Message from old school friend asking for money

[peppermintcloud]

My husband received a message from a girl he went to school with but hasn't heard from since. She says that another of their old classmates has recently lost his wife and is now alone parenting their 3 children. She's collecting money for him and included her bank details.
The country they are from is quite deprived. It's not the first time he's been contacted for money since moving out of the country, but this is the only time it's been for someone else
The message contained no introduction like "how are you?" or "it's been a while!". Just straight into it.

What would you do in this situation?

For example, he's received legit phone calls before from an old school acquaintance asking for money for his dad's eye operation and similar. These are often people he wasn't close friends with but that know he has moved abroad and has more money now.

It's not to support her. It seems like she's basically messaging all their old school friends trying to raise money for this one old classmate who has lost his wife.

You haven't said how long ago DH left school? Surely a grown man with 3 children, IF his wife did die and they needed money- they'd contact his CURRENT friends, work colleagues and family? Not someone he knew 20-30yrs ago??? Think about it!

I'm surprised your so called computer astute husband is even mentioning the email! IF he really needs to know, he should contact a separate friend to ask if its even true, and only then decide if he wanted to send anything to the actual man who supposedly lost his wife!

What would you do in this situation?

Absolutely nothing

You’re an adult and coming on here to question such a thing?

jeez I despair. No wonder scammers are on the increase with fools like you around.

Wow, so many assumptions and exclamation marks.

It's precisely BECAUSE he's not currently in contact with the widowed friend that we thought it was particularly brazen, or suspicious, of her to ask. But I wanted to see if others thought we were being callous.

I think your perspective might be slightly different if you come from a country that is actually extremely deprived, and regularly receive requests for money from close friends and family, as well as distance acquaintances. Many of these requests are not scams - e.g. they will video call each other or chat for a long time abour personal things, only to learn later that their intention is financial. Often the reasons are understandable, but it's hard to know when to help and when not to.

I think the point …. You are not a cash cow …. Just because he went to school with someone not your responsibility ..

if he wanted to help family and friends fine but this isn’t a friend widow isn’t a friend .

Basically, when you grew up in an extremely poor country, and then move to a wealthier country, it is actually very common for old friends and acquaintances to try and leverage your situation to their own advantage. You could call them scams in the sense that they are brazenly manipulating you for financial gain. But the difference is it really is them, and they genuinely are poor. It's actually very difficult.

Just message back your dh will be contacting her himself. Then block.

OP- what are you asking then? If you are used to such requests ALL the time, then what have you done/said in the past? You and DH presumably don't have endless money to support every person you ever went to school with, lived in the same village or met once.

If you husband thinks there is any merit, why doesn't he contact the actual man to send his condolences on the loss of his wife?

I understand op, my dad has been in the UK since he was 14, he's mid 70s now. He still gets requests from friends of friends of friends who've fallen on hard times back home in India. Some people really have no one else to turn to.
Send a token amount if you want, if the death story is true and if you're able to of course.

It's not difficult at all.

Your husband bettered himself whilst they held back and didn't.

He owes them nothing.

Of course if he sees fit he can off his own back, help others by way of charity but he should never feel obliged to help anyone from his past.

He is contacting him.

I'm posting here because we receive these requests regularly from legit sources, and I tend to be more of the opinion that we shouldn't comply, but I wanted to see if I was being callous. Maybe I should have posted in AIBU.

Thanks, this is exactly it.

If these people are not in his life and he doesn't want to contribute then of course he should say no.

But gathering money from anyone you can think of who is loosely connected to you or the person you're collecting for when there's a crisis isn't automatically a scam. It is the norm in my husband's country (Kenya) and we often get messages saying this has happened, that has happened and we know that means it's M-Pesa time without them even asking directly.

OP, is it culturally the done thing in your husband's country or is it a strange thing to be asked?

I tend to agree with you... but then I know that a lot of these people are in a real poverty trap, and unless you're really entrepeneurial or a brilliant student, it can be very hard to better yourself. Some relatives of his actually have really good professions, like engineers, but earn the equivalent of about £200 a month and can't afford to save anything.

I'm flabbergasted at this

Thanks. The country doesn't really have anything by way of a welfare state, so I suppose yes in hard times you do just tend to ask friends and family for help.

Verify the story is true and if you want to send something send it to the actual person, not an intermediary who may keep all or some of the money themselves.

Update:
It wasn't a scam.
We found out through various other personal sources that his wife did die a few days ago, and that friends have been raising money for him. Also it turns out the bank details are for his bank account, not the friend's.
The way the money was requested was very abrupt and strange, but it seems it's a leitimate cause.

Scam.
I once got one from my friend Sarah ( supposedly) She’d been in accident while travelling, needed $$$ to pay hospital bills. That’s odd I thought Sarah posted online she’s in her camper van in Spain.

If your DH is really concerned he could try contacting the affected friend directly but I’d ignore it.

Crossposted with your update —- that’s sad but always good to be on the alert for scams.

My DM had a scam text the other day purporting to be from one of her friends, asking for money. It was a scam.

The most I would do if I wanted to help, is ask the old school friend for the contact information of the widowed man. Then if your DH is so inclined he can contact him directly.

I would have ignored it, unless you want to receive further requests for money.

Definitely ignore this, a practical stranger asking you for money for them or others or some cause or other is a scam. I had this from an old school friend too, and the moment you clicked on the link they have got you, and your personal details. And pretty brazen giving their bank details, maybe the person is hacked and the 'account' is actually in a poor country somewhere?