What do you do in this day and age about slightly "handsy" colleagues?

[Volvic2litres]

Male colleague who just gives me the ick. Nothing terrible, and I do have a jovial, slightly piss-taking relationship with him. But he tends to sort of find reasons to put his arm around me in jest, and pretty much picked me up (he's very big, I'm pretty small) the other day as a kind of joke. I would actually be fine with this with many males - I don't mind a bit of argy bargy, and like having a joke around at work. I just don't like it when THIS man does it. Definitely don't want to make a big deal of it, but how can I get him to stop without making it a big thing?
TIA

Please dont touch me

You need to involve HR. You shouldn’t feel you have to accept this from anyone.

And I hear you about not wanting to make it a big deal but creeps like this depend on how awkward it feels to say something. You can say something and if he sounds off, tell him it’s not a big deal and to chill out.

I think you probably also need to have a blanket view that its not ok for anyone, male or female, at work, to put an arm around you or pick u up, even tho, as you say, you wouldn't mind for some people - much simpler that way.

But it is a big deal. He wouldn’t do it to a male/older woman colleague. If you feel confident then tell him no. If not, involve HR

Thank you all - really appreciate the advice.

I feel slightly silly saying it, because it's not very frequent, but it's made me feel gross being in meetings with him. I actually don't even know why - it's not like I think he's about to assault me. I just find something about it yuck.

Oh, and I'm not some sweet young thing - I'm in my 40s! (He's probably about 55)

Thanks again

OP you could start by not minimising the issue with words like 'handsy'
I feel blessed really to have mostly worked with women most of my life and not had to deal with this sort of thing (which borders on sexual assault IMO)
Does this man behave like this to other men?
Of course not. At the very least this is a display of dominance from him.
Don't worry about his feelings, he isn't worrying about yours.
'Don't do that' will suffice, no explanation, please, thank you or sorry needed

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the display of dominance, @newtlover. Thank you. That's what it feels like (with sort of sexual undertones, but mostly dominance). (When you said that, it also occurred to me that he's really bitter about not having been promoted - and I have joined the team on a higher grade than he is. I wonder if this is related...).

I worked with a guy who used to tickle me. No one else, just me. Everyone loved him so much. I found him creepy and I detest being tickled. I had bruises on my stomach in the end. I was only 21 and too timid to say anything. Now it would be “don’t touch me” or straight to HR.
Be loud. Be direct.

Ew, I'm really sorry to hear that @Chipsahoy .

Yeah, I’d say it was related! He’s angry because you’re in the position he feels he should be in and he wants to assert his dominance over you. If you were a man, he’d either invite you to play golf or grudgingly accept it. But you’re a woman and you need to understand that he is more powerful than you.

I think that the next time he approaches you, you hold up one finger and loudly and calmly say, do not touch me. If —when— he does the faux ‘but I don’t understand, it’s only a joke’ the do exactly what @AtrociousCircumstance suggested. Tell him to calm down and that it’s not a big deal so he doesn’t need to get himself all upset about it. You’re not demanding an apology or suggesting he’s a creep or going to HR. But he is going to stop touching you, whether he wants to or not. And when he does the inevitable ‘Sorry, I can’t hand Volvic this pen in case she accuses me of sexually assaulting her again’ then you tell him that you understand his position, you’d hoped he’d accept that he couldn’t go round picking random women up, but as he’s obviously struggling with that concept, it’s probably best to let HR handle it from there on. And bloody make sure you go straight there.

Glare at him and loudly say "keep your hands to yourself".

Aside note, female friend worked for the police and at an assertive training day they were told to say "when you touch me, or say certain things, it makes me feel uncomfortable".

Made me very angry, because that response is exactly what was intended, that resonse would be a groper's delight!

What do you think you are doing? Keep your hands to yourself

every time

can’t take a joke love? Or I didn’t mean anything - repeat the above keep your hands to yourself

excellent advice there from @Whothefuckdoesthat

Hold hand up and say “don’t touch me!” when he’s on his way in. If he has the nerve to act offended, say something along the lines of “thing is, Nige, I’m sure you aren’t a pervy creep who doesn’t understand what’s acceptable in the 21st century, but your behaviour makes it seem that way”. Let HR deal with the fallout.

He fancies you

Remain cool - even smile in the way that doesn't reach your eyes.

You don't need to say "please" just firmly and calmly and clearly - if it's audible to others so much the better- don't ever do that again, it's entirely inappropriate.

I agree with @Whothefuckdoesthat .

Say "don't touch me" firmly and use the hand signal, every time. Non-verbal communication is more powerful than words. If he doesn't pack it in, involve HR.

Don't minimise this. The days when it was normal for men to touch and grope women in the workplace are long gone. This is harassment and most employers have strong HR policies forbidding it. Men like your colleague know it's wrong, but they also know they can make it difficult for women to complain. Don't let him get away with it.

My stock response has always been "don't touch what you can't afford pal".

Please don’t say this as it could be misinterpreted as a joke.

You can say, don’t touch me, which is enough.

@bevelino , believe me the way I say it they definitely know it's not a joke! It's all in the delivery.

Has never failed in over 30 years of dealing with sleazy colleagues in the finance industry.

So grateful for the responses on this thread - thanks all.
It's made me see things really quite differently, and given me more confidence that it's not on. I also reflected on my statement that I wouldn't mind it if any of the other men I work with did what this guy does - that it's him giving me the ick - and just realised that none of the others ever WOULD do this. Never. The "picking me up" incident was in response to me gently taking the piss after he unnecessarily got arsey and controlling about something (the picking up was to put me back in my place, I guess) - and I've realised I wouldn't accept that response even from my partner. He's just put in another complaint about his lack of promotion, and I guess I can understand he must be frustrated. But, yeah, don't take it out on people physically...

I know it’s difficult to say ‘please don’t touch me’ to someone you get on with and have a bantery relationship with at work but that’s not your problem. That’s his problem. If it feels awkward, that’s because he has brought that to your door and he’s flexing his power dynamic to suit him.

Trust me, once you say it, and yes, he may get arsey, because those sort of entitled pricks do if you burst their little ego bubble but once you get past that you’ll feel a lot better and empowered to deal with it next time. The more you claim your bodily autonomy, the easier it gets. And eventually you’ll just drop the ‘please’.

Loudly

'Ugh, get off me. What do you think you're doing?'