If you’re efficient

[Hootypooty]

How do you do it?

Could you explain how you move through tasks without becoming overwhelmed please.

I am useless. There are so many things I need to do. Big things like picking a new car, sorting out a house renovation, but also small things like replacing a phone case or buying a birthday present.

I research the thing I need, get overwhelmed with choices and prices then after I think I’ve made my mind up I lose confidence in my choice and don’t make it happen. Then the cycle continues where more and more things get added to the list, but nothing gets done.

I watch in awe as other women I know move efficiently from task to task, making decisions and getting things done. If this is you can you tell me how? Thank you.

I get you op. I am often like that but I know I can be efficient too.
I have minimal amount of shoes and clothes because I actually can't decide what I like. I end up replacing stuff when it becomes necessary as I need to feel pressured to make a decision.
Things like phone covers gets replaced when the current one is damaged or really scruffy.
Same as cleaning. If I know someone is coming over, my house will be clean in no time. Generally day to day, I put on music or a podcast and get things done.
I just accept that I have to get things done and then do it.
Sometimes I have lulls and sometimes I have these bursts where I can get loads done. I really take advantage of those and catch up with a ton of stuff.

@Bringbackthebeaver I think you’re right. I am critical of my own mistakes so avoid committing a choice.

@BrightNewLife thank you I’ll have a look at those books. I need to eat the frog!

@GalacticalFarce I’m exactly the same.

A bit random, but is it worse at some times than others? I've realised that in the run up to my period, even though I often don't notice the usual PMT signs, I'm far less productive / efficient, and then for a few days afterwards I'm almost in hyperdrive, I make decisions, buy things I've been dithering about etc. I'm sure there's a book about syncing your tasks to where you are in your cycle but I can't remember who wrote it, I'll try and find it.

The thing I try and remember is some advice given to a friends mum after a heart attack 'when you are worrying about something, just think is it going to matter a week from now? A month? A year?'. The answer a lot of the time is no!

Get off your arse and off your phone

(Says she on her phone...)

A car is one of the biggest purchases you'll make so it's perfectly justified to spend weeks researching.
A phone case, probably not.

I read somewhere that the most efficient people are lazy people because they find the shortest route through everything.

l think I’m one of those people. I get things done fast and on time because lm good at finding short cuts.

l also never let things hang over my head and make decisions quickly and stick to them.

l don’t use apps/or diaries. I only record medical appts on a calendar. I carry everything else in my head.

Bullet Journal - look it up. You can make your own in any ordinary book. Helps you sort your tasks by year/month/ day. So on a given day you focus on a short list (mix of urgent and large tasks) and the rest doesn't overwhelm you.

Your DH is painful. His criticism is the cause of your decision anxiety. He needs to either make the decision or live with what you decide.

I've started to value my time and stress levels more and outsource as much as I can. Sometimes that involves just going to a shop and asking the questions. For example recently we needed a new washing machine. I could have spent hours researching but instead went to a reputable electrical store, went through their options within my budget and bought one. Yes i had to leave the house and put the time into the trip but on balance I spent a lot less time and less stress than if I had researched online. Same with a new car, I went to a good dealer and sat down to have a chat. Two meetings in and the deal was done. Likewise I'd use a travel agent or insurance broker or basically any middle man who alleviates pressure. I think as a society we have cut a lot of these roles but they have a value, especially for someone who gets overwhelmed by choice.

I’m old and have learned that there is so much choice around that there are many equally good options and any choice you make will be a good one. Even big things like cars or new mobile phones - you could choose anything from your long list and it will be great.

For bigger jobs I need to break them down into smaller tasks, old school, using paper and pen.

Can we go back to the husband /perfectionist comment.

I was married to a ‘perfectionist’ but actually it definitely slipped into abuse. (Hence ‘was married’)

Criticising people for small decisions from years ago is absolutely abnormal and does shove the other person into an escalating cycle of overthinking/paralysis to the point where the decision becomes “Which choice will minimize the likelihood of him having a go” rather than any criteria you might have yourself. What perhaps you haven’t realised is that the dynamic is either deliberate or instinctive. He won’t be able to say what is correct until you have picked a course of action which instantly is confirmed as the wrong choice.

"DH is a perfectionist which adds to the problem. He still moans about things we did in the house years ago."

Tell him to get on with it!

The reality is most people would change things, or think that they should have done things differently, but they get on with it. There's nothing to be gained from dwelling on and agonising about things that are done.

Are you really big into cars? They're a means of getting from A to B for me so the novelty of a new car wears off pretty quickly. I just tend to go with the best option for my budget in terms of size and fuel economy, I would consider mileage if second hand too.

Do I like it, do I need it, and can I afford it? - that's my decision making process.

Boring life admin stuff - set aside half an hour and crack on with it.

Overthinking is crippling and what's the worse that can happen if you don't like a phone case?

I’m efficient because deep down I’m very lazy and also quite selfish and like to do what I want to do. So all the shitwork as I call it is attacked by me. I also do not care what others think of me.

There is also the mental load as it’s called where typically women shoulder stuff. Now I’m not disagreeing and many end up arranging all children’s stuff and planning meals etc. So those are actual chores on their tick list which I’m not disputing but what I find is I don’t worry about it, I just do it. But that’s personality, I am retired early now. When I was working I remember joking to my colleagues about the multiple notes they had all over their desks, I could keep it all in my head with no difficulty. The only list I kept on my desk was one with a spicy title and the names of colleagues who I was waiting for stuff from and that stuff was overdue. It was not a complimentary title and used to make people laugh and more sensitive ones ask was I not worried about being sacked.

DS came home having been to a friends house, the Mum had a list on her fridge with what was for dinner each day. That requires effort and thought plus if you rigidly stick to that you may not have an ingredient and need to go and buy it. I buy a lot of fresh ingredients. I’m a confident cook and make stuff up as I go along, my Father ran a restaurant and taught me how to cook.

My friend is a rigid perfectionist, we have known each other for 35 years. She never has any time because she polishes her already clean skirting boards a couple of times a week. She really worries about what people think of her , always beautifully groomed and a perfect house, she isn’t happy at all unfortunately because she has these horrendously high standards.

As I used to say at work, we are not nurses so our decisions don’t kill anyone so stop worrying about stuff.

Either decision fatigue or lack of confidence

if it’s the latter then try small things to push yourself - walk a different route, have something new to eat in a cafe where you always have the same, whatever. Small things every day that alter your routine. It’s so so easy for routine to slip into anxiety around moving out of that routine.

if the former then are there things you can automate so you don’t have to be constantly decision making (I know this sounds like it contradicts the first but it’s about mental load and working memory).
put to dos on a list so they’re out of your head and you don’t feel like you’re processing them all the time which is exhausting. Set deadlines. If you’re really struggling do a risk analysis - worst thing that could happen / outcome of it / risk out of 5 of that actually happening
eg buy a car that I hate driving / I’d have to sell and start again so would lose some money / 2 because I’ve done research and done a test drive

This is me.

Writing things down is so time consuming. I made a decision about age 35 not to do it anymore.

I do things fast and get them out of the way. I think this is why l don’t need lists. There’s never enough to list.

Thank you, talking about this is helping me understand myself and why I don’t make bigger decisions or start challenging projects.

@Coaltodiamonds absolutely agree hormones have a big effect on my confidence. Early peri menopause is not helping the situation and has caused anxiety to creep in.

@AlbertVille sorry your ex was abusive. DH’s attitude is a factor in my lack of decision making as it makes life easier to not have to discuss and possibly disagree about things. I’m sensitive to criticism rather than him being overly critical. He might moan a couple of times a year about something, but I take it to heart and see it as a massive failure on my judgement. I should say in general he is a good supportive partner.