I have to put this behind me but how?

[Dryplate]

I've posted before about how my main friendship group abandoned me when DH died (within days, I didn't even have any contact in the days leading up to the funreral) and how they've gossiped and been quite unkind about some new friendships I've made and my attempts to carry on with life.

They're obviously no real loss, but not all the things I'veve been through over the last few years, DH's illness and terminal diagnosis, long periods when he was in hospital during Covid and we couldn't see him, then nursing at home, bed bound for months until he died, my Dad's cancer diagnosis a few weeks later, both DSs with MH issues, including a period when DS2 was missing, it's the way these friends have behaved that I can't think or talk about without crying.

They've known DSs since they were babies but have never offered them any support or even been in touch to see how they're doing. DH really thought they'd be the ones who'd always be there to look out for us and not only have they not been that , they've tried to sabotage the good things I do have. They'd say it's because I haven't behaved appropriately (I've dared to be seen with male friends, but haven't had an romantic or sexual relationships, not that it would be any of theirbbusiness if I had. They also disapprove of how I've spent "his" money).

Anyway, I obviously can't change how they are and wouldn't want to now anyway, but I have to get over this. What do I do?

I remember your previous thread. It's so tough and you've been through so much it beggars belief that these "friends" feel they can assume some kind of moral authority over your life.

Women are 'policed' very tightly in our society over many things (particularly by other women), one of which being our behaviour when widowed. Man is widowed, nobody bats an eye lid when he's shacked up within 6 months. He deserves happiness after all he's been through. Woman is widowed and if she so much as has a night out where she's seen enjoying herself, or looks sideways at a man within 5 years of bereavement then she's a disgrace and disrespecting her late husband's memory. Twas ever thus. My mother went through it 55 years ago and a good friend of mine went through it 7 years ago.

I can understand how this must be so painful. You valued their friendship and their rejection must make you feel very judged and misrepresented. Not sure what you can do other than cut them out completely. Forget they ever existed and focus on the future.

My friend is a member of Widowed and Young (WAY) Perhaps this is something you could look into as a way to make friends who understand your situation?

I think what hurts me most is that I know DH would be proud of my attempts to build a new life and support DC. He would be really furious upset to see the way they've behaved towards me.

It's hard to ignore them completely because we live in a fairly small community and still have lots of overlapping friends and aquaintances, I still see them at events fairly regularly, they even had the nerve to attend one I organised (for a club where we're all members) and then ignore me the whole time.

It’s what everyone says, but therapy, with a good therapist. Only talking it through in detail with someone asking intelligent questions and offering perspectives on why it is this specific thing you’re finding most unbearable when you’ve had such a terrible time in multiple ways, will help you come to terms with it. It’s possible a good somatic therapist might be good for helping you process trauma. I’m about to start EMDR.

I think you sound entirely admirable, incidentally. Don’t let anyone make you ashamed of living your life after being widowed.

I was just going to post similarly.

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have a space to talk over and yes grieve the loss of what you thought we’re friends who you and your dh thought would and should have held you through this but instead stamped on you at your most vulnerable.

it will also help to build strategies to cope with the current situations as this isn’t in your past. It’s still happening because you have to see them, they are still in the periphery of your life.
this might also be a reason why it’s hard to put it behind you because actually they are triggering it over and over.

im really very sorry that this happened to you on top of everything else that life threw at you.

These were fair weather friends, who were only interested when you were fun. a dying husband is not fun, grieving wife and children, not fun.

But as known long term friends abandoning you they know that other people will judge them for their shoddy behaviour so they go on the defensive… well dryplate has abandoned her dc by have male friends (she must have been like this before and we didn’t know) she’s going out and leaving her children (much worse than us doing it).

it’s not you it’s them. You have done nothing wrong.

You cannot change other people, in any way , only your reaction to them.

maybe sit down and make a list of all of their shit behaviour , write a letter to them explaining what they did, how you felt. How their ongoing behaviour of blaming you when actually it’s them makes you feel. Get angry with them rather than internalising their shame. I wouldn’t send it but it may help you see how truly awful they are.

you may need some counselling, you lost your dh and friends in one fell swoop. It’s a lot!

women are taught by society to accept all the shit that others throw so a small emotional part of you may be doing that even though logically you know it’s not true.

you need to acknowledge you didn’t loose good friends, the garbage took itself out.

you have made great friends now op, and you should be proud of yourself , you already know your dh would be and that’s all that matters

Oh and in a small community they will double down and go to events that you have organised or people will talk about them not being there and why… the truth might come out!

I also agree with the counselling, but with the comment that it can take a few tries to find one you gel with.

I also recommend reading around self development. I’ve not been in your shoes but I have recently been in situations that have made it difficult to trust people and not be cynical. Looking into strengthening my boundaries moving forward has helped, not because I blame myself (or you, in your situation) but because taking control of something for myself is, I’m finding, really good for building myself back up.

I am also currently reading ‘Quit’ by Annie Duke which is about walking away (or learning how to process others walking away) from a variety of situations and framing it in a positive way whilst also understanding snd accepting it has happened.

Be easy with yourself. It takes time.

OP, first of all I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, it is absolutely devastating to go through that, so to lose the support of your friends in addition is unthinkable. May I ask, do you have any support from other widows? I say this because there are certain charities that can be really helpful. If you were aged 50 or under when your husband died, you are eligible to join WAY (Widowed and Young). It's a charity and essentially a peer-to-peer support group where you will find a safe space to vent, get advice and hear stories from people who have been through similar. Or if you were over 50, then there is one called The Good Grief Trust (I'm afraid I know less about that one, but wanted to cover all bases).

It's a horrible shock to find out that people who you considered friends would let you down so badly at a time when you really needed them 😔 I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. Well done for trying your best to get on with life and I'm sure your DH would be pleased that you are. Have you tried connecting online with young Widows groups? You could find some support there. And are you having any grief counselling? I hope you can move past these awful people treating you badly and find a good support network elsewhere 💐

could you move away?

It's unbelievable how people that you have been friends with and trusted can turn on you when you are at your lowest, talk about kicking you when you're down.
I think they've wanted you to be unhappy for the rest of your life and don't like it that you are having any life, especially with a man friend, they're unhappy that you seem happy.
They have shown their true colours, nasty, spiteful, narrow minded busy bodies.
I would carry on living your life the best that you can, ignore these disgusting people, don't react to them, treat them like they don't exist.
You are well out of it.

You're right to move on. Also, there are no rules anywhere about when you can date after the death of a spouse. It's just an individual decision.