Am I the reason Dd choices bad relationships.

[Needtoask32]

I had dd when I just turned 20. But I was a young 20 l have learning difficulties so maybe that's linked i don't know.

Anyway in a nut shell I was seeing DD father. Got pregnant by him. He wasn't really interested in DD.would see him now and then . Could be weeks between visits . When Dd was around 9 months old. I found out that he had Been accused of fracturing a child's skull. I was told by social services not to go near him because he was a risk to my child. So I never saw him .

Years later dd would have been 4 ish at this point I bumped into him. He seemed really happy and chatty . He told me he had Been found not guilty at court and there would not be a problem with us having contact. I said that I wanted to talk to social services to be sure. They said it was fine as long as I didn't leave DD alone with him. Which I did not.

So like the prick I am, I got pregnant by him. Again. He stopped coming over I got to several months pregnant and health visitor asked who father was I told her who it was. Thinking have nothing to hide. She told me she would have to tell social services. I said it was fine as I had already spoken to them several months back.

But it was not as simple as i thought. Social services became involved again. Unannounced visits. Was told if I ever saw dd/ds father again my kids would be taken. Everything I did was looked very closely it was awful I had am awful social worker test lied and twisted things. It was only because the health visitor literally pulled her up at a conference that I was believed it was awful. I got a new sw and she was fantastic. But alot of damage had been done from the one that caused so much stress. Anyway my case got closed.

I should have said in the above paragraph there was a little DV. He once had me by the throat up against the fridge freezer. And he was often verbally aggressive. He had other partners who he was violent to but I don't know the details. This was when dd was 9/10 months old .

So case closed.

Over the years i have found it hard to keep/stay in relationships. Anything slight happens a raised voice , bad tone . A typical argument that couples may have. I end the relationship. I have done this several times. I would say I have never really made effort to keep a relationship.

Dd was only 9 months old around the time of the brief DV thus was 26 years ago. I have never been in a DV type relationship since.

So dd is 27 and she seems to keep getting herself into DV type relationship ls. Is this my fault because I never showed her about stayed in a stable relationship.

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Bumping this as its been on my mind for a long time.

In short yes. And I’m not trying to be mean.

You will have a deep engrained belief about your worth and how to act in a relationship/what you deserve.

And your dd will have too.

What’s in the past - leave it there and work towards changing your beliefs about your self.

Doing the work by Dr Nicole LePera is a fantastic book and really recommend you both read it

absolutely not your fault that you were a dv victim and not your daughters fault either BUT there is lots you can both do now - have you heard of the freedom programme?
Have you heard of codependency?

Violent aggressive men often go for super kind empathetic lovely women who don't put their own needs first. These traits are maybe what your daughter inherited from you and may have put her at risk from these men.

Therapy for both of you to explore these. And reminding your daughter that she deserves only kindness and safety from relationships

I don’t think thinking of it in terms of “fault” is helpful. If it was “your fault”, then whose fault is it that you experienced DV. It would have to go through your parents, grandparents, great grandparents etc. Where would it end?

Even if it is proved objectively that everything was “your fault”, that’s not going to fix or help the situation now. I just don’t think blame, shame, fault creates a healthy mindset to recover from bad experiences.

That’s not to say you can’t have an open and honest conversation with your daughter about where you made mistakes and what you would do differently if you had your time again. Done right, that could be a positive and healing conversation.

I’m wondering if you or your daughter have had any counselling or support to deal with what happened to you both. You’ve both experienced DV, and then additional trauma from SS. Have you looked into doing something like The Freedom Program. That could help you put into context what happened to you and help you move forward.

I can't see how it can be inherited from me. Dd was only 9/10 months when I had DV the physical thing only ever happend once and the verble stuff was literally a handful of times that was 26 years ago .

My other relationships have never been DV types not physical or verbally. Any arguments were standard or petty. But I would end the relationship over stupid stuff. I think it stems from the experience I had with social services back then.

Dd have dome the freedom programme but I don't think it sinks in

My thing was 26 years ago . And dd was 9/ 10 months old do I don't see how it would have that type of effect .

But I wounder if because she's seen me go from one pointless relationship to another she sees it that she does not want to be like me

I mean it could be a combination of things. I do believe that very young children can hold unconscious memories of things that happened to them. They can form patterns of behaviour designed to protect them from hurt in adult life, which might not be the best most healthy way.

It takes work and/or a skilled therapist to help bring these unconscious beliefs/patterns to the surface to help fix them.

It could also be true that she absorbed some messages about relationships that aren’t particularly helpful and is working through those in her life now.

What I found through going through therapy myself is that a search for blame isn’t helpful. It’s better to start here and now, realistically assess where we are now and think about how to move forward.

Yes 100 percent your relationships have impacted on your daughter’s view of relationships. Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's not your fault. It's your ex's fault. But yes your dd childhood and the relationships she was role modelled will have impacted her. Plus the lack of positive male role model. Can you suggest counselling, freedom program?

A 'little' DV? Oh, OP.

The only person to blame for your daughter being in an abusive relationship is the person who is abusing her.

You can hopefully help her to see that she shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship, that she deserves to be cherished and happy. You can also help het to see that being single is better than a bad relationship- as someone posted earlier, share with her how you have learnt from bad relationships.

Women's Aid can provide advice and support, you can help to build up her self-esteme and make sure that she knows she can always go to you for support.

None of us are perfect - all human.
You have done all you can to give her stability, no doubt.
We sometimes are too young to see things for what they are, don't have the experience. Life is for learning which you have done - you've expressed your challenges well and shown you see them for what they were. On some level you'll have taught this to your daughter as well, because of your struggles she will know more than a parent who has never had those struggles. We close circles, stop cycles and change patterns from our own childhoods on the whole. Hopefully to improve the next generation, but they have their own mistakes to make too. Just keep being there for her and supporting her.

No it really was like that . I don't want to undermine what he done but I don't want to make it something it wasn't either. He only ever got physical once and that was just went he got me up against the fridge freezer. And thete was a handful of verble type stuff and I mean maybe 5 ish times.

I kind of feel it was more social services that caused damage more so that he did. Wg8ch caused me to go from one relationship to another.

It feels a little complicated because there 5 years between dd and Ds it seems like I had a 5+ year relationship with him but I didn't .

Yeah , sorry, but yeah. She grew up seeing only abusive or unhealthy relationships. How is she supposed to know what love or a healthy relationship is?

My mum was the same, I'm the same as your daughter, I have very fortunately found a good man and done ALOT of self healing, it's hard, I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship and had to work very hard to not repeat it, I'm very very lucky to have found DP.

Your daughter will have to do alot of work on herself to repair the damage her childhood did.

See this is the thing and maybe it's my lack of understanding. But because Dd recent ex became violent towards her . She had to stop contact with him. She was very angry with hom slaghing him off etc it's to much to write. Then she found our he's now seeing someone else within a week ish of them breaking up and she's been sobbing for days and saying her life is pointless etc.

And yeah have tried so many times. When she's on her own even if its a few days/a week. We say look how chilled and relaxed things have been you have more money you have better routine. Point out to her all the positive things she has going for her. And she tells me herself he brings nothing to the relationship and sge funds things easier without him. But I think shes stuck on the emotional side of things.

Have also had to say the horrible bits where she risks having her kids taken if she keeps getting into bad relationships. As she's previously had PLO

She is walking the same path you did. Because that’s what you modelled.

Even you say ‘little DV’ - you’re minimising it. Your dd is probably minimising what’s been happening to her.

Most people who have been violently grabbed against something would actually think it pretty bad.

You can’t really pick her up on her behaviour as you still behave the same way.

I suggested a book up thread. I suggest you read it as you will be surprised when you recognise yourself and what impact it’s had in your dd. Then you can move forward and help your dd

You have modelled bad relationships to her, yes. I'm sorry for you and your daughter. It's not just your fault, her father is to blame also.

Childhood trauma (because that is what she went through) affects us into adulthood. I did exactly the same thing, my father was a drug addict and useless, my mum couldn't be happy without a man, I got into a shitty relationship myself and ended up a teen mum.

I've broken the cycle by deciding to stay single as I don't know what a healthy relationship is quite frankly and don't trust my own judgement with men now.

I know no one is actually being unkind etc and the posts have been helpful thank you so much .

But I think some things are being totally misunderstood. And I keep going in circles trying to explain. I don't have the energy to keep doing it. So I'm gonna step away for a bit. I may check back later . When I feel a bit less drained