Really struggling with the reality of my life

[Frenchticos]

Just wondering if others feel like this - have you found a way to acceptance at all?

Im a single parent to two kids, one with SEN. Was with ex for a long time (20 years), he had an affair. Tbh he was never the right person for me, I just didn’t have the confidence to have the life I wanted ( did actually call the wedding off but then ended up getting married). Don’t get me wrong I did love him and support him a lot - but he wasn’t my soul mate. We are actually friends now as he was right to end it.

Because of my son I’m very trapped in my life. I’m someone who should never have had children I think if I’m honest. I try my best to be a parent but it isn’t enough for me. I love my children very much but I feel like who I am is slowly dying inside.

I’d worked hard to accept my reality and tried to build a life - have good friends and have started doing activities I enjoy where I can ( my son won’t have babysitters so this limits me). Tried to make the best of work as I’m tied to where I am because I need the flexibility.

I recently started OLD however and had a brief fling with a guy. It didn’t go anywhere and actually suspect he was using me as bored. But he was so cultured and interesting and had exactly the type of life I’d wanted when younger. It was like stepping out of my reality for a bit back into who I used to be, the person I really am. I know it wasn’t real I really do but I’m just finding it so hard to step back into reality. I don’t think it was about him tbh but what he represented.

Anyway I’m now struggling to find acceptance again and I need to. I do know I chose to have kids and my responsibility is to them, I really do. But it’s just so hard to let go of who I am.

You don't let go of who you are - you just express a different side of you whilst you have responsibilities for the children especially when they are younger

You're allowed to have interests outside of your kids, OP :)

What was it about the 'cultured' man's lifestyle/interests that appealed? What did you enjoy doing or want to do pre-kids? What do you daydream about? These kind of questions can help open up some new avenues of thought. Perhaps your identity has been bound up with being a mum so long that it would benefit you to think of yourself as something additional.

We are all flexible though - we grow and change in whichever direction we like if we decide to. Don't write yourself off because you've spent some years nurturing a family. Get back into reading/whatever cultured things you did before exDH. Rediscover your passions and start again with them.

I am a single mum and to be honest never managed to pay for much child care so have missed out on a decade and a half of hobbies. I've recently not been well and that has really made me realise how much of my own time I have wasted. Once I am better I fully intend to pack more into my days and get me back. It is easier once DC are more independent so change isn't always immediate. It sounds as though you have an idea of what you want your life to look like anyway, which is the best start.

Thanks all - my eldest is 12. Because of his SEN independence seems a long way away.

Re the person who was cultured - I suppose I always wanted to work in the arts. I enjoyed talking to him, he was intelligent and just interesting. I have tried to build these interests into my life. It’s like I can’t stop thinking it’s all or nothing though if that makes any sense? I don’t want interests as add ons. I travelled a lot when younger and I miss that so much, being tied to one place is just hard. And I’m late 40s so times feels like it’s slipping. My son has ADHD and sometimes I wonder if I do too as I feel the world so intensely, get caught up in things and can’t find balance. I feel a bit like I’ve tried so hard to be this selfless person for my kids ( I have no family support) just like I tried really hard to be happy being married, having a good job and a house. I can see how privileged I am. I know I have to be sensible. But I feel scared as it’s like I just don’t know if I can keep doing it. The desire to walk away is almost overwhelming at times. I was always confident I never would, but sometimes now I am scared I could.

I totally get how ridiculous I sound - I honestly do! This is why I want to find a way to somehow manage it.