How do I change my ‘all or nothing’ mentality?

[Amch]

It’s kinda pathetic when I say my examples out loud but genuinely this is how I work….

If my nails aren’t done, what’s the point of applying any makeup, wearing a nice outfit and styling hair?

If the straighteners have packed up, what’s the point of applying the gradual tan that I like or doing anything at all that makes me feel good about myself?!

If I wouldn’t have time to clean the bathroom but could do the rest of the flat, what’s the point? Because the bathroom isn’t done along with the rest of the flat so… pointless!

Essentially, if it can’t be near on spot on or ‘perfect’, then I always fail to see the point. There is no middle ground.

It seems to be getting worse and I really don’t know why.

I can be the same but when I'm down, I like things to build up before I do a magic clean/wash/grooming session and feel human again. I think I have adhd.

Oh, you've just put your finger on exactly why my house is always a state! No advice sorry, but following for interest.

Don’t loose it. I have an all or nothing mentality maybe not to the examples you gave but I have that mentality with work and relationships. Friends family and romantically.

if it’s not fulfilling and giving the all I need (which I know this sounds like I’m arrogant and demanding but my all is the basics, communication, mutual respect, honesty, commitment) then I’d rather have the nothing with that person / situation.

it’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s you, it’s who you are and it’s a quirk that makes you you.

I have this same way of operating OP and I don’t know what the answer is.

Wow, you are not going to like getting old! When your face or body is a mess, what’s the point of wearing makeup or dressing nicely? I struggle with this all the time.

Embrace it. I'm very similar. You might need to slightly tweak your mental boundaries. Eg. Rather than clean the whole house can you unleash your all or nothing mentality on one room at a time? The other thing is establishing small routines that you don't even notice. Eg. I'm a very much all or nothing person when it comes to exercise. I'll run 10km daily and go to the gym for 2 months then stop. I've started adding 15 minutes of weights into my day. It doesn't count as exercise in my mind. It's like you wouldn't say I haven't done my nails so I won't bother doing my teeth. If something is part of your routine it doesn't fall into the optional category 😊

Can you stop the 'what's the point?' moment being a rhetorical question and actually answer it each time.

E.g. Q: 'What's the point of putting on make up if my nails aren't done?'
A; The point is for my face to look fresh, expressive and to enhance my best facial features. If I feel my best when i'm completely put together, then being half way there is better than no effort at all.

Q: What's the point of cleaning the rest of the flat if I have no time to do the bathroom?
A: The point is, it will be so much nicer to come home to a tidy, clean smelling flat and then when I next have the energy to clean, I only have to do the bathroom! I want a clean flat so doing all rooms except the bathroom is an 80% win.

Keep answering the question with genuine positive reasons for making an effort. We know that almost anything worth doing in life involves being broken up into achievable stages along the way. Concert pianists have to pass Grades 1-8 before they get to music college and mess up thousands of scales in the process; best selling novelists have to write a few words a day until they've finished the story and then edit out thousands of words to make the book flow; champion sports people have to lose a few games sometimes or perform despite injuries.

It's very rare that conditions are consistently perfect for anyone. The way to have what you want is to accept that getting it comes in stages.

This is like me. I also get into weird endless thought loops where I have lots of things to do and can’t decide an order or one can’t be done until another thing is done but then that cant be done until I’ve done something else. So I sit glued to the spot for an hour in which I could have done all the things 🙁

Hmm, I never realized this but I too get this black and white mentality about getting things done when I have very low energy or am depressed. Then it is very difficult to even get started, what is the point?
So I trick myself into action by telling myself all I have to do is one small thing and then I can stop. By then I am usually able to do quite a bit more than I initially intended to do.

I found your post really helpful @Lilacdew. thank you 🙏

@Lilacdew @WhenSunnyGetsBlue
Very helpful advice - genuinely taken some good points from your comments and will try to implement some changes! It gets me down because it is quite literally ALL or nothing with me. People around me are definitely starting to notice it too.

Thanks all - really glad I started this thread.

I have a mantra: "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good". Also agree @Lilacdew 's advice is excellent.