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Original poster

How do I support this friend

17 replies

thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:01

Hello all

You helped me so much going through DV 6 years ago

Just wanted to please ask again for some guidance

A good friend of 20 years has been in a very abusive relationship for 5 years now

They have two wonderful kids together

He beat her so badly she was hospitalised many times during each pregnancy

The abuse still continues
He will leave
Meet a new woman
Then barge back in

Her lovely son is 4
Beautiful caring boy
His behaviour recently has been out of control
My friend is sending me videos of his outbursts
Asking for help to get him medication ?!!?? Wtaf

I politely have tried to say

This is fcking trauma

This poor boy is acting out after all he has witnessed

She was beaten badly Xmas day
I went to the police to report him
They said she needs a restraining order
She did not look into it
Took him back few days later

How do I not offend her but SPELL out the damage she is doing?
How do I help but not start a huge fight between us?

Please no harsh replies
I'm trying my best to be a friend who can help somehow

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 05/06/2024 23:06

I'd start with trying to get help for the kids, who are the only ones not choosing this for themselves.

I'd report to social services and see what they advise.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:07

KissMyArt · 05/06/2024 23:06

I'd start with trying to get help for the kids, who are the only ones not choosing this for themselves.

I'd report to social services and see what they advise.

I had the phone in my hand to call them today

I can't live with this
She is making such a huge mistake

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 05/06/2024 23:15

Please call them ASAP. Those poor children need to be out of there

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:18

I have warned her so many times
Taken her to women's aid
Called police for her
Got solicitor Invovled

She listens and then
Bam
He's back

Wtf is she doing to these innocent kids
I'm so angry with the videos she takes and sends me

I want to say you are at fault here
But she will block me completely

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:30

What do you think s s could actually do?

Advise her ?

What if she does not listen?

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 05/06/2024 23:40

Well you said He beat her so badly she was hospitalised many times during each pregnancy

So SS will be very much aware I would think.

They probably just need something more solid to go on, so do give them a call.

Worst case scenario is she ends up dead and he gets the kids.

MessyNeate · 05/06/2024 23:43

I'm surprised social services aren't involved already. Call them asap

loropianalover · 05/06/2024 23:45

My concern would lie with the children first. SS and then help her via police and women’s aid again.

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:50

KissMyArt · 05/06/2024 23:40

Well you said He beat her so badly she was hospitalised many times during each pregnancy

So SS will be very much aware I would think.

They probably just need something more solid to go on, so do give them a call.

Worst case scenario is she ends up dead and he gets the kids.

Apologies

That's what I should have put in my o post

I believe she did tell the hospital what happened and they have a duty to tell s s

S s must think the fcker is gone

The fcker is back and at it again

I'm calling in morning
I also have the other hospital reports she sent me
I will read them out to them too

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 05/06/2024 23:51

loropianalover · 05/06/2024 23:45

My concern would lie with the children first. SS and then help her via police and women’s aid again.

Exactly

I was going to be anon on the call

I'm just going to give all the info I have
Full name too

She will never forgive me

But

I won't forgive myself

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 00:24

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 12:52

Long call with SS earlier

They are taking it further again

Thankfully

OP posts:
LaceyLou82 · 06/06/2024 12:54

Well done @thisisasurvivor for being such a wonderful friend. You may be the only hope she and the children have.

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 13:07

you know the old addage.. you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!. unfortunatly no amount of 'telling' her is going to make a difference! she needs to make the decision to end it, before anything will happen.

as a friend you need to be there for her, support her, listen too her, take her backwards and forwards too the hospital if need be, but the one thing you wont be able to do is make her see reason and leave.

and before every one comes at me, i am a DV survivor, and i am horrified that i put my kids through what i did and i've worked really hard since to undo the damage i caused on them.

i say i because i could have stopped it and i didn't so i am as much to blame for my childrens trauma as he is in a way.

I work with DV victims on a daily basis, and if the police are attending as often as you imply, social services will already be well aware of this family as the police have to submit safeguarding forms after every incident.

DV victims become amazing liars, to themselves and to everyone else and the last thing you need is for her and him to go 'underground', keeping their relationship secret from everyone!

The police can slap alsorts on him, Bail conditions, DVPO, restraining orders, but all are useless if she doesn't report him for breaching them. The obvious best thing is for the children to be removed from the situation, so yes they will then be safe, but i suspect the damage is already done and removing them from their mum is just going to add to the trauma and damage... its a no win situation all round

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 13:16

LaceyLou82 · 06/06/2024 12:54

Well done @thisisasurvivor for being such a wonderful friend. You may be the only hope she and the children have.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 13:18

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 13:07

you know the old addage.. you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!. unfortunatly no amount of 'telling' her is going to make a difference! she needs to make the decision to end it, before anything will happen.

as a friend you need to be there for her, support her, listen too her, take her backwards and forwards too the hospital if need be, but the one thing you wont be able to do is make her see reason and leave.

and before every one comes at me, i am a DV survivor, and i am horrified that i put my kids through what i did and i've worked really hard since to undo the damage i caused on them.

i say i because i could have stopped it and i didn't so i am as much to blame for my childrens trauma as he is in a way.

I work with DV victims on a daily basis, and if the police are attending as often as you imply, social services will already be well aware of this family as the police have to submit safeguarding forms after every incident.

DV victims become amazing liars, to themselves and to everyone else and the last thing you need is for her and him to go 'underground', keeping their relationship secret from everyone!

The police can slap alsorts on him, Bail conditions, DVPO, restraining orders, but all are useless if she doesn't report him for breaching them. The obvious best thing is for the children to be removed from the situation, so yes they will then be safe, but i suspect the damage is already done and removing them from their mum is just going to add to the trauma and damage... its a no win situation all round

100 per cent true

It seems she has told The police he has moved away

He will go and come back and start huge rows and kids are stuck bang in the middle

Also a d v survivor so I see why this has all come about m

I'm teapot angry with her today

I know o don't have the right to be
I just am fuming

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 13:30

Not teapot
Just really

Really bloody angry

Silly auto correct

OP posts:
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