What should I have done?

[Whatinthedoopla]

Yesterday my family and I were celebrating my mum's birthday, and before arriving I had just come out from A&E as my DD (2) had a fall, hit her head and had a concussion in the morning.

All was fine, I was sat on the sofa with my daughter on my lap, she was eating some cake with her hand, and got some icing on it, I didn't mind as we weren't sitting close to anyone. My nephew (19 years old and with autism) sits right next to us, my DD accidentally touches his top slightly and gets a smidge of icing on it.

My nephew starts to gruntle, goes to the toilet to try and take it off, and couldn't apparently. My sister says it doesn't matter, he then proceeds to grab my DD's head and in a jokingly not jokingly way! with his hand on the top and all fingers pressing against her skull! It wasn't a horrendous pressure, but it was still some force applied.

My immediate reaction was to say "excuse me! Do you mind?!" As I tried to take his fingers off, which I couldn't really as there was quite a bit of pressure applied.

My mum says I should have told him a kinder way, but it was an immediate reaction, and thinking retrospectively, I don't know how else I could have reacted.

AIBU I'm the way I reacted?
What would have done?

I forgot to mention, he left the house as he was so angry with how I spoke to him.

Your reaction was fine. I would have told him to bugger off and wouldn't be all that bothered that he then left the house.

What would have done?

I wouldn't have allowed my two year old to eat cake with her hands on someone's sofa for a start.

Your reaction was fine. If anything, restrained.

ND or not, he needs to learn that you can't grab toddlers (or anyone) by the head because you're annoyed with them.

You shouldn’t have done anything more or less than what you did do.
It’s your job to protect your DD. She is completely reliant on you.

He chose to sit next to a 2 yo eating cake. There was a reasonably high chance that some cake would end up on him.

Seriously...get a grip!

Seriously...get a grip!!!

The child had concussion , he shouldn't have been gripping her head !

No. Did you miss the bit where the OP explained that the child had been to hospital with concussion?

To put it lightly, I'd of laid him out if he put his hand on my child. He obviously knows right from wrong and at 19 years of age that is complete unacceptable

My mum says because he has autism, and quite severe autism, I should have dealt with it differently. Do you think I should have?

Your reaction was far too restrained. It doesn’t matter if he has autism. The moment he touched your child, your response should have been direct and forceful that he needed to stop.

I think if he is not typical for a 19yo a forceful NO while pulling his hand away is the best way to deal with it. That's what you would have done with a younger child after all.

I do also agree with the PP who said that toddlers, cake, and soft furnishings are not a good combination but that's not really relevant. Nothing justifies laying hands on someone else's child in anger.

Yes, you should have told this grown man to get his fucking hands off a concussed toddlers head.
Your sister is nuts.

Your mum, not your sister!

Really? This is what you choose to pick on?

he must know it was wrong!
you were right, never mind he is angry

Waiiit I was reading an old thread about doing daft things when drunk, and you were there being a spoilsport. See you haven't changed 🤐

He either needs to behave appropriately, or if he cannot, then he mustn’t be allowed to be around small children or anyone he could hurt. Your reaction was fine - if anything you were restrained.

I'm being a spoilsport because I wouldn't allow a child to make a mess on someone's furniture? That's fine by me. It's called having good manners and respect for other people's belongings.

Your reaction sounds ok to me - difficult not to act with shock/urgency when someone is basically being a bit violent to your toddler. 19 year olds are really strong.

Has your sister said anything to you? Presumably her opinion on this matters more than your mum's.

PS re the PP saying it was your fault for allowing a toddler to eat cake with her hands on the sofa, I think it's here nor there that she was eating with her hands (a toddler wielding a fork likely to be messier if anything!) And your mum probably would not be serving cake in the living room with kids on sofas if she was very precious about mess...

However I suppose if your nephew is very sensitive about food and mess perhaps your sister (or you) should've thought to try and seat your DD a bit further away from him.

I think you were quite restrained. When you went to take his hand off but couldn't I would have completely freaked out. I hate people touching my DC head with any force and it's scary when small children have concussion. I have older DS with asd and it's really important to me that he understands that you can't touch people's head with any force at all.

And as for the t shirt, I would be telling his mother that you can help to wash or replace it if needs be, but she needs to make sure he never touches Dds head again, because she is not replaceable.

You were more restrained than I’d have been, having autism doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get pulled up on his behaviour you did nothing wrong.

You were very restrained, I'd have punched the little shit 🤷‍♀️