I’m divorced, lonely, but what do I want?

[Chippyeggs]

Ok, so I’m divorced after a reasonably long marriage. It was abusive, in all ways and I think even though it’s been a few years I’m a bit scarred by it all.

I’m a bit odd, as in I had my children later in life and now I’m coming up to 50 but still have young children (under 10) so I am in no way young and nor am I an older woman who is free to do what they want.

I never wanted to meet anyone again, I couldn’t even entertain the idea, and I’m still not sure I can now……but…..I’m starting to get the feeling of loneliness and fear, my kids are growing up, and here I am on my own. I think I feel discontented.

It’s hard to explain but I have a shit job that gives me no joy (I’ve never really had a career and that’s fine), I get on with colleagues, but that’s all it is, I lost everyone I thought was a friend during my divorce because my divorce was a massive fight and I was quite absorbed with it (and very poor, I couldn’t socialise) so everyone’s life moved on and now there’s no space for me, so I don’t have anyone I can call on for a coffee anymore.

Weekends are spent with the children, but that’s pretty much all I do and I feel like I escaped all that shit and fought for the life I have now only for that life to be a bit “meh”

Family wants me to meet someone. I don’t know if that’s the answer, but they worry that in 10 years I will be alone and there won’t be anyone around for me. I do worry about that too, but on the other hand I can’t even imagine the idea of marrying again, and even if I did, where on earth do I meet people. Every partner/my ex husband were friends first, I don’t think I could face OLD and my confidence is pretty low to put up with the twattery on there.

Ive just reached a point of where do I go? What do I do? I’m not bad looking, but I’m nothing like I used to be, I can’t do on the spur weekends away, and my whole marriage has shattered my confidence, even though I give a very different impression if you meet me.

I guess I just want to write this down, because I feel like I’m going nowhere and I’m now nothing. Once I was a wife and now I’m not. I see others with their husbands and I’m sad because I never had a relationship like they do, and I have no relationship now, but I feel doubly cheated, like marriage was so shit, but freedom isn’t so amazing either??

Anyway. There you go. Feel free to comment on that huge post!!

Let things unfold naturally in their own time. There's no rush. Take stock, enjoy your children, get to know 'you' again. These things take time. You need to heal and be happy in yourself again. Don't worry about what the future holds. I lost my DH young and was constantly anxious about what would happen to my life as all my friends were settled and married. But in time, organically, you change and life throws things in the most unexpected places. I'm now happily married, but I needed to be in a happy place myself first. Don't look to others to complete you or your life - that's the lesson I learned. Once I found happiness alone, good things followed x

Hello! You are me a year ago!

This might sound a bit woo woo but you’ve got to really start falling in love with your self again - like really falling in love with you and enjoying your own company.

I hated the kids not being here on a weekend so I’d get pissed and go on dating apps - which made me feeling even shitter.

I read ‘doing the work’ by Dr Nicole LePera and that was an eye opener to who I was, why I behaved the way I do. It was good for me as I felt like I’d failed at being a wife or even someone in a couple! And why I felt I was only worth if I was with some one. She’s also got another book out called ‘be the love you seek’ but I’ve not read that yet - but I will. Started practising meditation and loads of gratitude meditation - especially in the morning to set me up for the day.

Doing exercise, going to sound baths, going down rabbit holes on frequency music and it benefits, really really being kind to myself, changing how I thought about myself and the negative words I say to myself. Drinking pure cacao ( fantastic for menopause and mood balancing). And slowly my out look on my life has changed.

The most important thing in my life now is my kids happiness and my own peace.

This weekend I didn’t have the kids so I seen friends for a bit then couldn’t wait to get home to practice OM meditation. I LOVED it and went to bed feeling really happy 😂😂

If my friends new what I’d been doing they wouldn’t believe it as I’m not that person 🙈

I’m honestly in the best place I’ve been in my life and that’s because I’ve invested so much time in making sure I feel peace.

This is just the next chapter for you - make it your best one!

I’ve name changed for this as I’m aware I sound completely bonkers 🙈

The getting pissed and going on dating apps I can relate to a lot too! It's like you're desperately seeking something or someone to make you feel worthy. I did the same, it just made me feel worse! You don't sound bonkers. The OP is at the start of all this, it's something that's forced on you, to reevaluate and you start to examine yourself more mentally and what makes you happy. I'm glad you've found happiness 😊 I'm sure the OP will too, it all takes time, patience, lots of messing up and tears, but in the end it all works out doesn't it!

Thing is I don’t think I’m lonely for a man, I think I’m just lonely. After my marriage the thought of a bloke here, thinking he was somehow in charge etc fills me with dread.
But I am lonely and I know that my attractiveness to the opposite sex is diminishing year by year, which makes it harder still.
I haven’t, in the time since we split thought of another relationship, but I’m aware that no one has been the least bit attracted to me either.
i just feel “meh” rubbish job, normal house, overwhelmed with doing it all and it’s not quite the life I guess I envisioned for myself.

Well, we're not 25 anymore!
If you feel negative, you'll project negative. Most of us have boring jobs, average house, kids. It's real life I guess!

I don’t expect life not to be boring, but having fought very hard for my freedom from my exh and the life I lead I had hoped to feel a bit more happiness with that freedom.
it took years of battling to get divorced and get sorted, but now that the dust is settling it’s just a gaping hole that I don’t really know how to fill.
My entire life was spent stopping him kicking off, now it’s not, but I kind of don’t know what to do

It's not just about looks - a big part of attraction is your energy, how you feel about yourself, having fun, being fun. You're a free lady. Love yourself and the rest will follow. Have faith you're exactly where you're meant to be right now 🫶