07:02

He has no compassion

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 07:03

A psychologist would have a field day with them. You are right I have to step back. She’s too young to be having volunteers and I don’t think she would appreciate them.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 14/06/2024 07:10

Why are you so invested in this woman and her life?
You owe her nothing. Stop answering the door

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 07:16

Probably because I can see how the future will pan out and really she shares my hall and door I’m not about to fall out with her anything could happen and I would be the one there. I just wondered if a gp would be interested in supporting her.

OP posts:
ByCupidStunt · 14/06/2024 07:41

I think you're way too invested - take a step back. She will already have a GP who supports her.

Olika · 14/06/2024 08:14

I think you are far too invested in your neighbour. She is not your responsibility.

Thighdentitycrisis · 14/06/2024 08:20

Anxiety can be an early indicator of dementia, my mum was like this. You are over helping and need to set boundaries while you still can

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 08:24

Thanks for the tips I’ll step back

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 14/06/2024 08:29

Yes I think you are too involved. Don’t share emails , finances etc. Her son can help her or she can just manage without those channels or read a book/ listen to the radio.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 14/06/2024 09:34

The more you do for your neighbour, the more she will expect I'm afraid.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 14/06/2024 10:04

Your neighbour isn't your responsibility OP, disengage. She has her adult son living with her, it's up to him to help her or get help for her. Look after yourself, stop answering the door to her, tell her you won't be able to help with X Y or Z and tell her to get her son to sort it out for her. It's not your problem if he won't. He probably thinks you'll take over all her care and he can have a great time doing his own thing. Just keep telling her you can't help, son will have to sort that out. Stop worrying about what's in her house or what she's doing. Get your peace of mind back and focus on your own wellbeing now.

EachandEveryone · 14/06/2024 14:48

Yes you are all right. I saw her go out for a paper at 6am whilst I was feeding the cats which is good. I’ve managed to get washed and dressed and pick up my new glasses. I can hardly wear them I feel so giddy. I’m having a nice sickly Costa now even though I can’t really take cold drinks I do miss them. Yes I have to focus on myself. The son is a waste of space but not my problem.

OP posts:
Elle35 · 05/08/2024 15:23

I have a fit elderly neighbour who is 90 but mobile. I have known her for a lot of years but her family live a good way away but I have only seen them visit once in 23 years so think there is an issue. Her son died recently and as she is becoming a bit forgetful and made no attempt to organise the funeral I ended up doing it all and running her to the undertakers, registrars, etc and phoning up and cancelling things. I went above and beyond to help which wasn't easy as my own mother needs help and my sister is terminally ill and my brother has mental health issues and I have a husband so my time is limited. This neighbour has had a privileged life and has been used to having things done for her. She wont spend money on a gardener or housekeeper even though she can afford it. Family don't seem to be in touch much and only stayed overnight for the funeral then went home. I took her to her sons house and helped a friend of her sons pack up any belongings she wanted before seeing about house clearance. My husband arranged for this lady's sons house to be cleared and sorted all that, then she mucked us about saying it was too expensive and wanted to cancel. It eventually went ahead. She hasn't paid the house clearance company or the undertakers and when my husband broached it with her she snapped and said she won't have people telling her what to do and said she hadn't had any bills in which she has and thst these people can just wait to be paid. My husband left as he got upset. I felt bad as she is grieving but I feel we have done so much for her and she now is hinting that there is all her sons stuff to go through and she wants to visit her sons house now that it is cleared as it will need cleaned before the keys go back to the council. She does drive but says she has lost confidence. So I feel she wants me to do all this stuff. I'm not unkind but I feel enough is enough and she also has neices who live not too far away but are not helping. Her daughter lives a good distance but I feel she didn't help at all with the funeral and was probably quite happy to let me do it. She could help from afar but doesn't. Am I being unreasonable? I also sort of fell out with my husband over it as he says he's had enough and I shouldn't feel bad as I've done more than enough. I would welcome any thoughts?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page