Am I ready for a baby?

[contrarymary96]

I feel like we might be ready soon but I also don't know if I'm way off so was hoping for some advice if I give some info about our situation.

I'm 28, DP is 31. Not married, been together happily for 9 years. Not married due to not having spare cash for it due to house renovation costs. It's something we've discussed and both want for the future. We live with our dog who we've kept her alive for 2 years so hopefully that bodes well.

Sold our FTB home this year and moved into a 3 bed detached house which we love. Really happy here.

We both earn £28k currently, my income will increase to £34k by October definitely. DP has been verbally offered a pay increase to £35k to start before this xmas but this is not official yet so not relying on it for definite. Both jobs quite secure. I get good mat pay, and flexible working so I could go part time afterwards.

We have £75,000 equity in our home, our mortgage payments are £1000 p/m. We have one car payment of £200 p/m and no other debt. We have around £4,000 in easy access savings.

We don't have practical family support nearby, sadly.

We both want children, I feel we should get started soon as I'm so worried about the possibility of fertility problems (no evidence for this, I'm just worried about it).

Unsure whether to wait a bit longer, save money, and get married but it feels like such a waste of money. I feel like time is trickling away from me.

What do you think? What should we do?

If you cant afford to get married you can't afford to have a baby.

Always the advice to marry first for the protections it affords too.

Get married, it's what, £100? Have the big party later on if you want it and can't afford it now.

What I would also say is you're only guaranteed time free of responsibility for dependents before you have them. You might think you get another lease of life at 50 when they're grown, but you might not get this if one or more is disabled etc. So I'd be certain you have done all you want to do without kids, before kids.

Ps: a wedding doesn't need to be an expensive affair. Just get something booked, sign the forms and voila.

I don't think anyone is ever ready.

Are house renovations complete? I wouldn't have a baby with work needing to get done as it's incredibly hard to finish and logistics with a baby are difficult.
Babies are not that expensive in terms of financial readiness. The killer will be childcare costs once maternity leave is done. Do factor that into your finances.

Otherwise, go for it. Good luck.

Get married first OP.

Don't end up like the many MNetters upset that their DPs have changed their minds, because they have everything they need without the 'bit of paper'.

Get married first cheaply, then have a baby, then once you are done having kids have your big ‘wedding’ when your family is complete

I'm a single mother who was in a relationship for a few years and rented was on a decent wage full time and I had my first child at 28. I was not married. My dd left me and I've worked since she was born and raised her alone. It's not been easy financially but we go on an abroad holiday once a year I drive a decent plate car I pay all my bills my dd goes to all sports activities singing drama hadnt wanted for anything else any Xmas or birthday.
N I did that alone on less than 3/4 your wages.
I then met my partner a few years down the line in my mid 30s he worked well good wage etc realised I wanted a second child and I then had 4 miscarriages jn a row over 2 years.

So what im trying to say is I'm so grateful I had my first child at 28 as no body knows what is around the corner. I'm not saying it will happen to u but no amount of time or money or a marriage certificate can you back your best fertility years.
Go for it.

Ah rats! I knew you'd all say get married.

I know you're right. And I know a wedding doesn't have to be expensive but we've both said if we do it, we'd want to make it special.

I was hoping as we're 50/50 with all finances, would both reduce working days and contribute to childcare costs etc it would be less of a risk.

The house is fine, still a few bits to do but the disruptive renovation part is finished.

Thanks for advice so far I'll keep reading!

• my dd dad left me when she was a baby sorry I was meant to say.

It's a good way to test if they're piss takers or not too. As plenty of mumsnetters have found our, often men are all too keen to father kids. But when they arrive...turn from decent, into lazy assholes who think childcare is womens work. And now they hacs her baby trapped, they don't even have to pretend they want marriage anymore.

Tbh I would be reluctant to have kids with any man who didn't want marriage first. It's their commitment to you. It doesn't necessarily mean they'll keep that commitment of course...but if they won't even volunteer that much and encourage that before kids...why would you put your body at risk having their children? Because they're already hinting they are not in it for the long haul.

Ah, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how painful that must have been.

You're right, there's no predicting what might happen next in life. I am pleased you have your daughter.

Echoing get married. We are on similar incomes in our 20s and expecting first baby. Our mortgage payment is the same, too. You just need to be married, and if you don’t before kids then you won’t. How about eloping somewhere? It doesn’t have to be expensive. Commit to each other before having a baby. It’s protection for you and your child that you never know when you may need.

Sorry if I sound very old school! But it is really true. X

I think everything else about your situation is great, though. There’s never a right time :) best of luck

As you are 50/50 have you discussed him taking over all the payments whilst you are pregnant/recovering? Because a chunk of that, you probably won't be working.

And, do you like your job? Because the reality is, many women even these don't go back to work for a while after having kids. There'll be some issue with childcare for example...maybe he begrudge paying for it whilst your carreer restarts up again, so you decide not to work. These things happen.

You need to know he is willing to pay everything for the longterm...just incase!

You sound more than ready to me!

Your careers/salaries might stall a bit but you have to weigh that against the risk of infertility by waiting. It's about priorities.

Get married if you want to. It's NOT a cost thing. I got married with two witnesses and my dog (most importantly) only for £120. It was special in its own way. Yes I'd like to make it really special for both our families too but I'll do another ceremony if/when I have the money - you could do the same and maybe even have a baby for everyone to come and meet by then.. two birds one stone etc!

Yes we've discussed it.

He's a great partner, very committed, selfless, not weird about money. He'd give me his last penny before I'd even asked for it. We're 50/50 in everything.

He'd actually be keen for shared parental leave but I've told him to keep his mitts off my mat leave!!!

Job wise, yes all good. I'm a midwife, I can work minimum 22.5 hrs over 3 days, or could increase to 4 or 5 days if I wanted.

Also thank you @FlyingSoap for the fair and sound advice!

I know we need to do it, it just feels like a giant waste of money! But equally I wouldn't want to miss out on a nice wedding by doing it cheap 😂 gosh I'm hard work hey.

This. It’s a couple of hundred quid.

Then I read posts like yours and want the tiny wedding!!! Sounds perfect

@contrarymary96 it really was - we didn't tell anyone so NO stress. No big outfits. Wasn't about anyone or anything except us and beloved dog. I took a bunch of lovely daffodils, bottle of our favourite English sparkling (and had more bottles of champs on the day!) and went to a beautiful registry office with OH and beloved dog. Got lovely photos I'll keep forever.

We told family AFTER and sent photos from the steps of the registry office and they all agreed it was a good shout and good way to save £10k - no issues there at all. No stress for anyone involved.

And option of a marriage party remains open at any date in the near or far future - could combine it with welcoming a baby to merit family travel to an event and all the money it would cost.