Do people really say things like this?

[Shan5474]

Sorry if this is rambly!

The context is basically that people keep trying to use me for emotional dumping or constant emotional support and I just can’t handle it. Recently I suggested a friend get a therapist and she just replied “but I have you…”

I find other people’s feelings can be overwhelming and hard to cope with in large quantities. I don’t understand why people do it to me of all people, so I think it must be a lack of boundaries/lack of knowing how to word things. Yes another MNer who doesn’t know to set boundaries 🤦‍♀️. My parents were both alcoholics, they had no time for my feelings but I had to constantly decipher theirs (why other people’s feelings weigh heavily on me). They taught me very little about healthy friendships/relationships (why I find it hard to know what to say when people overstep what I can handle).

I have a therapist and she’s great but she says she can’t tell me what to do or say which is fair enough. So I did some googling and all the examples of what to say to an emotional dumper are really mean sounding?? (Examples in an image). I can’t imagine saying these to someone I actually like and want to hang out with, only maybe a distant relative I don’t care about. So if this isn’t what people say, what DO they say when a friend tries to emotional dump or use them as a therapist?

I've definitely used the last one. Don't let people dump on you emotionally. You'll end up completely drained. Relationships have to be give and take. Use the sentences as a template and find something you're comfortable saying.

Can you think of people you know who don’t get sucked into these conversations? But still manage to have friendships.

ime they say things like
“this is getting waaaay too heavy” and change the subject
or they talk a lot about themselves, or make excuses to leave/hang up.

That one’s definitely the least harsh and the one I like the most in the examples. I used to say something similar to my stepmum but unfortunately it would just delay the dumping

I wrote her a letter and mixed in the fact that I was no longer able to discuss Topic X any further.

She dumped me. I'm not sorry.

I am the dumpee but honestly I've tried not doing it and end up doing it anyway. I have to absorb other people's troubles a lot. I don't have anyone to off load on. Did try off loading on a OH but he asked me to stop and HE was overwhelmed. It's a funny dynamic, I don't really emotionally dump on anyone, it's not deliberate, I just don't feel the need, but it's clear I am a clearly visible target for others because everyone comes to me. I must invite it, I'm not sure how, but I must.

Those suggestions almost all seem terrible. Except perhaps for the one limiting phone calls to 15 mins.

They don't seem too harsh, just verbose, jargony, disingenuous. Surely it is easier - not to mention more effective - to be less elaborate.

TBH, though, I don't really understand the particular dynamic that is being discussed on this thread. I'm not doubting it; I just find it so alien to my experience that I can't get a handle on it. As a rather shy person, I tend to allow/encourage other people to open up to me, which enables me to say relatively little). This does mean that, quite often, people do massively emotionally dump on me, but not in a way that is draining. It just seems that they need to talk things out and I am just a pair of ears. Nothing much else is expected of me. So it feels reasonably peaceful.

What is it, OP, that feels so draining? Is it that you feel compelled to offer quite intensive and detailed responses? Why? And could you try changing your own responses, rather than their offloading, in order to make the interactions more bearable. Just listen without offering more than minimal responses?

You have to change the language to suit how you talk, that’s what I found.

I’m working class and couldn’t have sent any of these. They’d be like “who does she think she is?!” and probably take the piss 😂It’s all counselling speak.

Trying to explain your inner workings to people will generally get an eye-roll. You might be better off just tapering off your support. Stop being useful, give shit replies with no validation and keep changing the subject.

Be as boring as possible when you want people to sod off. Works a treat.

When your friend said ‘but I have you’ that was probably your cue to say ‘but honestly I don’t feel equipped to help any more - you know I care about you and I really want to support you but I’ve got a lot of my own stuff to be dealing with too and it’s getting a bit much to be honest’ or something like that.

Do these people ever ask how you are? If they do, do you tend to just go ‘yeah fine’ and then leave all the space for them to start on their emotional ramblings? Maybe try starting the interaction with an indication that you’re not up for a long session as a counsellor - easier to set that out out front rather than trying to extricate yourself once it’s underway. Something about what a long week it’s been for you or work has been stressful or whatever - and that you’re not up for much more than comparing notes on the new series of Bridgerton/ insert any lighthearted topic that makes sense for you.

Once they’ve started I don’t think there’s anything too wrong with saying ‘I’m really sorry mate, that sounds awful and I really wish I could be more help. I’m glad you feel like talking to me helps, but I really am struggling myself at the moment and I’m not sure I’m the best person to be having this conversation with right now. Have you thought any more about my suggestion of counselling?.’ (That’s true even if the thing you’re struggling with is having to listen to them bang on about themselves all the time!)

That all sounds really sensible, AliasGrape, but I think I would be much more brief than the form of words in your final para. I'd go with something much shorter -- something that gave the other person fewer 'hooks' for continuing to expect input. In particular I wouldn't ask an open question like 'Have you thought any more about my suggestion of counselling?'

The best thing might just be to say "That sounds hard" and then move on to another topic. That is a way to clarify that you have heard her compassionately but you don't want to offer more than that.

Obviously you would have to keep repeating the same short message each time the person came back with more of the same. But eventually you would be weaning her off whatever responses that you have been providing which cause her to come back for more.

If she continues to offload after that, that is your clue that she only wants a listener. Then there are two possibilities: Either you feel reasonably happy with 'just being a listener' (quiet in the exchange, without any obligation to actively find solutions for her, your inner peace intact because you are moderately detached from what she is saying), or you are still unhappy because you want more reciprocity, more of a chance to reveal yourself.

If the former, I would just keep up with the same solution: "That sounds hard. What are you watching on Netflix these days?" If the latter (and only in that case), I might switch to invoking my own struggles as a reason why my ability to attend to hers has run its course (or temporarily run its course)