Starting therapy: how should I go about it?

[KateMiskin]

I am starting CBT therapy shortly. I have had a very hard few years- ill health, financial stuff, friends drifting away-and am struggling through peri-menopause. I have had a bit of therapy in the past, but it never worked for me for various reasons, mostly because i struggled with telling my innermost thoughts to a stranger, and also felt my therapist was cold and not really interested ( pandemic times when everybody was struggling).

How can I do better this time? I am very lucky to be able to get some private therapy on my health insurance.

Clearly should have put this in AIBU!

Sorry you've had no replies. I think the best advice is to go in with an open mind, don't expect it to be an easy or a fun process necessarily, often with therapy things get worse before they get better as difficult thoughts and feelings get surfaced, but also if you really feel you are not gelling with your therapist do see if it's possible to swap to someone else?

It's interesting that it's CBT you are going for, is that your choice out of interest or what was on offer through your insurance? CBT can be really great but it's not what everyone expects or has a stereotypical view that 'therapy' will be like, CBT is a very particular methodology which is quite practically focused, almost like retraining your brain through very specific exercises/ways of thinking to be able to cope better with specific challenges. Yes you do need to be open and reflective about your feelings for it to work but it doesn't tend to involve a lot of deep emotional pondering on your childhood or past relationships or whatever. Just wondering whether if it's CBT you've had in the past that might possibly account for your feeling of lack of emotional warmth from the therapist? Does your insurance cover other kinds of therapy too (e.g. person-centred therapy) as if so it might be worth exploring a number of different types to find what really is going to address your needs and expectations?

Thanks @maxelly that's useful. I think I didn't gel with the previous therapist because it was all seems to cover CBT. online, and I struggle to bond online ( Can manage for work but not otherwise). Unfortunately, my insurance only covers CBT.

I do think I need to retrain my brain, so will give this a good try.

This may not necessarily work well given it sounds like you are quite structured in terms of how you can access support. But when I did therapy, I searched on BACP (or insert whatever source you have for choosing a therapist) and found people who looked and sounded like what I had in mind - did they look friendly, did their blurb fit what I felt like I was looking for, did they have experience in issues that I felt I was dealing with. Then I had an introductory call with each of them and then chose the one I felt I connected with the best.

Not all therapists will be right for each person. You need to find the one who is right for you. You have to connect with them and feel comfortable.

I know lots of people are moving to online work now, but I would also push to see if you can identify someone who still does in-person sessions. I have done a bit of online coaching, but my actual therapy was face to face (during COVID too). I did prefer it face to face in a lot of ways, if nothing else, it means that your sessions are separate from your home life - you aren't hiding in your bedroom trying to open up about something with partner, kids, dog, whatever, crashing around on the other side of the wall. It also meant that driving there and back, I had time to decompress a bit and process what was said.

On another point, I also think there is something to be said for giving yourself space outside of therapy to process. So yes, maybe it's on the drive there/back, but even if online, can you go and take a walk/run/swim/hike/whatever to give you some headspace before and/or after? Or during the week in between? Can you do some journaling or reflection ('homework' if you like) that means you can think about some of the issues raised, what you need from the sessions, etc.

Really though I think it's about finding a therapist who is good at what they do and you connect with. I had one who was excellent and really got me and was what I needed. The other one was a bit weird and off in left field somewhere with her crystals, and was not really what I needed.