How do I feel excited about the 'next chapter''? 40 and feeling very sad

[NotintheMoment]

Hi,

I recently turned 40 and have a 17 year old DD, so I was a young mum and will likely be a young empty nester.

Obviously being a younger mum has it's pluses as well as minuses, but I'm finding it really difficult to look forward to the next bit. I have been a sahm for a long time, so definitely have lost my identity a bit and actually not completely sure I ever had it. Basically DD has been my life and I just don't feel ready to be an empty nester. I feel like I should still have little ones running around, driving me mad, but also giving me purpose. I know how that sounds. I suppose I've always just been very maternal and never thought I'd be a 'one and done' mum at 22.

DD has some mild learning difficulties, which is probably another reason I don't feel ready. I possibly worry about her becoming independent more than average, as I struggle to see it some days. She's in that awkward middle ground where she doesn't necessarily need any extra outside help, but is quite socially immature and naive and so letting her go feels quite overwhelming at times. She is growing up into a very determined, ambitious young woman though and I know I need to trust her ability more.

I don't know how common this is, but I tend to look back at happy memories and automatically feel sad, simply because that's over now, whereas dp is the opposite and will just feel happy by happy memories and doesn't understand my thinking at all. I am so envious of people who do this. I wish I could just live in the moment and not just mourn what has gone or worry about what is to come.

I have tried CBT for my very self destructive and unproductive way of thinking, but I have had little to no success with it unfortunately.

I suppose I'm just reaching out on here for some advice from those who maybe understand and have come out the other side.

How do I just look forward to this next bit? I'm still relatively young, financially pretty comfortable and I have the freedom to start a new career if I want, so I know I should just be grateful and excited, but all this negative thinking and sadness is holding me back.

Thanks for reading.

I don’t know really. Maybe just getting out there, building a new life and interests and see if your feelings change?

Get hobbies, develop, grow, do gardening, volunteering, get involved with shaping young people, read, coach, cook. There is plenty that needs doing so get stuck in and fulfill your purpose. You will get to be a grandmother in the future hopefully to! To nourish negative thoughts, nurture positive ones!

@Littleststone that's what I would love to do, but I don't know where to start. I've really lost my confidence. I can fake it quite well, but I honestly feel pretty clueless these days.

@kalokagathos not for a long time yet! 😂 but yes, it will be nice to still feel young and be able to keep up with them.

It really does suck to feel this way. It holds me back from finding the joy, but I can't just accept that.

You just need to get on and do it. The confidence will come after. You say you can fake it well, so just do that until you feel it. Do you know what you would like to do? It sounds like you are actually in a very lucky position, where you can choose what you would like to do now. Now is the time to get started. You have a lot of life still to live.

I think you have a good few years yet to start filling that black hole with plans.
Unless DD is moving out at 18 to be immediately self sufficient.

If she goes to Uni she’ll likely still be home for half the year until she’s 22 or 23.

What are your interests? Career plans?

What were the things you would have done but couldn't do because you had full time care of your DD?

Pick a college course (full time, part time, qualification or leisure) and a group you want to join (book group, sports, slimming, caters group, rambling, anything at all) and go from there.

You need to get back into the habit of being an adult outside the home. Baby steps. You'll get there.

Do you want another baby? It's not too late to add to your family...

@OriginalUsername2 you make a good point. I think I've really built up her turning 18 in my head, like everything will change overnight.

@LiterallyOnFire I really don't know anymore. I know that makes me sound incredibly dull. The thing is, if this was someone asking me for advice, I'd probably have lots of ideas. When it comes to helping myself, I find it really difficult. A therapist once said that subconsciously I don't feel I'm worthy, so stand in my own way. Perhaps there is some truth in that.

@Jk987 Yes, but for various reasons that's not going to happen.

Would you consider fostering as your new direction? You sound like a wonderful and caring person who would have an awful lot to give.

@Bemusedandconfusedagain thank you. I have actually, but held off looking into it seriously until DD has finished her education, due to the inevitable disruption and unpredictability it would bring. I didn't used to think I could do it, as I always assumed I wouldn't want to let them go and would get attached very quickly, but I see things a bit differently now.