Child ignoring me

[Muchlymoosiemoo]

Does anyone have any experience of their child ignoring them? I am separated from my son’s dad. When he is with me, he’s fine, we get on well and there’s no problems. If I see him when he’s with his father (at extracurricular activities), he will actively ignore me, if I try to speak to him to just say hello, he will coldly turn his back on me. He is 9.

We went through a period a year or so ago when he would cry when he would come to my house and say he wanted to stay with his dad; also he would cry at his dad’s and say he wanted to stay there (my other child told me, who I have none of these issues with).

I haven’t been in your situation but from my understanding children often display odd behaviours when they can’t express their emotions in other ways.

How long have you and his dad been separated? Was the split amicable? It may be that he has feelings of resentment around the separation and feels you are the reason (from his perspective) that his family don’t live together anymore.

Could it be that his Dad is making comments about you that would cause him to act this way? Or has it been said at some point that parental contact is your time with that parent so he’s interpreting that to mean he has to ‘pick’ the parent he is with? Will he talk to you on the phone when he stays with his Dad?

He could have overheard an adult conversation and misinterpreted something said by you/his Dad/relative etc which has caused him to develop this behaviour. It may stem from something his sibling has said.

Do you know if he does the same to his Dad when he is staying with you? Have you discussed this (if appropriate) with his Dad? Is it possible he’s just getting to the age of being embarrassed by being seen talking to his parents in public?

Have you tried talking to your son to ask him about this behaviour? If you haven’t I would suggest trying but ensure you approach him at the right time and try to keep your emotions out of it. Help him to articulate what he is feeling and where those feelings come from but be aware he might not know or have the right words to explain.

Therapy for kids who have had any type of significant life experience is never a bad thing and although having separated parents is not uncommon it can affect children in many different ways.

Ultimately you need to speak with your son to gather more info and go from there.

Thanks for your reply. We have been separated for 6 years. His father wants to be back with me, but I don’t want that. I know he has made little comments to our son before like ‘Daddy wishes he was allowed to come out with you all’ and asking who he prefers doing things with best. I also think he shows our son how upset that he is on his own, so you’re probably correct in what you said that our son probably blames me for why we’re not together (I left because he cheated on me and generally treated me horribly).

He definitely doesn’t do the same to his dad about me. In fact my other child told me that my son had told his dad that he loves him more than he loves me (I don’t know why they were talking about it or how it came up; my other child just blurted it out to me one day)

It sounds like your son is trying to comfort his Dad by pushing you away. In his mind he might think that his Dad is more ‘deserving’ of his love and attention because you are being seen by him as rejecting your ex so he might feel a need to offer comfort. By rejecting you he’s making his Dad happy (from his view).

Obviously your son is too young to really remember you as a couple and hopefully isn’t fully clued up on why you and your ex split up so it’s easy for him to put the blame on you. From his perspective Dad wants to reconcile and reunite the family and it’s Mummy’s fault that that can’t happen.

It is entirely unfair of your Ex to make these types of comments to your son and for him to encourage him to pick favourites. Your ex is probably really insecure and feels he can’t be entirely bad/in the wrong for the way he treated you if your son thinks he’s the better parent. I would hazard a guess that Dad is also the ‘fun’ parent which also helps skew your child’s view of things.

If you are able to speak to your ex I would ask him to consider the impact his words have on your son. It is unfair to use your son in this way and could be seen as an attempt at starting parental alienation. Make it clear that you don’t want your child to be responsible for his Dad’s emotional wellbeing, he is the grown up and needs to stop projecting on to and leaning on a child. If he’s sad and lonely he needs to talk to another adult, not complain to a 9 year old. He may well want to get back with you but that is not his call to make and is confusing for your son to hear.

He might be sad he can’t do things with you as a family unit but his actions caused that and saying it out loud to a child is manipulative, even if he doesn’t mean for it to be. Instead of saying ‘Daddy wishes he could come’ he should be phrasing it as ‘you’re going to have so much fun, I can’t wait to hear all about it’.

His words and actions are negatively impacting your child and will ultimately affect his emotional development. I doubt either of you want your son to grow up to feel he has to fawn over someone at the expense of his own happiness, this type of learnt behaviour can be really detrimental to how people behave in adult relationships. It may be your ex is not doing this intentionally (I really hope he’s not) but he needs to realise that kids are extremely impressionable and learn how to navigate relationships based on what they are exposed to in early life.

Try talking to your son and explaining that although you and his dad aren’t together (and won’t be getting back together) you both love him equally. That you love him and his sibling the same and that no one has to pick favourites because love isn’t limited. That grown ups get sad too sometimes but it’s not his responsibility to make his Dad feel better.

Is there anyone at school who you could ask to speak to your son about this? Might help him understand/express his feelings/thoughts if he can speak to a non involved adult.

Thanks that’s great advice, I’ll see what the school say. Unfortunately his dad is very difficult to talk to and denies saying the things my children has said that he has said. Hopefully school will be helpful

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like it’s worth approaching your ex about this so school support may be the best route. I know some primary schools offer wellbeing type sessions for children in need of support (for whatever reason), hopefully your son’s school have something like this. Best of luck