I feel my marriage is holding me back

[Shettani]

i don’t know how else to phrase it but I just feel that it’s not a relationship that is aiding us both. Been married 20 years and all I have to show is a house, career, a child in private school; which on paper looks good but there is no communication, no emotional support, no friendship etc
He sees the world and life in general as a battle- so everything is a target, goal etc. Even when we go for a walk or drive all we talk is jobs, daughters prep for 11+, list of schools etc. Nothing else. He loves to pick problems to solve- as he thrives on that. I am not that kind of person and have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for 11 years now.
its always been one job to another to ‘keep up’ but when I achieved something no congrats nothing. It’s because nothing is good enough- he doesn’t know what he wants and never supportive with my choices.
ive had two abortions in the past due to all the boxes not being ticked before having a baby-
I’m now a shell of my former self and really feel fed up- I want to separate but he thinks I’m being silly. That’s another thing no matter how many times I explain that emotions are important he says he is still learning- I’m 43 and he is 50- I don’t want to mother a 50 year old. I’m battling a stomach bug and feel really low but his answer to everything ( even when I lost my dad to Covid during lockdown) is ‘why don’t you go for a walk’

That sounds awful. I am single and I'm in my 50s and it's not perfect but I do have a sense of optimism. That whatever I plan, and whatever I'm brave enough to do, I can do it. My house is a very small terraced house and it's a bit shabby so my x is living in a muuuuuuuch nicer house but at least my house isn't full of black leather furniture and chrome lamps. Ha ha. It's all just taste. But if the furniture is a metaphor, then my ''taste'' is definitely authentic reciprocal communication, in any relationship! I can handle perfunctory small talk from colleagues or the postman.

What age is your child?

As you're thinking of other ways to live you have nothing to lose by asking your h questions that discover if he is happy, what he feels about x, y and z.

It can be shocking though sometimes, when you try to connect with somebody and it makes them angry. I've had that experience. I've tried to deepen a connection, or make it more authentical and I was met with a kind of frustration that I wouldn't just play my role!

That ''go for a walk'' in response to EVERY low feeling would drive me mad too.
Sometimes you just want to put your thoughts out there and having somebody acknowledge that it's hard. My mum is like this. ''You'll feel better when you're at the bus stop'' she used to say. No matter what the problem was. Big or small

@Maxentia thats it, I have lost all sense of optimism and hope. I feel stuck. My daughter is 10 - yes I can suck it up and carry on until she is older but by that time I don’t think there would be any life in me left.
I don’t get excited about anything anymore. I’m more of have a plan but go with the flow as well kind of person and I’m sick and tired living like a robot.

@Maxentia yes that’s the standard answer ’go for a walk’, I’ve stopped engaging with him on an emotional level long time back.

@Shettani

I wonder 🤔 why he is so emotionally repressed then,
it must be like being married to one of those Robot 🤖 darlek from Dr Who children's series or something,

Is he on the spectrum neuro autism traits or was he brought up in boarding school or had traumatic childhood in his background or something else?

What a quirky weird kind of relantship

It sounds like somehow you are like psudeo mother figure role to him also..

@cerisepanther73 don’t have a good relationship with his parents- they compare their children etc.

im not perfect but I think I want to live a life where I wake up everyday with some hope. And not constantly talk about AI chat got work etc. Most of it I’m being talked at- if I point out then it’s ’I’m learning’

Omg, go live your life! Perfect doesn't exist and treating every thread that makes up your life as something to be analysed and fixed sounds miserable, exhausting and dull. Go go go!

You could analyse him a bit more and no doubt you will, as that's part of the ''process'' imo, the run up to making that decision to leave. But in the end, it has to be about you. Questions about you. Are you brave enough? Are you ok with the enormous amount of disruption, upset, administration, organisation, and financial uncertainty that comes with starting again. I waited until things were so bad that the answers were obvious. Ie, not saying ''i'm so brave, I left when i was merely pondering these issues''. I mean, i left it until things were SO awful that I left for my sanity. And in a way, that's easier. What's really hard is when it's tolerable. You function. You have a roof over your head. No fights if you ask for nothing.

If a genie appeared and said to you, ok @Shettani here's the choice for you to make.............I press fast forward on your life. You lose one whole year of your life. you're now a year old, maybe even TWO. Your home as you know it is gone, you feel free, scared sometimes, afraid sometimes, worried sometimes, but you are free now ! You are content in your new home, it's peaceful and the worse of the ''horse trading'' and upset is behind you now.... Do you accept or reject that deal ??

obs nobody can ever press fast forward but i think it helps you get clarity, is it the exhausting process of splitting up that you can't face,, or if there's anything real that you're too sad to lose.

@BresciaBike yes the analysis - oh god help me. I stopped conversing about anyone else we meet in the house as that person couple will be analysed to death. It’s never ‘oh they are nice aren’t they’ it’s always ‘ he is calculating, she is not in line with thoughts, they are driven, xyz company, have interesting idea about the emerging market’ etc etc etc… I don’t talk much at all now

So as per him all my problems are because I am coupled I’m my room and don’t talk

He has sucked the life out of you and he'll do it to your daughter eventually.
Please leave, I think you'll find yourself feeling much much better when you aren't being subjected to him everyday.

Do you relate to this video at all. I don't mean to project. But because of my parents superficial level of interaction, i ended up with my x who had the same expectations of me, that I play my role. Both myparents and my x were very annoyed with me if I tried to connect ykwim, what they actually wanted was that stayed superficial.

Anyway, this video helped me a lot. but you haven't said enough for me to know if this is relevant to you.

check this out. It was very validating (imo)

I want to separate but he thinks I’m being silly

You don't need his permission to separate OP, you can go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling, or you can do it yourself online. I don't blame you for not really bothering to try and communicate with him any more - he sounds like an automaton. Please separate, before you totally lose the will to go on.

Here you go: https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

I agree, leave for your daughter's sake because your daughter will be performing some version of herself that helps dissipate the tension. She may not be aware of that, well, of course she won't be. But she'll be compensating in some way for the lack of connection between her mum and dad.

I bet that it feels slightly embarrassing to connect deeply with your daughter in his presence? Like it's too indulgent! too dramatic!

You too, it would be unlikely that you're feeling free to validate your daughter in her emotions with this robot listening. You want to be able to support her and ask her how she feels but I'm GUESSING that he might consider some of the questions you want to ask to ''upset her''. My mother and x would be like that. ie, even raising an issue with the intention of checking in and acknowledging the other person's experience; that is ''upsetting them''. Of course it's not! It's showing them that you care about their experience.

apologies if that's just projection on my part!

Thank you @Maxentia will view the video later

@Maxentia yes I’ve thought about the upheaval etc. it’s scary but its also scary to watch each day pass and your life slipping away…

@Shettani

He needs to get into some seriously deep therapy
Has ever done that tried it?

I sense he is far too damaged too far gone even after he have some kind of therapy he would still be struggling like bad or confused about the idea of this

@cerisepanther73 no- no way he would go into therapy.

@Shettani

Why what is he anxious Wary or fearful off about the idea of exploring his childhood and potentially to start addressing healing to a certain extant then,
obviously with effort from him then?

That video I linked explains why this type of person would not go to therapy imo. Some people are so disconnected from their emotions that they just feel angry with you when you challenge them to feel
They are without failings so therefore you must be angry/sensitive/insane/awkward/emotional. They have found a reality that is comfortable for them. A reality that doesn't challenge their blind spots. That works for them. They can delude themselves that they have NO issues to address.

So if you go to them with your subjective experience of them, they just can't fathom that YOU have an experience of them. THEY are the judge of how you feel, so for you to bring it to them that you feel unheard, dismissed, stifled et cetera by them, they will not reflect on that. They will be angry with you for being 1) demanding, 2) sensitive 3) dramatic, or any other derogatory attribute that disguises their own blind spot.