How do you become carefree?

[Carefree32]

So I recently spent some time with a colleagues family and they are facing some significant long term challenges. But what really struck me was how positive and optimistic and just warm fun and happy people they are to be around. I know they have their down moments and it's not all sunshine and roses, but I think they do a really good job of living in the moment and focusing on really living well.

It made me really reflect on my own approach to life which I would describe as very cautious and made me think about my own parenting and how I can raise ds to be more optimistic than what I am.

I had a difficult childhood where I was under a lot of pressure to do things right with big reactions if I made a mistake and sometimes abusive. I feel like I've worked hard (though therapy and individually) to come to a place of acceptance with what went on and I feel like I've made my peace with it. But I realised just last night that it's probably left me with a sense of hypervigilance - I'm always looking out for the next danger or the next thing to worry about so I can feel prepared for it (even though usually it's not even something I can really prepare for) and when I do things for myself it's usually more about calming myself down and grounding myself than having fun or being joyful if that makes sense.

Dh is the opposite (very tight knit secure family upbringing) and he is so good at living in the moment and being silly and having fun and he looks at the future with excitement rather than worry about what could happen so I'm really glad ds will have his influence as well as mine in his life. (He's also very practical and a planner so I feel like that's the type of good balance I'd like to get to).

I did have bad ppa after having ds (now 1.5) and had quite bad intrusive thoughts of all the awful things that could happen to him and to the world he'll grow up in that I spoke to my hv about. She was really reassuring and I've worked really hard to get that under control and it's definitely much, much better than what it was but I still don't quite feel like the person I was before having a baby. Like I've lost a bit of my own personality and I'm not sure how to find it again.

I guess my question is, how do I become more like that? Living actually joyfully rather than with a low level anxiety there in the background with some short periods of conscious grounding and mindfulness. I know it's not realistic to expect to feel happy all the time but how can I become more carefree and focused on the fun in life? Has anyone been able to change this about themselves and if so how did you do it?

If you read all of that thank you, it's probably a bit rambly but difficult to put into words.

Hopeful bump

I don't know how to become completely care free, but I think there is truth in the idea that you can't control everything, but you can control how you react to it! I'm someone who tries to see the positive and take things on the chin. It's much easier if you are secure, ideally in yourself but also in other ways- having savings for example so a broken down car is an annoyance not a disaster. Taking a moment to appreciate little nice things- a sunny morning, a pleasant encounter, a nice coffee. I think that builds a bank of positivity to draw on when things are hard. Everyone has aspects of their life they worry about but the more you can try and appreciate the moments and the things you have and the joy, the easier it is not to worry about stuff.

I feel similar. While I wouldn't describe my childhood as difficult by any means, I suppose I did feel under pressure to do things exactly right and if I made any mistakes or bad decisions, it was like the most worrying thing in the world for my parents. So I never developed any confidence to try things and fail and learn from that that it was ok to fail and it would be ok and not a disaster. Or to try something and be satisfied that I'd done a good job even though it wasn't perfect.

I actually had to gently suggest to my dad once whe nDS1 was around 3 or 4 that if he was supervising an activity eg showing him how to play cricket there are ways to demonstrate and encourage without being too negative ie. he didn't have to suggest an improvement on every little thing he tried out, or stop him doing it his toddler way - "no, no, that isn't how you do it - you hold the bat THIS way", and that he could still praise and encourage something that wasn't 100% perfect. eg He could instead say "oh, are you going to try to hold the bat down there? Have a go then, it might be a bit tricker but you never know! oh, good effort, well done! You very nearly hit it - have another go!" I could see that the way my dad interacted with DS1 sometimes made him disheartened and lose interest if he couldn't "get it right" and it started to make me realise why maybe I had no confidence in my own abilities.

When I watched my DH teaching the kids stuff it was like I could suddenly see the difference in the way DH did it and the way my parents did it - he did it in a totally different, more relaxed way. Lots of encourage ment, and it didn't have to be perfect. Not many "ohhhh, nooo!! what a shame! You missed another one, it'll be because you're holding the bat wrong. Here, look, I'll show you how to do it properly" and much more along the lines of "woah, fantastic try, DS1! You nearly got it, I think!" and "Yes, it's a really hard thing to learn and it can take lots of practice - it's fun trying though, isn't it?" It really opened my eyes to approaching things in a positive way than in a negative way and not fretting over the way it turned out ie. just taking satisfaction from the process of doing something instead of just the outcome.

I've tried to take heed from the way my DH approaches life. Because as an adult I know I am TERRIBLE at making a decision because I am never confident enough that I'm doing the right thing. Every little choice I make is researched to the nth degree, even something like going on holiday. My mind worries over "but what if the hotel is a disappointment? What if the resort is too quiet/too loud/too far from anywhere?" Whereas DH was brought up with minimal concern from his parents over his choices and they didnt show any huge angst outwardly about eg if he didn't do as well as expected at A-levels etc. I also witnessed the way they interacted with the kids when they were little and it was always lots of positive praise and very little "no, no, that's wrong, not like that, like this".

So I do think the way our parents deal with things does help give us confidence. And when you have confidence, you can be carefree to just try things out and live your life. Because you aren't fretting over the small details. You just KNOW that it will be ok whatever.

That's a bit rambly and I might be way off the mark. But I think I get you. When you have kids, instead of just worrying about how your OWN life is going, you're then thinking of how THEIRS is going, so the anxiety about it just kindof grows!

I can only tell you about my experience......

In the space of a year, I lost family, friends and loved ones.... Some passing, some falling out/NC.... And my whole life went 180° (through no choice of my own)

It made me realise, life is short and can change so so quickly.....
Embrace life, accept shit happens, be a little bit selfish and say yes to everything!!
Force yourself not to worry about the what-ifs...... There's very little you can do to change the future....

Tbh Op, you already sound brave - you just need to believe in yourself !! ( And if you think your depression is creeping up, antidepressants are marvellous x).

I had a very challenging childhood. My mum was always optimistic and encouraging. However the money was so tight I was always watching my every step in case my life took the wrong turn. I learned to relax after I started practicing Buddhism. I didn't realise there were so many Buddhists in the UK until an acquaintance lent me a book "A Buddha in Your Mirror ". I followed the principles, did a bit of chanting and quickly saw the results. There was no going back then. I have been practicing for almost 13 years and I truly enjoy my life now. Mindfulness (which you mention) has its roots in Buddhism. If you want to know more about Buddhist movement in the UK you can find more info on SGI-UK website

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. I grew up in a loving family but my mum was very anxious (she still is) and I suppose because of that I'm a natural worrier. I've worked hard to "chill out" a bit and I'm definitely better than I was. My friend commented once how laid back and positive I am and although I'm definitely not all the time, I really try to be.

I also had intrusive thoughts after DD1 was born. Awful thoughts of going into her room and finding her dead in her cot, or something terrible happening to her. I still have some intrusive thoughts occasionally but I've learned to crowd them out. What helped specifically with DD was every time I had a bad thought like that I'd force myself to picture her on her 100th birthday, surrounded by balloons, cake and all of her family. I'd try to make the picture in my mind as detailed as possible and over time, repeating that really helped.

If I have an intrusive thought now I literally shout (internally, in my head) "INTRUSIVE THOUGHT" and force myself to think about something else. I actively make a choice not to dwell on these sort of negative thoughts and to move on. It is something that with time and practice has really helped me. And I think that starts to affect how I approach life. Not spending too much time dwelling on negativity or things I can't control.

I totally agree with a PP about modelling encouraging and supportive parenting to my own children. I tell them I love them and that they make me proud very often. When they do something wrong I say things like "you made a bad decision but I know you're a good kid" rather than "you are bad" if you see what I mean.

Other than that it's about finding happiness and contentment in the little things and finding times to laugh together. Things that specifically help me are gardening and encouraging DDs to grow things with me, practising self care e.g. on Sunday afternoons we have "spa baths" with calm music playing and lots of bubble bath. I appreciate those little moments and try to instill that appreciation in them too by saying things like "wow, look at that ladybird... isn't it cool!" Or "aren't we lucky to have such a lovely home" Or "This is lovely, I feel so calm." Etc.

Becoming a parent myself has forced me to look at my own behaviour and my own upbringing. I don't want to pass anxiety onto my children like my mum did to me. I want them to go out into the world knowing that they are loved, that they can try and it doesn't matter if they fail and appreciating the little things in life.

It's not perfect all the time. Of course everyone has struggles and worries. But you do have a choice of how you approach those struggles and I think a bit of stoicism and resilience is a good thing. Finding time to have some fun is important. DDs were rolling down a hill at the park today and I was watching them, then I said "can I have a go?" and rolled down the hill too. I must have looked like a right idiot and I bumped my elbow going down but DDs were in a fit of laughter about it and that made me laugh too. You can't be happy all the time, but you can choose to find happiness where there is some to be had.

It's hard to completely change as it's partly personality, partly circumstances

Posted too soon!

But if we can try to let go of worrying about what others think. I found going through divorce helped me live for me, and prioritising happiness now vs some expectations for the future. Serious illness can make you want to live for now , because tomorrow isn't ti be taken for granted

I think having good solid coping mechanisms and things that bring you joy in place in your life, non-negotiably diarised in, that you do every day really helps. There is a saying something along the lines of "If you are feeling stressed go and sit in a forest for 20 minutes, unless you're really busy in which case go for an hour".

Basically, however shit or stress-inducing or busy your life gets, always make sure you keep on doing the things that are good for you and help you cope. For me, its exercise. I never skip my twice weekly sessions and I also try and go for a walk every day, even just a short one. These are the things that keep me sane and help me cope with everything else. I also rely very much on a good routine in the morning and evening to keep me grounded and to stop things spinning out of control.

The realisation you can spend a lot of time and effort on worrying about the what ifs, is an awful waste of effort. Better to channel that into something useful whether that's helping others or doing the washing up! It became evident to me one day (about age 14) that I had spent a week worrying about what ifs only for none of the what ifs had materialised. All that teenage angst ...for nothing! So for me it became almost a game to 'always look on the bright side of life' - you can imagine my delight when was released (you'll thank me for the ear worm later).
It's always stood me in good stead to think 'how exciting' when there's a challenge rather than 'oh no, what if... or....!'. Indeed my dad (who I always looked up to in terms of being sensible and well balanced, with a positive outlook) in his 80s confessed he sometimes thought 'what would Ariela say/think/do' when trying to decide what to do in tricky times.
I also think nature is very important, it's why I live pretty much in the country. You cannot beat walking, even if it is only 5 minutes, to smell the air and see what you can see, something out there will bring joy even if it is raining.

I think it’s about not sweating the small stuff really, but also stuff like sleeping properly and feeling well in general! Also a lot of appreciating little things I suppose!!

Good parents consciously and unconsciously pass on good patterns to their children.

Poor parents, ie those with negative beliefs and patterns, consciously and unconsciously pass on those patterns to their children, though they may try not to.

Do you have a critical inner voice OP?

Thank you so much to everyone who replied, lots of great ideas here that I can try and build into my day to day so I really appreciate that.

@GameOfJones I love that idea of visualising her thriving and loved on her 100th birthday I think that's something I could definitely use to challenge the spiral thinking that sometimes creeps in!

I do try really hard to instil good habits with ds, he's only 1.5 but he already knows how to do deep belly breathing and he's doing quite well regulating when he's upset with a bit of support and we spend some time every night where I tell him what I love about him and how glad I am to be his mummy and I try really hard to be cool with mess and accidents and praise him for trying rather than correcting. It sounds stupid but sometimes I'm so focused on trying so hard to be really conscious about parenting in a better way that I sometimes feel a bit like I'm not in the moment just enjoying him if that makes sense. But then maybe that's just a normal part of it and I need to just embrace that.

I do love walking, we have a high energy dog so we're out a lot at the weekends regardless of weather which is definitely good for the soul and I think @stayathomer you make a good point about sleeping - lack of sleep massively spikes my anxiety and now that you say it we're in a run of ds waking really early because of his teeth so I'm probably not getting as much sleep as I should be and I feel exhausted a lot of the time.

@ConesFones I think I would say its pretty negative and I'm better at challenging it in some respects than others. Like if I had a difficult situation in work I would be able to challenge the negative thoughts by reflecting on all the other difficult work things I've over come. But since having a baby I'm definitely still adapting to big changes in my body and probably it becoming much harder to see friends (they've all got small kids too so it's much harder than I expected to meet up with the amount of illnesses we are working through thanks to nursery) and with childcare costs I'm finding it really hard to justify things for myself that before I'd not have thought twice about like going to get my hair done when it needed it, or paying for the gym or a creative hobby. So I think I feel like I've lost a lot of the things that make me feel like 'me'. I'm not sure if that even makes sense! But I guess the things that would have made me feel more confident before aren't just as available now so it's harder to challenge that inner critic?

Life is to be enjoyed and it sounds like doing things you like will bring back the joy - hair cut or craft hobby or whatever it is. It makes you a better parent I think if you have some joy and it’s ok for that joy not to be with your child all the time. You have your own needs and it’s ok to meet them - sacrificing your needs in aim of better parenting sounds the opposite of what you experienced but not sure it will bring the results you wanted