A dark one . Have you ever done something that haunts you , made a mistake that eats you up ?
Do you believe in karma ? Has karma got you ?
I’ll start …
When I was 17 me and my friend found a new group of friends and in that group was a boy who we both liked. We both flirted but ultimately it was her and him who got together . Me and him got on really well and I did originally feed myself the narrative that we were meant to be and we fell in love . But , what actually happened was that he had no problems cheating on her and I convinced myself that we were star crossed lovers and she was a horrible girlfriend. That wasn’t true , looking back I liked the attention and I tried to convince myself I was living some kind of soap opera. I didn’t think of her I was selfish and only thought of myself . We cheated on her , on and off for about 3 months . We never actually slept together - I was still a virgin - but we would sneak off at the end of the night , usually back to his and just kiss and tell each other how much we wanted to be together . I had drifted away from his girlfriend and she wasn’t really a part of the group any more . I then met someone else and that was that . A few years later , after a relationship and a child I was single again and so was he ( or so I thought ) . In my defence at this point I I was older and wiser and would never have knowingly cheated , his friends told me that they had split up . It was before Facebook so I had no way of knowing what she was up to we had completely lost contact . We slept together twice and I thought it may lead somewhere but then I found out that he was actually still with her ( also seeing someone else ) . I cut him off as soon as I knew . I sent him a barrage of abuse and told him he didn’t deserve her and he didn’t deserve anyone . He simply ignored me . At this point it wasn’t a teen relationship - they were still together so it would have been 10 years they had been together and it wasn’t just kissing. I considered telling her but I had no idea how I would get in touch and as we had got up to stuff when we were younger , when I was completely guilty , I decided to save my own skin . A few years later I heard they had had 2 children , I saw her with her children whilst I was out with mine - she didn’t talk to me just looked at me and away and I knew from her eyes that she knew .
Fast forward a few years after that - I’m happily married with the love of my life and he cheated on me, a fling not a one off , I already felt guilt but at that point , feeling that pain where I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stamped all over it …. Well the guilt I felt . I felt disgusting . That I had done that to someone else . Admittedly when I slept with him as far as I were aware , they weren’t together , but they were when we were younger and we cheated and I just honestly felt like the worst person ever . To think that I have caused that pain to another person will never leave me . I genuinely believe that was my karma . The universe repaid me and I do believe I deserved it . In fact ever since that happened I have done everything I can to try and be a good person - I don’t believe I’m a bad person , but I sometimes can’t deal with the thought that I was responsible for that level of pain for another human being and someone who was my friend and never did anything to me to deserve it . I honestly believe I had to experience that pain , I had to reap what I sowed so to speak . I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself .