What is it like to have a normal loving family?

[Lucyintheskywithrubes]

Apart from the odd issue, minor disagreement and what not. A family where your DPs just do normal things a loving DP would do, your siblings love you and you them, you all keep in touch, you love each other? There isn’t underlying resentment, alcoholism, anger issues and/or other. Does it exist? I just want my own family and my DCs to have that as they get older and when they’re adults. Tell me about your loving family? Is your DM/DF your best friend?

I definitely didn't have it with my DPs, but I have created it with my DD who is 21 now and says I am her best friend (although we both have many other friends, it's not in a completely dependent way!)

The book how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk was pivotal in my parenting. I have validated and helped her to recognise her feelings (I was shouted at and told my feelings were silly or whatever) and as soon as possible let her make decisions about things, although I have set firm boundaries when these are necessary - she knows that if I say no that's a good reason for it. We never really had any significant conflict during her teen years (although she did have a lot of anxiety which I think came from intergenerational trauma and difficult earlier years before I split up with her dad), and I think that was because I talked through options with her and generally gave her the final say if feasible but never said I told you so if they turned out badly. She says being allowed to make her own mistakes has been really important to her.

When she was having problems with anxiety and at school I spent a lot of time just sitting with her anddrove over around to talk and listen to music. As part of making sense of my own experience, I did a lot of reading about psychological, emotional and physiological effects of trauma so I could talk to DD about what was going on in her brain and body when she was experiencing strong feelings.

She has a half sister and half brother, and I made sure that she had good relationships with them, her dad wasn't very good at doing this. We don't have much of a functional wider family, and I do miss this, but creating lifelong friendships for her has been important though to replace family. I don't ever wish I'd been through the experiences that I have with my family, but I do think in lots of ways it made me a better parent.

Yes it does exist and it is great. Now that I am an adult I realise
how much comes from positive role models . My parents are married almost 40 years and even though we witnessed some arguments as children it was nothing serious. They did their best for us and expected us to live to the same values as them. We always got everything for school etc wr needed but had to earn to luxuries, ie get good grades and you get x. Otherwise presents were only for birthdays and Christmas.

My parents are NOT my “best friends” and I don’t think they are supposed to. They are your guardians and supposed to educate and raise and mould you into a responsible, independent person. Things I share with friends I would not share with children!

They have supported me and my sibling throughout our lives and are now excited to be involved with grandchildren and step grand children as well.

One thing in particular that sticks out to me was buying my first home with my partner and the bank potentially putting a large max advance on which would require us to find another £50k deposit pretty instantly. My dad took out a loan immediately to be ready to help. We would if course have paid him back. In the end we didn’t need it but it was just that readiness to jump in to help and I know that is HUGE to fall back on.

I have no idea what it looks like but I'm trying to create it the best I can for my ds. Basically take whatever you parents did and do the opposite. That's my framework for it anyway. In my home there's no violence, manipulation, emotional abuse or neglect . My ds is loved and supported and alcohol isn't put before his needs. He also has never ever been in a pub nor will he ever. I came home from school to the pub. He has toys and games and lovely clothes and shoes and a clean home.
Parenting when you come from a background like mine is hard but it's worth it to know that the generational trauma will die with me.

Alcoholism is obviously something completely different and that is extreme but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Reading on here about so many problematic relationships I am incredibly grateful for my stable family background.

My sister and I have both chosen men who are incredibly supportive too and share our values and it is so nice to have that trust and love and having somebody completely on your side.

OP I really wish that you will carve out bits of this for yourself too. You can make it happen for yourself and be that positive role model.

Really appreciate these contributions.

@MurielThrockmorton there are a few books with that title which one is it please

@Lucyintheskywithrubes

My parents where mainly normal but with alcohol issues and stuff but that didn't stop them being supportive and loving.. My problem came from older destructive jealous and nasty older siblings.

Then the wider family.

Unfortunately dh family are toxic and we had to go low contact.
I'm hoping I can be liberal open and there for my dc i hope I've validated their feelings but with the eldest I've been so stressed at times I think I may not have.
But I'm still working on it.

It's by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish @PuttingOutFirewithGasoline - they've got a teenager one too, they're basically pretty similar but just with examples aimed at different ages. I use the principles in management as well!