DS possible autism causing problems

[Hazzapots]

We have a 3yo who we have been told is likely to have asd. Up until a few months ago, he had no words, couldn’t understand simple instructions and couldn’t point. Now he can do these things but still isn’t where he should be for someone his age. I am so proud of what he’s achieved so far, I never thought he’d be able to do the things he can.

He attends a private nursery 15 hours an week and I am working with the senco there who is trying to get him a ehcp ready for when he starts reception. I wanted him to go to a school nursery (his brother is in year 3 at that school) but was told by the senco there that they don’t think he’d cope there just yet but they’d happily take him in reception due to the process he’s making. The senco at his current nursery thinks he’d be better off at a specialist school though.

The problem is, whenever I try to discuss things with DP he shuts me down straight away. He says that it seems I want DS to have asd🤔 which is just completely and utterly untrue of course. If that were true I wouldn’t have days where I cry and would do anything for things to be different.

He’s probably in denial but the whole process of DS lack of development has been going on since he was 18 months old so there’s been plenty of time for him to get his head around things. I think I was in denial too at the beginning (and still have wobbles) but I have accepted that things are the way they are now.

Another thing is DS gets dla and I get carers allowance for him. When we were accepted for this he went mad saying he doesn’t need it and that I am “milking” things. The money we receive for DS is a god send and has helped us all out in so many ways. I won’t get into the ins and outs of all things but I do struggle massively with him. I have days where I think I can’t do this anymore. He thinks that me getting carers allowance is “bullshit” and that I’m not doing anything different than any other mum.

The thing is I don’t think he fully understands what I go through on a daily basis. He works full time, goes out twice during the week to the gym and then is out all day every Saturday playing football. He’s currently out right now watching his friend play football.

All these comments and lack of support are making me resent him. Sorry for the long post

Just to add, I am also upset by the way things are and it hasn’t been easy for me to accept either but I wouldn’t act like this towards him

And last year he said it was my fault because I was over weight when I was pregnant with him

“And last year he said it was my fault because I was over weight when I was pregnant with him”

I could never ever forgive this

He is a dick and you sound like you are doing an amazing job a child with suspected ND is hard work… I’m right alongside you so I get it

Your DH could be grieving the child he didnt get. It can be very hard to come to terms with having a child with a disability - not everyone is positive about it.
I would suggest that you both sit down together and discuss openly how each of you feel. You’re both going to need support moving forward.

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas thank you🙂

@Soontobe60 I do get that and I also feel like that but I just show it in a different way. I’d love nothing more than to be able to sit down with him and discuss it like adults but he seems incapable of doing so. Hopefully he’ll come round soon

My 4 year old nephew started mainstream school nursery this January (mornings). He’s completely non-verbal, sensory seeking, and has no concept of danger but is doing brilliantly with 1-2-1 support and starting to mimic other children. So don’t write off the mainstream school just yet.

My first suggestion was going to be that you need to get your DH to see more of your son’s peers. That’s how I got through to mine that ours was “different”. And then had to work on “different is ok, this work is to support him not to other him”. So play dates, make him come to parties, whatever.

But frankly with the overweight line I want to go in another direction and say: is this how he normally treats you? Because if so, that is absolutely unacceptable and you need to consider the relationship.

When do you get out? Why is he watching a friend play football when he could be at home playing with his child?
As for the overweight remark do you really want this despicable man around your child?

If the professionals who have contact with your child recommend special school provision I would work towards that.y understanding of the UK process is learners can transfer to mainstream but very unlikely in the other direction.

Your DH comment is horrific. I would seek counselling for both of you because you will both need support and resources for the road ahead.

Usually the other way around. Start in mainstream and special school if that doesn’t work.

@SneezedToothOut our family experience differs. In Reading both children encouraged to attend mainstream. Family constantly told they weren't managing, even with 2-1 support.

Eventually after three years of children not learning a single thing family relocated to Ireland with place in special school. It took about four years to bring the children back up to their potential.

I guess it is location specific.

Your husband sounds like a massive prick.

Regarding your son, not sure if your local authority is different but in mine it's a hard fight to get them to agree to specialist provision, so it might be the case you have no option except mainstream anyway. I think key is understanding if the school have the right environment for him, and getting a good solid ehcp, so often they are not very effective you need to make sure the provision is really specific.

I'm sorry you're husband is so unsupportive it sounds like a lot of denial.

Ireland isn’t in the UK so I can’t speak for their system. Am well aware of approaches in England and Wales (which your experience confirms).

Places in special school are extremely expensive so of course local authorities want to make sure those who can cope in mainstream are put there.

I'm so sorry, your husband sounds awful, an ignorant, unsupportive, nasty pig. You sound like a great mum doing everything you can.

My DD started in mainstream and transferred to special school in year 3. We know lots of kids who’ve done this but none who’ve moved in the other direction.

If you think your son needs special school I would pursue this as soon as you can. In my LA there are only 2 SLD schools and one of them only took on one reception starter this academic year. There is such lack of provision that if your child doesn't get a space at the start of their school career it will be very difficult to get one in later years as all the places get filled so quickly. When is he due to start? Next September or 2026? Don't be fobbed off by the LA encouraging you to try mainstream first unless you genuinely believe this is right for him.

As for your husband, has he always had so much family free time? It sounds very unbalanced. It's not surprising he doesn't fully understand your child's difficulties when he spends so little time with him.