Child maintenance - am I in the wrong here?!?

[uncertain88]

Bit of a strange situation. I have a 13 year old DD. Her 'DF' and I were briefly together, but when I got pregnant he vanished, told me to abort and he didn't want to know. I kept the child and we have a lovely life - I met someone 4 years ago and we are happy. Her DF is not on the birth certificate.

The DF has never seen DC. Periodically he will send a FB message asking after her, and his DB is a little more interested. We are FB friends - mainly so I can keep track of him in case she ever wants to know about him. I've always kept what I said about him neutral and she knows she can ask any questions.

He also has another child - a boy about 4 months older than my DD. I didn't know anything about someone else. He has been far more involved with this child - he is on the birth certificate, acknowledges him as his son and sees him occasionally.

When DD was between 3-5 I did get CM from him - after him blustering we arranged it through collect and pay. I ended it when DD was about 5 due to pressure from my XP who didn't want him to have ANY input. We have struggled through occasionally but we aren't destitute.

Question is this - as I've got older (and I hope wiser!) it has increasingly bothered me that he has effectively walked away from a child he helped create. WIBU to put a new claim in for maintenance?! We don't particularly need to money and it would go into a bank account for DD for future expenses such as cars and uni! Just wondered what people thought?

Yes, you should absolutely claim!

It doesn't seem grabby or greedy to you @DontBiteTheCat? I've just got a bit to the point where I'm starting to feel so angry - my DD is the most lovely, kind and happy child.

You’re within your rights to claim. However, you both made the baby but only you chose to keep her. As a result, you should be the one to provide. Legally though, you can claim
cms.

It's money for your child, its money she is entitled to and paying CM is the absolute least a father can do. It's pretty shitty he sees one DC and not the other. CM isn't about either adult or who wanted what because it's to support the child

Men can walk away so easily it would seem and some women absolutely facilitate this.

Yes I think that makes it worse - he is involved with one but not the other. His mother is the same, is a doting grandmother on one but refuses to accept my DD even exists. Occasionally his DB will send he photos of the other child telling me what they have been doing and what he is like which I do find a bit unfair. I maintain contact with the family because it isn't the children's fault at all, it's just the way every few months I'll get a message on FB from him saying she's lovely, and of course she's clever etc like a benevolent father!

Most definitely claim.

He created the child, he should support the child physically and financially, but if he's opting out of being a parent, he should definitely contribute financially.

And don't let any new boyfriend tell you any different, this is your daughter's money and nothing to do with any partner you have.

Open a claim. Tell his brother you’re not interested in his other child. Was he with the other mum before he was with you? Might explain his differing approaches to the children.

Oh my DP is endlessly supportive and kind - my XP was an abusive arse. Luckily I got out of it before DD had anything much to do with him.
@AnneLovesGilbert He was with her at the same time, which makes me feel sick. I hate infidelity. She would have been his proper girlfriend and I was obviously the bit on the side. Stung quite a lot back then, especially when I was still pregnant and on my own and he was putting photos of the big Christening on FB.

If a bloke is ready to have sex, he should be ready to pay child support.

The other child is your DDs half sibling. Perhaps that's why his brother is communicating?

Whilst there isn’t anything to stop you putting in a claim, you need to be prepared for DNA tests to be carried out and a chance that ex may say if he is going to pay CMS then he may want to see her and even want 50/50 custody, personally if he was abusive I wouldn’t want anything to do with him nor my DD.

I don't think it was him that was abusive but another XP who persuaded her not to claim maintenance because he didn't want the biological father to be around.

Absolutely claim CMS.

@Fairydustandsparklylights the time for him to choose was when he choose to have sex or not.

Oh no @Mindymomo - he wasn't abusive at all. Just a bit of a dick! That was an XP. I have no objection to DNA or him seeing her at all. The reason he has had no contact was his choice. He did drunkenly say he wanted to see her when she was 3 and I told him it was fine, providing he could see himself not just dropping in once every few years but maybe developing a relationship with her as I didn't want her letting down. He said he couldn't commit to that, best of luck.

Personally, I think you're in the wrong not to have been claiming (not a criticism of you btw!). The money is for your DD not for you. Definitely rectify this by putting in a claim now. She has missed out on a lot by having a deadbeat dad and the money could be helpful to her when she's starting out on life independently in 5 years or so. Children have a right to support from both parents.

@Goldbar you have summed my thoughts up perfectly. I feel angry with myself for her missing out on it

Yawn