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Life is a nightmare.

22 replies

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 09:44

My life has been a fuck up for years. Its been extremely stressful and upsetting. It's proper fucked me up. Because of the amount of shit that's gone on for years . I have had to deal with it completely on my owm without any true support. I don't have any friends or people I can talk to in real life. So I have spent alot of my time on MN I guess plastering my life all over it. Because I have no one to talk to . Apprently I'm easily recognised because of how I write . Sometimes I think how can I change that so I cam hide a little. But I would not be able to keep it up.

I have had some lovely support on here I really have . But i have also had comments like chaotic life style, attention seeking , her poor kids. . I'm not sure if its to be unkind or if it's that people just don't understand . But as I say most people have been lovely

I do sometimes wounder if some people fully understand how things work. You get things like get some counselling , get CAMHS involved. Social worker etc.. general counselling is not easy to get there are very long waiting lists . CAMHS people think you can just contact them say how hard things are and your child will be seen sooner. That's notv he case. It took something ver drastic for my sin to be seen.

Generally things have started to get better. Kind of there still a bit of a rope being walked I'm extremely worried about dd and gs. I lay in bed thinking what if she makes a bad decision. And the impact test will have. Then I can't sleep for hours and if I do sleep i have dreams that something bad happens. I find it hard to believe life could become kind of normal.

Anyway I just thought if I write out what's on my mind. I may be able to shake it off a little.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 02/06/2024 10:14

I don't recognise your writing style, so I have no pre-conceptions about you.

From your post, it sounds as though your life is moving forward. Small steps is a good thing. And reflecting on the past is too.

It sounds as though your DD is having difficulties, which naturally worry you. It's great that she has a caring mum.

But if I were you, I'd put most of my focus on getting your own situation on an even keel rather than expending too much energy on 'what if'.

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 10:26

Gazelda · 02/06/2024 10:14

I don't recognise your writing style, so I have no pre-conceptions about you.

From your post, it sounds as though your life is moving forward. Small steps is a good thing. And reflecting on the past is too.

It sounds as though your DD is having difficulties, which naturally worry you. It's great that she has a caring mum.

But if I were you, I'd put most of my focus on getting your own situation on an even keel rather than expending too much energy on 'what if'.

Dd situation has a massive knock on effect. But yeah I could think all day long what if so I'm trying to move away from thinking like that . Thank you

OP posts:
ssd · 02/06/2024 10:37

Its a true saying "you're only as happy as your least happy child"

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 10:39

ssd · 02/06/2024 10:37

Its a true saying "you're only as happy as your least happy child"

Never heard of that before. But it does make sense.

OP posts:
Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 11:40

I feel like memories of good times are fading because it's been such a long time since things were under the normal bracket.

OP posts:
Momstermunch · 02/06/2024 11:46

I think there are some very naive people on here who have no idea how hard it is to access services like camhs. They would far rather believe that people are entirely to blame for the shit circumstances they find themselves in because the idea that there is no help out there for people who re struggling is unpalatable.

There's a thread running at the moment with an op who is clearly very unwell and you one response was along the lines of 'cbt now!'. Which is laughable. Apparently op just needs to call up the CBT fairies and after one round everything will be fixed!

Anyway, I hope things get better for you. This place is a blessing and a curse sometimes. Ignore the idiots and embrace the good advice.

MermaidEyes · 02/06/2024 11:58

I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but I try not to go down the What If route because it never ever helps a situation. I like the saying cross that bridge when you come to it. If you do then fine, you'll deal with it then and any way you have to. If you never come to that bridge then you haven't wasted hours lying awake at night worrying unnecessarily.
I also agree with pp that no matter how hard it is, you need to take care of yourself first to be in a healthy position to take care of others.

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 13:13

Momstermunch · 02/06/2024 11:46

I think there are some very naive people on here who have no idea how hard it is to access services like camhs. They would far rather believe that people are entirely to blame for the shit circumstances they find themselves in because the idea that there is no help out there for people who re struggling is unpalatable.

There's a thread running at the moment with an op who is clearly very unwell and you one response was along the lines of 'cbt now!'. Which is laughable. Apparently op just needs to call up the CBT fairies and after one round everything will be fixed!

Anyway, I hope things get better for you. This place is a blessing and a curse sometimes. Ignore the idiots and embrace the good advice.

Yeah it's very hard because it seems so many people sincerely believe it's really that simple.
And some things are out of the person's control . I don't understand why people think things are so simple

Yeah CBT now. If only . If only things could just be fixed just like that . Life would be fantastic

Thank you things are actually getting better to be honest . Just hard to believe they could stay that way .

OP posts:
ssd · 02/06/2024 14:20

Another one you see a lot on mn is "get some counselling", like its accessible for everyone. I did counselling a few years ago, it was £45 for 40 minutes THEN. God knows what it is now. I saved my birthday and xmas money to pay for 4 sessions, I'd have loved more but the money wasn't there. I did ask my GP but basically the wait for counselling was least 18 months...

I dont think a lot of posters here know what reality is...

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 14:39

ssd · 02/06/2024 14:20

Another one you see a lot on mn is "get some counselling", like its accessible for everyone. I did counselling a few years ago, it was £45 for 40 minutes THEN. God knows what it is now. I saved my birthday and xmas money to pay for 4 sessions, I'd have loved more but the money wasn't there. I did ask my GP but basically the wait for counselling was least 18 months...

I dont think a lot of posters here know what reality is...

I've been guilty of that. Its because I had some much needed counselling and it did really help, but I know that it isn't always accessible. In future I shall say "get counselling if at all possible".

What gets me is when people don't understand say when a mother is worried about how an ex-partner is treating their children and say "I can't believe you are allowing contact. I would never allow my child to be looked after by someone like that. What is wrong with you?". It shows absolutely zero understanding of how the family court systems work. Or people who don't understand why someone didn't report a rape/assault "Just report it. You WILL be believed. Otherwise think of the other women he will hurt". I am all for people not falling into a victim mentality. And sometimes posters do reject every solution offered too quickly. But just shouting at women for situations well beyond their control is unfair.

PlayListHelpNeeded · 02/06/2024 15:23

ssd · 02/06/2024 14:20

Another one you see a lot on mn is "get some counselling", like its accessible for everyone. I did counselling a few years ago, it was £45 for 40 minutes THEN. God knows what it is now. I saved my birthday and xmas money to pay for 4 sessions, I'd have loved more but the money wasn't there. I did ask my GP but basically the wait for counselling was least 18 months...

I dont think a lot of posters here know what reality is...

You can access some excellent counselling in other forms though, through books and online resources. Downloadable hypnosis tapes, youtube videos etc. If you join a library they will order in specific books if they don't already have them.

Face to face counselling is brilliant but if it's not available to you then it doesn't have to be that or nothing. Put loads of effort into seeking out the right kind of self-help resources. I emphasis the 'right' kind because you will have to be a bit intelligent and a bit discerning about how you sort out what/who is worth listening to and what/who isn't, but it's all out there, if you look.

Look carefully at Amazon reviews of books, ask on here if people (especially MH and counselling professionals) can recommend books or free resources.

For example websites like this one: https://therapyinanutshell.com/internal-locus-of-control/

Make it a priority to get the best from those free resources. Buy yourself a journal (or ten journals, just cheap notebooks will do) and write down all the stuff that's been scrambled in your head your whole life long. All your demons. Your fears and insecurities. Dump it all. It doesn't matter if you fill ten books. It doesn't matter if you never read it back. It's cathartic to just get it all out there. The more you write down, the more the answers will reveal themselves to you.

The thing about counselling, is all they do is ask you questions that force you to look deep into yourself, really. And plant a few suggestions into your mind for different ways of looking at things that might be less destructive or less self-defeating. All the hard work comes from you.

Write about the things that hold you back, the times accepted shoddy behaviour from others because you didn't value yourself enough to demand better from them. Or the times you've let yourself down by having poor self control, no motivation, destructive patterns of behaviour and thinking, or poor judgement, self sabotaging behaviour etc.

Bit by bit, as you work on yourself using the books and resources, you can start to write not about the past, but about the future and how you now understand youself better. What has happened to you in the past to cause you to think and feel the way you do, and how you can come to terms with it, take control of it and turn it around. Plan how you are going to mentally tackle certain situations from now on. Learning to understand what is, and isn't in your 'locus of control' is a massive breakthrough. It'll be a long process of baby steps but it can't happen if you don't start.

Prioritise all this as if it were a new job you'd be given, and really wanted to do well at. Make time for it and do it to the best of your ability, because nothing else will fix itself until that is fixed. I can't promise it's going to evaporate money worries, or make everything in your life suddenly wonderful, but it's a start in the right direction.

Even if nothing changes about your day to day situation with money, or housing, or problems with the kids or whatever, it could for example, stop you in your tracks next time you are tempted to get into a relationship with a man who you know in your heart of hearts is not going to be a positive addition to your life. Teach yourself not to ignore all the signs of a wrong'un. Recognise old patterns of behaviour and take action to avoid them. That alone (if it applies to you and your life) will be very empowering.

The old adage 'if you keep on doing what you keep on going, you'll keep on getting what you keep on getting' is very true.

Internal Locus of Control

Drawing your Internal Locus of Control to Reduce Anxiety - Therapy in a Nutshell

The Locus of Control exercise is a quick activity that can help with anxiety and worry. Drawing your locus of control helps you clarify worries.

https://therapyinanutshell.com/internal-locus-of-control

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 16:44

PlayListHelpNeeded · 02/06/2024 15:23

You can access some excellent counselling in other forms though, through books and online resources. Downloadable hypnosis tapes, youtube videos etc. If you join a library they will order in specific books if they don't already have them.

Face to face counselling is brilliant but if it's not available to you then it doesn't have to be that or nothing. Put loads of effort into seeking out the right kind of self-help resources. I emphasis the 'right' kind because you will have to be a bit intelligent and a bit discerning about how you sort out what/who is worth listening to and what/who isn't, but it's all out there, if you look.

Look carefully at Amazon reviews of books, ask on here if people (especially MH and counselling professionals) can recommend books or free resources.

For example websites like this one: https://therapyinanutshell.com/internal-locus-of-control/

Make it a priority to get the best from those free resources. Buy yourself a journal (or ten journals, just cheap notebooks will do) and write down all the stuff that's been scrambled in your head your whole life long. All your demons. Your fears and insecurities. Dump it all. It doesn't matter if you fill ten books. It doesn't matter if you never read it back. It's cathartic to just get it all out there. The more you write down, the more the answers will reveal themselves to you.

The thing about counselling, is all they do is ask you questions that force you to look deep into yourself, really. And plant a few suggestions into your mind for different ways of looking at things that might be less destructive or less self-defeating. All the hard work comes from you.

Write about the things that hold you back, the times accepted shoddy behaviour from others because you didn't value yourself enough to demand better from them. Or the times you've let yourself down by having poor self control, no motivation, destructive patterns of behaviour and thinking, or poor judgement, self sabotaging behaviour etc.

Bit by bit, as you work on yourself using the books and resources, you can start to write not about the past, but about the future and how you now understand youself better. What has happened to you in the past to cause you to think and feel the way you do, and how you can come to terms with it, take control of it and turn it around. Plan how you are going to mentally tackle certain situations from now on. Learning to understand what is, and isn't in your 'locus of control' is a massive breakthrough. It'll be a long process of baby steps but it can't happen if you don't start.

Prioritise all this as if it were a new job you'd be given, and really wanted to do well at. Make time for it and do it to the best of your ability, because nothing else will fix itself until that is fixed. I can't promise it's going to evaporate money worries, or make everything in your life suddenly wonderful, but it's a start in the right direction.

Even if nothing changes about your day to day situation with money, or housing, or problems with the kids or whatever, it could for example, stop you in your tracks next time you are tempted to get into a relationship with a man who you know in your heart of hearts is not going to be a positive addition to your life. Teach yourself not to ignore all the signs of a wrong'un. Recognise old patterns of behaviour and take action to avoid them. That alone (if it applies to you and your life) will be very empowering.

The old adage 'if you keep on doing what you keep on going, you'll keep on getting what you keep on getting' is very true.

Edited

It's not that simple as read a book or right things down though.

For me (personally) that would not work . I have dyslexia and learning difficulties. Thete could be lots of words I don't even know the meaning of. Also by the time I have got to the bottom of the page I have forgotten what I have read.

Also sometimes it's not your own personal stuff as such. An example could be my Dd past DV she nearly lost her child. And living that and fighting for it not to happen. Praying that GS would coming to me if dd made a bad decision/mistake. Decisions I had no control over .

Or you try and get your own child help CAMHS rejecting you . Having to appeal it then the long waiting time. you try and get alternative help . The child does not engage. They reject everything. You can't force them so you get no where it takes a child to make a suicide attempt before they suddenly all jump in the air. And put some help in place.

Sometimes other people's actions have a massive effect and the problem I'd you can't control what others do . Sometimes you jabe to pick up the pieces and it's hard

OP posts:
PlayListHelpNeeded · 02/06/2024 17:59

Sometimes other people's actions have a massive effect and the problem I'd you can't control what others do . Sometimes you jabe to pick up the pieces and it's hard

Well that's exactly where learning about your locus of control comes in. There are some things (and some people) in life that you can have no control over. It's hard sometimes to accept that, and step back from the things that eat you up mentally but which you cannot change, so there is little point in worrying unduly about. Your mental energy is better spent on the things you can control.

This may not be of any help to you in your specific situation, which sounds hard, but I was just making the point that sometimes taking a helpless stance and just waiting for someone else to solve your problems or unscramble your brain or ease your anxiety or whatever, isn't helpful and there are ways you might be able to help yourself if you look for them. It's not perfect, but it's better than no help at all.

I

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 18:18

I already posted re counselling but I did similar exercises to the locus of control thing another poster mentioned and it did help. In your case it might not only help you with anxiety now but maybe also looking back on how you probably did do everything you could in past issues. E.g. "Dd past DV she nearly lost her child. And living that and fighting for it not to happen."
Can't control - DDs violent partner; social services decision; whether she goes back to him or an equally bad partner.
Can control - tell DD that partner is no good (if helpful); be there with DV resources/a source of support as much as possible to DD; try to look after own health/mental health; offer to take child in if needed; jump through the kinship carer hoops as much as possible

That whole situation sounds incredibly stressful and awful. But my guess is you probably, in that very horrible situation, were still taking actions to affect the things that were in your control. I have anxiety and I find it helpful to work out where to concentrate my efforts when everything is going to shit. So you forgive yourself for the things you can't control and put those worries aside and focus energies on what you can affect.

Personally I don't think CBT in general is much good for people whose lives are genuinely very difficult. But that's a rant for another day.

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 20:25

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 18:18

I already posted re counselling but I did similar exercises to the locus of control thing another poster mentioned and it did help. In your case it might not only help you with anxiety now but maybe also looking back on how you probably did do everything you could in past issues. E.g. "Dd past DV she nearly lost her child. And living that and fighting for it not to happen."
Can't control - DDs violent partner; social services decision; whether she goes back to him or an equally bad partner.
Can control - tell DD that partner is no good (if helpful); be there with DV resources/a source of support as much as possible to DD; try to look after own health/mental health; offer to take child in if needed; jump through the kinship carer hoops as much as possible

That whole situation sounds incredibly stressful and awful. But my guess is you probably, in that very horrible situation, were still taking actions to affect the things that were in your control. I have anxiety and I find it helpful to work out where to concentrate my efforts when everything is going to shit. So you forgive yourself for the things you can't control and put those worries aside and focus energies on what you can affect.

Personally I don't think CBT in general is much good for people whose lives are genuinely very difficult. But that's a rant for another day.

I get what your saying. It probably wasn't a good idea to put my own situation as an example really it just seemed easier. But probably a bit raw to use. I guess I was just trying to say things can often be very complex. I think its personal to each person. What is fantastic for one person will be hopeless to another .

OP posts:
anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 20:47

I know - sorry, I sort of questioned whether I should write that as it seemed such an awful thing to discuss. But its more that if you ask for advice on here sometimes its helpful and sometimes its just people saying "I don't know how you would let that happen. If a hurricane was threatening my house I would march straight on down to the people in charge of hurricanes and say turn that thing of." Whereas thinking in terms of what you can and can't control (and for me writing it down) at least gives me small practical things I can do (buy bottled water and tins). Or at the very least stops me worrying about the can't controls at 2 in the morning.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 20:48

I think just putting things in the "can't control" circle gives me permission to stop ruminating on them.

TheBossOfMe · 02/06/2024 20:55

PlayListHelpNeeded · 02/06/2024 15:23

You can access some excellent counselling in other forms though, through books and online resources. Downloadable hypnosis tapes, youtube videos etc. If you join a library they will order in specific books if they don't already have them.

Face to face counselling is brilliant but if it's not available to you then it doesn't have to be that or nothing. Put loads of effort into seeking out the right kind of self-help resources. I emphasis the 'right' kind because you will have to be a bit intelligent and a bit discerning about how you sort out what/who is worth listening to and what/who isn't, but it's all out there, if you look.

Look carefully at Amazon reviews of books, ask on here if people (especially MH and counselling professionals) can recommend books or free resources.

For example websites like this one: https://therapyinanutshell.com/internal-locus-of-control/

Make it a priority to get the best from those free resources. Buy yourself a journal (or ten journals, just cheap notebooks will do) and write down all the stuff that's been scrambled in your head your whole life long. All your demons. Your fears and insecurities. Dump it all. It doesn't matter if you fill ten books. It doesn't matter if you never read it back. It's cathartic to just get it all out there. The more you write down, the more the answers will reveal themselves to you.

The thing about counselling, is all they do is ask you questions that force you to look deep into yourself, really. And plant a few suggestions into your mind for different ways of looking at things that might be less destructive or less self-defeating. All the hard work comes from you.

Write about the things that hold you back, the times accepted shoddy behaviour from others because you didn't value yourself enough to demand better from them. Or the times you've let yourself down by having poor self control, no motivation, destructive patterns of behaviour and thinking, or poor judgement, self sabotaging behaviour etc.

Bit by bit, as you work on yourself using the books and resources, you can start to write not about the past, but about the future and how you now understand youself better. What has happened to you in the past to cause you to think and feel the way you do, and how you can come to terms with it, take control of it and turn it around. Plan how you are going to mentally tackle certain situations from now on. Learning to understand what is, and isn't in your 'locus of control' is a massive breakthrough. It'll be a long process of baby steps but it can't happen if you don't start.

Prioritise all this as if it were a new job you'd be given, and really wanted to do well at. Make time for it and do it to the best of your ability, because nothing else will fix itself until that is fixed. I can't promise it's going to evaporate money worries, or make everything in your life suddenly wonderful, but it's a start in the right direction.

Even if nothing changes about your day to day situation with money, or housing, or problems with the kids or whatever, it could for example, stop you in your tracks next time you are tempted to get into a relationship with a man who you know in your heart of hearts is not going to be a positive addition to your life. Teach yourself not to ignore all the signs of a wrong'un. Recognise old patterns of behaviour and take action to avoid them. That alone (if it applies to you and your life) will be very empowering.

The old adage 'if you keep on doing what you keep on going, you'll keep on getting what you keep on getting' is very true.

Edited

@PlayListHelpNeeded Read what you’ve written and then read what the OP has written. Talk about an utter lack of comprehension 🤦‍♀️

Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 20:58

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 20:48

I think just putting things in the "can't control" circle gives me permission to stop ruminating on them.

No its totally fine. It was me that used the example in the first place. It's not so much the can't control it in that respect. Its kind of like if one thing has wrong then something else gos wrong . And if that wrong happens due to another person's actions. Then you have people saying. Why did you allow that to happen . You could have done xyz . Or whete you say yoir going through hell with your teenager and the another is very simple . Take his phone away etc. But it's not that simple at all .

This is not going on now its just a reflection and I think we are saying the same thing ?

OP posts:
Fuckerylife · 02/06/2024 20:59

TheBossOfMe · 02/06/2024 20:55

@PlayListHelpNeeded Read what you’ve written and then read what the OP has written. Talk about an utter lack of comprehension 🤦‍♀️

I couldn't even take it all in 😭

OP posts:
JamSandle · 02/06/2024 21:02

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 20:48

I think just putting things in the "can't control" circle gives me permission to stop ruminating on them.

This is actually really useful. Relinquishing control can be very helpful. Sometimes I'm not sure where I do and don't have control though.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 21:43

@Fuckerylife Yes, I think we are!

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