Son(9) being violent

[krlg]

Divorced with 9yr son & 8yr daughter
Dispute over access and when there father turns up to sons football training results in abusive behaviour even after being on the phone to his father behaviour changes and becomes violent and hits his sister
I Am at my wits end don't know err what to do
Help please

When he's calm, are you able to talk about what's upsetting him in those moments?

Is it angry, or is he scared of his dad? Is he very upset/sad?

Is his dad doing anything to trigger the behaviour that you can pinpoint?

I would seek counselling for both your children if you possibly can manage that. Maybe the school can help with how to find and access appropriate counselling?

Thanks for replying
Always seems to be after seeing or taking to his father
His father is his hero and is always making it difficult for me as he wants co-parenting which is not going to happen
Trying my best but am worn out

What was his dad's behaviour like in the family home? Do you know the kind of things his dad says to him? If your son has a phone, can you check the messages?

Dads behaviour was always good with the kids but since meeting new g/f he wants to have the kids equally which i will never agree to
He calls me names like lazy because i work part-time and greedy because he has to pay maintenance and loads of really sickening names in the public view i think he only wants kids equally to reduce child support as he would be working full time and would get relatives to look after kids that's the reason i work part time to be there for the kids

Is this after contact with his dad when you are not present, so you don't know what's happening or what's being said?

What's the football practice situation? Are you there, watching, then your ex just turns up and starts interacting with your son? How does that all happen?

You really need to talk to your son (and your daughter) when he is calm and find out if you can what happens with his dad.

What is the current contact schedule like? Is it court ordered?

It may be that 50/50 would be better for the children. Why do you oppose it - do you have any parenting concerns? You say their father was good with the children.

Your son sounds very unhappy, so don't rule out changes.

Clearly behaviour is communication
Ask gp to refer to family therapy

Please do whatever you must do in order to protect your daughter. I had a violent brother who was constantly hitting me. It was awful. It was excused as, "boys will be boys" when what it should be is "boys will be held responsible for violent behaviour". He destroyed my childhood.

I have no contact with him now.

There is contact which was stopped for 3mths while solicitors negotiated and was agreed it was stopped as failed to return them
He promises them things that i couldn't afford
He turns up to football practice and causes seen to embarrass me in public

Is it the treatment of you in public what triggers your son to be violent?

https://www.elsa-support.co.uk/#

Contact the school and ask if they offer the ELSA Support programme, which may be available more quickly than going through the GP.

@fedupandstuck
Could be as he copies same behaviour e.g. Pushes his sister into kitchen and shouts cook clean and f's at me really wares me down

Going against the grain. He was shit partner yes but apparently as you admit he is a good dad. It sounds like both your son could do with it and your daughter. Also you, sounds like you need a break. Are you reluctant to agree because your money would drop? You don’t have to answer of course but if this is a driver but actually would be better for the kids then perhaps a pill to swallow.

why don’t you start small. Assume he has EOW contact? If it’s not his weekend he shouldn’t be at football and vice versa - see if this improves behaviour.

offer for him to have them for dinner two nights a week. Son one night, daughter the other, use this time to speak to son. I’d suggest if he kicks off in this time it might suggest he wants more time with his dad. If separate dinners work, do it for a period of time then send both of them at the same time.

in the nicest way, there are so many single mothers struggling to get their baby dads to acknowledge their kids existence. You had kids with this man and that can’t be changed now. He is actively trying to be present in their lives, don’t deny him this, the kids will resent you for stopping it. I would however see if he is good to his word and can maintain consistency with dinners for a period of time because if he is flaky you’ll have to deal with it.

Your updates suggest that your ex has a) refused to return the children in the past and b) your son is 'copying' his father - meaning the parenting is not actually good?

I think you need proper advice, I'm just not sure where you get this from.