Feel guilty for advising friend to dump her boyfriend?

[zambe]

I have been friends with both the man and the woman in the former relationship. I knew them independently. They were together about five years.

For many many reasons, the writing was on the wall that they wouldn't last as a couple. The boyfriend has numerous opportunities to change behaviour/improve but he just wouldn't. He is such a lovely lovely guy but so timid and likely depressed.

The girlfriend is gregarious and very outgoing with a real zest for life. Her (ex) boyfriend was getting her down and she didn't see a long term future with him.

She asked me what she should do. I said if I were her, I think it would be kindest for both of you if you ended things so that you can find someone better suited. She agreed and said she needed to hear it from someone else too as she knew it would destroy him.

The boyfriend is now taking it very very badly and I feel awful that I played a role in it. Almost feel like I betrayed him, even though the relationship was doomed.

It’s sad that he is hurting, but as you would have given the exact same advice to him (i.e. to split) then it works both ways, he can now find someone better suited too. You’ve done nothing wrong and, if anything, your intervention (at your friend’s request, you weren’t being a sticky beak) has helped prevent something becoming long and drawn out.

Chin up, can you take him out for a drink and explain why you feel how you do, that you never intended to hurt him with your honest feedback, and how you think that it will benefit him in the longer term even if he doesn’t feel that way at this particular moment?

Never apologise for providing constructive feedback when it’s requested, some truths are harder to hear, but probably means there is more of a reason for them to be aired.

PS. And here’s a cwtch, because it sounds like you need one. 🤗

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I think you're giving your role in it too much importance.

You said it was on the cards anyway, so would've happened eventually.

Sounds very similar to something that happened to me in my early 20s only I was the vivacious one and ex was advised not to continue seeing me because I was 'unstable' and would need 'someone who could look after me...' (some childhood stuff I still hadn't healed from at the time.)

I'm 37 and happily married now but I do reflect on this and my three takeaways are:

1. You can't make anyone take your advice. She was obviously already having doubts and you gave your opinion.
2. I really don't know why people (often younger) put so much stock in advice from friends about such crucial stuff. I suppose it's because at various points in life, people don't always know their own minds, but at this point, I wouldn't put much stock in my friend's advice. I'd listen but ultimately do what felt right to me.
3. I do still slightly resent the friend even now who did this, because it was hurtful to hear that assessment of me, but ultimately it did help to motivate me to better myself and prove them wrong. I'm grateful for that.

Sorry to sidetrack, but I thought the perspective might help!

The longer you stay with someone that's wrong for you, the longer you waste their time. As well as your own.

And the longer it will be till you both find the right one.

So I'd tell him that it's sad their relationship is over but that he'll find someone that's more in tune with him and it'll be ok.