Cant cope much more

[Bluebirthdaycard]

I'm venting on here as I can't speak to anyone about how I'm feeling. I basically want to check out - my jobs killing me because I have to get up at 2.40am and have been since 2015 but I have to be available in the day for my ds travel to work, college and gf. He's 17 and had a couple of driving lessons but has given up saying he's not ready, he's been getting the bus more but I'm still doing the lions share of lifts. (We're semi rural). I also have a 13 year old DD but she has transport to school but I know I've got all this to come again. Im in a useless relationship with their father but can't get out as it's his house and he has all the money. Both his mother and my own are draining me. The neighbours are crap. I can't sleep. People I thought were friends arent. I've always tried to think there's something better on the horizon but there never is. I had a five year plan, to coincide with my cremation plan that I'm paying for (I'm even doing that as 1. To make sure no one's burdened with any cost and 2. Knowing that noone would come to a funeral anyway) that I'm only a year and half into but the thought of having to go on another 3 1/2 years is too long. If this is read, I imagine they'll be a few eye rolls but I don't know what to do anymore (apart from the inevitable).

That sounds v tough. Is there no chance you could get a different type of job where you don't work through half the night?

That sounds awful @Bluebirthdaycard . How much sleep are you getting? Chronic shortness of sleep will affect your mood very badly.

You sound very depressed and it would be a good idea to see your GP. And the Samaritans are always there if you just need to talk to someone.

There’s a feeling from your post of just running yourself on empty to do what other people need. I think it’s important to remember that you have worth too, and deserve to feel supported and have the conditions (such as enough sleep) to feel ok. I’m not saying it’s simple to improve things, if it was you already would have, but perhaps knowing that you have the right to, is a start.

Do you have a life limiting illness that has made you take out that plan?

You need to start planning a life that you can actually live rather than one that is killing you. You need to take responsibility for this, no one else can live your life for you. You can’t expect others to not overburden you, you have to tell them what your limits are. Right now your son needs to work out his own transport and you need to change jobs. Tell him he has to start riding a bike. You can still love him and support him but you physically can’t keep driving him.

I have to be available during the day to take DS to college, work and gf. Where we live has one bad bus service(every 2 hours I think) and him cycling is out of the question because of the awful A road. I understand he's nervous regarding driving but it puts me under the pressure and not even being able to even look for another job.

No, it's just a cremation plan I'm paying off over 5 years. I don't want to be a financial burden in death and don't think anyone would bother turning up for a funeral, so thought it was a good idea.

You sound very depressed. Planning the end of your life like that isn't something that's normal at your age.

I think you could probably do with seeking some help from your doctor about that.

It's not sustainable that you have to work all night so that you can taxi your son around. you say he has got the bus in the past. Why can't he get it whenever he wants to go out? It's just crazy that you are having to drive him everywhere.

Read your message again .You have to be available to take your adult DS to college and to his girlfriends. Why can’t the girlfriend come to him and it’s hardly vital daily ? Your health is more important than their his need in this case. You will be ill physically,you are already really suffering with your mental health. Please see sense your son would absolutely not want to lose you.

It's quite hard to explain but where we live the bus service is shocking (every 2 hours) but the bus service from where his gf lives is better, so when he's there he tries to get the bus either to work or the train station. It doesn't help that the buses don't run much after 6 - 7pm and he works until 9.30 on a Friday night and I pick him up, drop him at gf and don't get home until 10. I'm then up at 2.40 on a Saturday morning. Dps not once offered to pick him up on a Friday even though he's finished work for the week. (Because Friday nights are his downtime).

OP please get some help and put yourself first. He is 17 it is it,e he started figuring these things out himself and you put yourself first

could you move out of the house and get your own one for example - leave your partner

I don't think he wants her staying here (embarrassed maybe, he has a quite small room with a single bed) he stays over quite a lot and thats why he's started to get the bus a bit more fron hers which is a help. Tbh, it's only the thought I know he'd be quite stuffed without my help that's keeping me from doing something harmful.

Right you are struggling this is not fair on you

DH needs to pull his weight. Sit him down and tell him be assertive and polite but you have to

DS needs to be told tough cookies about driving he either learns to drive or his gf comes to him the taxi service duel is empty

You need to find a new job a 9-5 somewhere preferably somewhere with other people so you can make some friends

You need to make some friends. Join a walking club , art class whatever you like. To be honest you just need to get the ball rolling fin a six week yoga class to start or something like this

You need to orcrice self care. Get some lavender for your house, some face masks, get your hair done and do your nails (clear nail varnish is perfect if you don't like having your nails done)

Get to your GP asap you need to speak to one about how your feeling

Go on YouTube and practice mindfulness. Could try yoga/pilates from you tube in your home

Starts having the food shop delivered if this is stressful

You can do this

Im in a useless relationship with their father but can't get out as it's his house and he has all the money.

@Bluebirthdaycard , you need to focus on the above instead of paying for your cremation!

This situation is not going to improve unless you do something about it. I assume you're not married? You cannot waste the rest of your life in this 'useless relationship', without money of your own.

You need a plan. Can you get a better job and find a rental of your own? Let him do the parenting - the little that is left, seeing that your children are nearly grown up. Your son is months away from being an adult and needs to learn to look after himself.

It's time to prioritize yourself - before you burn out completely. (Your hints at ending it all are concerning...)

This is another reason I need to change jobs because on what I'm earning at the moment I can't even afford a rental.

Do you have somewhere you could go to stay for a break? Your parents? Siblings? You need to remove yourself from the whole situation for a break and seek some help! Maybe get signed off work if that's feasible and start looking for a different job with normal hours! You are a partner and a mum not a skivvy!! You said DS works, let him pay for taxis like a real grown up if he's not prepared to learn to drive and get his own independence!

And please, please, please do not contemplate carry out your thoughts of 'checking out'! My partner checked out 18 months ago and believe me when I tell you it is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life! 18 months later and I am still not in a great place. Get some help and a break! 🙏

I'm very sorry about your partner, I hope you start to heal soon🌹

Do you have somewhere you could go to stay for a break? Your parents? Siblings? You need to remove yourself from the whole situation for a break and seek some help!

You are currently living out in the sticks, without decent public transport and, presumably, limited employment opportunities. Can you find a way of moving to a town or city where you can hopefully get back on your feet?

You are very vulnerable where you are. Your useless partner could decide, at any time that suits him, to 'let you go'. And you'd be up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

You need a plan. If you consider your options and lay them out here, helpful Mumsnetters can brainstorm and hopefully help you get out of this mess.

But this will only work if you prioritize yourself.

Oh sweetheart you sound as tho you have curled yourself up in the smallest ball in the darkest room :(
Please seek professional help - get yourself signed off from work & on sickness benefit. At the moment there is an overwhelming tiredness which you can’t see a way through. Use the time out to heal and get back the best version of you 💕

@Bluebirthdaycard you are running yourself ragged. I think you have to say to DS ‘so sorry, just can’t run you about on Fridays anymore, it’s killing me with work next morning’. Let him ask his Dad. He (ds) might grumble but he will realise it is not fair as things stand. You will also be modelling how to treat his girlfriend/how his kids will treat their Mum in future. Just stop doing these things and they will have to work out alternative arrangements or do something else. You need a break and to take care of yourself.