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Emotional abuse, how do you escape the cycle?

3 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 02/06/2024 11:58

My mum is stuck in a cycle with a man who definitely has some sort of personality disorder but no idea what. She has been with him 20 years so whenever she is near to ending the cycle it just starts over.
he has gotten a lot worse in the last 5 years. Some of the things he does which she seems to think is normal?
when she wants to see family (her mum, sister, sons, me her daughter, grandchildren etc) he is emotionally abusive, he swears at her, puts her family down, calls them all sorts of names, he will complain every time he has to see us and make it hard for her. I must add she is long term ill and so struggles with daily tasks such as driving. So he does most of the driving which is about the only good thing he does so it seems.
if she wants to buy something for someone he was have a go at her, even if she wanted to buy something for her grandchildren. He will go on and on at her making her feel bad. If she wants to take them out for the day, he will say no and again just be awful. I don’t see it all but I see quite a lot of his emotional abuse. I can see clear in his eyes he can’t stand her but he loves to control her life.
growing up he was my step dad you could say but he never supported us, in fact he made sure that she didn’t have one of her sons living with us so she lost one of her sons because of him meaning we were split us as siblings which has life long effects.
he can be physically abusive but in a tactical way, like shoving her, if she was to ever play tickle him he would punch her in the arm hard, her grandchild has seen him hurt her wrist.
whenever she comes to leave however he puts the water works on, he is so beyond sly I can’t understand why he is like this. He’ll say he loves her, but if you love someone why would you ever treat them this way?
he will act nicey nicey when with us but when he’s not with us he’s horrible about us all. He even pushed my partner through a wall and tried to laugh it off as funny but it’s clearly not funny. He puts everyone around him down, he calls her horrible names and is always pulling her apart for her looks. He does not look after himself at all he doesn’t even have basic hygiene, she used to have to beg gim to shower or brush his teeth but she’s given up with that now.
has anyone dealt with a person like this before?
does the cycle ever end? How can I help my mum? She does realise sometimes but then as quickly as she’s realised the reality she goes back into her comforts of being abused by him. He’s very tactical about his ways so you wouldn’t even think he is like that. But it is emotional abuse I think.
there is so much I have missed of course but I don’t even know where to start.

OP posts:
haddockfortea · 03/06/2024 00:10

This isn't just emotional abuse, is it? It is physical too, and he's financially abusive, actively separating her from family and friends, and exerting coercive control over her. Him driving isn't as good a thing as it might look - because basically she's not allowed to go anywhere on her own.

How old are they both, and do they own a home together?

haddockfortea · 03/06/2024 00:19

Perhaps you could contact Women's Aid on her behalf, and ask for their advice. Tell them everything you have said on here, and anything else you can think of. Don't hold back.

tosleeptodream · 11/07/2024 12:59

The cycle ends when she decides to end it. There's no other way. Although she won't realize the power and ability she has, to make this change.

She needs to want to make changes in her life.

Even if it's something like accepting they're incompatible because she wants to be with someone who showers and cleans their teeth and he doesn't want to do these things. That alone is enough reason to break off a relationship.

Same goes for things like accepting that whilst we all have opinions on how other people look, polite people don't voice those opinions. So it's not about whether he's right and she's ugly or not, or whether she makes enough effort or not, or whether anybody else would find her attractive or if she'd be single forever. It's about whether she wants to be with someone who lacks basic manners and says rude things.

It's accepting relationship should be about kindness, so it doesn't matter if they have a different "sense of humour" (we know it's abuse but she can't see it) and thinks pushing people is funny. It's about telling someone that being pushed hurts, so if that person loves you why would they do something to hurt you? Even if the reason you're hurt is because you're "too sensitive" (or whatever bullshit he tells her). That becomes irrelevant because regardless of why it hurts, why would a person do something to deliberately hurt the person they love? It's not an accidental thing when she's already told him it hurts her, he can't then claim he didn't realize or didn't mean it. If someone does that it means they're not a nice person and don't love her. Does she believe it's ok to hurt people at all? Especially people you love? Does she believe nice people do this? No? But he does think it's ok. So they don't share the same values then. It's another fundamental incompatibility.

These are the conversations to have to start to make her see sense.

She needs solo therapy (definitely not couples therapy) with someone who isn't focussed on keeping families together. She needs to be involved with women's welfare charities, to be around people who will say hold up, that's not ok behaviour, that's not right, you shouldn't be treated like that nobody should (it's not enough to say I wouldn't put up with it, she's not you and she has been trained to put up with it). So she can literally see there's another way, because she's meeting people who are living it and how people can thrive when they're away from the toxic situation, hear them say they've experienced same as her and tried everything but the only thing that made it stop was leaving the relationship. Somewhere she can learn about the cycle of abuse and start to recognise that she's in it.

Unless she has a sudden realisation one day that anything is better than what she currently has and leaves for that reason, even if it might mean she starves homeless and friendless in the gutter (or whatever he's been saying), then slowly opening her eyes to it is the only way.

Think of it as sort of being addicted to drama. That's her comfort zone, her "normal". She doesn't want to step into the unknown, it seems easier to stay in denial and tell herself everything is fine. Like any addict she's not going to change because someone else wants her to (although obviously she's changed for him, to avoid his punishments as much as possible, even if she doesn't realize any of that). She has to want to change for herself, she has to be ready for change and strong enough to go through with it (cut him out so he can't wheedle his way back into her life and so her head can clear and she can start to heal). Many people never are ready. Many try and fail and return to the abusive relationship multiple times, before achieving the success of escaping for good.

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