Ex husband arrested Trigger Warning

[Debtfreeme]

Just wanted some advice please with no judgment.

my ex husband has been arrested for rape. I know no further details. Only his parents and I know. He is apparently bereft.

i feel absolutely sick to the stomach, I left him due to controlling behaviour but I would never have thought he was capable of this.

do the police conduct safeguarding checks? We have 2 young kids and I do not want him seeing them presently.

why do I pick such idiot men

Anyone? Would I let my kids see him?

An accusation and arrest don't necessarily make him guilty. I don't think anyone can advise you what to do here, you know him better and I assume you will have to talk to him, get as much information as possible and trust your gut.

Ultimately, I wouldn't want to let the kids see him in your shoes, but that's something you'll have to weigh up.

But I will say, be aware that if you do take this route, it can create tension with the children when they're older if they don't know the reason they're kept from seeing him (and I can understand not wanting to tell them until they're older). It's a difficult situation either way.

Do the police conduct a safeguarding check like ask if he has children? Would social services offer any advice?

thanks guys. I have no one to tell

His alleged crime isn’t yours. You saw behaviour that gave you cause to leave him and you have no control or responsibility for what he chooses to do.
I don’t know what action the police could take regarding your children but while investigations are ongoing I think you’re reasonable to say he has supervised access only to your children. His parents could supervise if you trust them 100%. This also protects your ex.
You could contact police to ask for support services if you wish, maybe Victim Support could help you? And you can always phone Social Services for advice, they’ve come across every situation imaginable.

Has he been arrested on suspicion of or actually charged
that will make a difference in terms of safeguarding I would have thought

Just arrested and bailed

There must have been some pretty good evidence for him to have been arrested and charged

For him to be arrested and bailed then They clearly have enough evidence to prove he's done what he's being accused of...maybe ring up your social services and asked for some advise and go from there...but in the mean time I would stop all contact until you find out the full story...it's a hard situation to be in as you don't actually know of this person who's accused him of rape is actually lying..the truth will come out in the end ...hope all gets sorted soon.

If the police had enough evidence, he would have been charged, not bailed. Bail allows more time to gather evidence.
Being arrested on suspicion of rape wouldn’t necessarily mean he is any threat to children

He hasn’t been charged he has been bailed. I dont feel he is a threat but who knows.

such a mess and I just feel sick to the stomach with it

Yes a multi agency assessment will be carried out in terms of the children and their safety

Depends on many variables for instance we have no idea how old the alleged victim is or the circumstances

You have to go with your gut, you know him better than anyone on here. Arrested and bailed means someone made an accusation. It doesn't mean there's any evidence yet whatsoever except a statement from the accuser. We helped my BIL break away from his wife (very rare situation I know). Once she realised it was over she made horrendous accusations to the police. Threats to kill, rape attempted kidnapping and more. He was arrested and bailed but it was all dropped quite quickly by the police. He was actually thousands of miles away when he supposedly put a gun to her head. She had booked her son's tickets to travel abroad and the son had made plans with family and friends over there but she said his father was kidnapping him. The rape accusations left him in an awful place as he said he can't ever prove he didn't. He stayed with us whilst he waited for the police to investigate. They put no restrictions on his travel so he could have left the country and left it behind him but he chose to stay and wait out the investigation even though his life here was miserable as he couldn't work or do anything. I would never have had this man in my house if I for one second doubted his innocence.

I don't think you can assume a person is guilty of anything on the basis of an arrest. People do lie sometimes. So I wouldn't jump to thinking he's a potential abuser to his own children. Especially if there's never been anything previous that gave you cause for concern.
But where your kids are concerned, it's also not wrong to be super cautious and to want a lot more information.
For people falsely accused of crime, especially one like this, it's really stressful, so I'd be wanting my kids to have supervised access because I'd be worried about his state of mind and ability to look after them properly/to keep them safe, as much as anything else.
As the mother of his dc, I think you are entitled to know the full details before you carry on as normal wrt access.
A decent dad would be hurt but would understand why you are cautious

That’s why I said, wouldn’t necessarily mean he’s a threat

When would the assessment take place and would they not have to discuss with me in case he didn’t tell me.

Charging decisions nowadays are made by CPS. Bail is used if necessary to collect more evidence, but even if they don’t need time to gather more evidence they normally bail pending a decision by CPS.

That he has been arrested and bailed tells us almost nothing about how much evidence they have other than that they haven’t ruled him out.

That’s what I was trying to say RawBloomers (less eloquently). It was mainly in response to a pp saying that they have enough to prove he had committed the offence

@Debtfreeme should take place within five days ideally and they do lateral checks with people who are involved with the kids so school, health visitor, any other agencie involved, social worker will likely talk to children alone

Not necessarily. If the victim of the Rape is an adult and there are no children involved in the investigation (eg witnesses) the Police would have no cause or justification to limit any contact with children. If the victim is a child (under 18) you'd likely have been contacted as safeguarding checks would have been done about his access to children and he would have bail conditions limit his access to children - any children - including his own. You would have been referred to Child Social Care and told this had been done if his access to children had been limited by the Police.

You can self refer to your local Child Social Care if you feel you need to.

Victim support would be unlikely to support you as you aren't the reported victim.

I have experience in these kinds of cases.