Worrying about dd masking at nursery

[mashedpineapple]

Previously dds (3) behaviour was consistent (not great but still consistent no matter where she was) so it was balanced if that makes sense.

In the last 3-4 months nursery are saying she’s made so much progress that they feel she has no issues but I disagree because at home it is just a series of constant meltdowns as soon as she gets home. Her daily pictures have changed too - she looks ‘zoned out’ and when I got there early one day I could see her just blankly staring. I’m concerned that she’s starting masking extensively there (which they see as compliance and progress = no additional needs).

Im not sure how to help her or if I should take her out completely and let her decompress at home ? I feel she’s so young to have this pressure and is clearly masking already

sorry edited to add she has a diagnosis of ASD

They are interpreting her quietness and compliance as progress and saying that her diagnosis was very young (she was 2) so they feel she’s actually ok. I can just see how she’s switching off / zoning out even from the photos , her behaviour afterwards is absolutely awful she screams for 4-6 hours non stop won’t eat won’t drink it’s just absolute hell now. When I said to them I think she’s masking they say she’s absolutely fine there. I feel awful as she’s so young to mask and my gut is telling me take her out and let her calm down and not have to

Yes I was wondering the same. Surely they know this isn't possible. Do they mean no new issues or issues specifically relating to meltdowns?

Trust your instincts and take her out. She is lucky to have you as her mum.

They seem to be saying that her diagnosis was very young (it was private) the manager even said to me that most children don’t get an nhs diagnosis till at least 3 and ‘there’s a reason for that’ and how dd has made progress but this ‘progress’ to me just coincides with what I believe to be masking.

They haven’t said it but I feel like it’s all hinting at that as they’ve said she has ‘no issues now’ and has made ‘huge progress’ and how she’s now quiet and doing what all the others do etc.

But isn't learning to mask important? I know it's exhausting and can create problems for you but not masking in a social setting would be more problematic wouldn't it? Depends on the child but 'not masking' for some means interrupting, pushing everyone out of the way instead of waiting turns, shrieking when irritated, throwing toys all over the floor, slapping teacher etc. All of which are unacceptable and cause risks for other children.

We saw a doctor then had to have separate assessments with a speech therapist plus a parent interview. I checked they followed NICE guidelines and the consultant also runs the local authority child development centre and does nhs assessments so they can’t dispute it - but I feel like they are saying she had it done too young ?

It’s just been a sudden change and at home it’s had a huge impact she is just exploding as soon as we get in the car and for hours

To be honest I would be wary of a private add diagnosis at 2 as well. But the bigger issue is you don't think your dd is happy there and you don't trust the staff, so for that reason I would be looking around for somewhere else. Maybe she would be better suited to a childminder?

Just saw your update. That's very intense for you, it must be so stressful. The solution may be to reduce her hours so she has some down time. Easier said than done. I wouldn't be happy if they seem to dismiss her diagnosis, or more importantly dismiss your version of things. It seems like they have a 'not my problem' attitude. I'm not sure what they could do if they don't see an issue, maybe more sensory breaks at set times to regulate her before home time? You might need to get a recommendation like a OT list of supports specific to her for them to follow.

Yes a consultant paediatrician she work for the nhs doing the same assessments and has a private practice too but we also saw a speech therapist as part of it

'After school restraint collapse' is worth a google. Given your daughter has a diagnosis i would make some specific requests of the nursery to support her. Things you know work for her. For example could she have a bit of time in a black out tent while the other kids are playing outside. Can she have a basin of rice/any calming sensory experience she likes to maintain regulation. Give them the subtle cues to look out for so they can see her demeanour change. If she’s demand avoidant maybe they can reduce expectations ie: instead of making her ask for help with her lunchbox/coat etc can they just do it for her for now.

What is @purpleaspargus saying that keeps getting deleted??

It was just about who did the private assessment? I didn’t think it was rude or anything ? Maybe it’s against guidelines to ask certain questions but I didn’t give the drs name so I’m not really sure