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Original poster

Some advice re adult children and holiday

26 replies

holidaydramalama · 26/05/2024 07:31

We are currently away with our three adult children dd 24, dd 22 and ds19. We also have a 8 year old son.

Dd 22 has adhd but manages it amazingly. Ds 8 is autistic and needs a lot of support.

We are currently on holiday. Ds struggled the first day or so but has created a routine and is having a great holiday.
We are all inclusive, in the day we have done a couple day trips but mostly done pool or beach. Sometimes adults kids come with us, sometimes they do their own stuff. All fine.
Evenings we get dinner then go to the entertainment. After a bit ds struggles with noise so will ask to sit in a quieter area which we do and have been playing cards, chatting.

Last few nights I've noticed dd24 has seemed really annoyed On an evening. The first night I thought it was because she had wanted to do something different to us in day. But no one else did so she ended up coming along.

But her mood carried on every night, I kept asking her what's wrong but she just says everything is fine. Then Last night she had a go at me saying the issue is she doesn't want to go sit somewhere quieter . She was angry and shouted. Because she feels like we should have asked her what she wanted to do.

But I feel she needed to tell us if there's a problem so we could figure out a solution . The problem is the other adult kids are happy to do what's best for our asd son so don't mind going somewhere quieter. But dd resents it.

My issue is she gets angry a lot at me , her dad, her siblings, boyfriend.

I want to address this with her as I feel it's not fair her constantly taking everything out on others.

But should I do this on holiday or wait until we are home? She's a very prickly character so not easy to talk to. But I'm sick of her moods spoiling everything.

Thanks

OP posts:
RobinHood19 · 26/05/2024 07:36

I’m sorry, have I read that right - she’s 24?

  1. Why is she allowed to spoil a family holiday she’s presumably not paying for, at her age?

  2. She’s 24 - why does she feel like she can’t stay back in the busier bits of the resort by herself!? Is someone forcing her to go somewhere quieter with her brother? At her age I wouldn’t have even questioned staying behind on my own or just wandering off to spend some time by myself.

RobinHood19 · 26/05/2024 07:37

Also, if she wants to do something different during the day - she should go ahead and do it!

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2024 07:39

She's 24 and time for her to go on holiday on her own or with friends.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

19 years old 8 year olds Families SEN
Mumblechum0 · 26/05/2024 07:39

24 is very old to be going on holiday with parents. Sounds like she’s outgrown it.

Original poster
holidaydramalama · 26/05/2024 07:43

RobinHood19 · 26/05/2024 07:36

I’m sorry, have I read that right - she’s 24?

  1. Why is she allowed to spoil a family holiday she’s presumably not paying for, at her age?

  2. She’s 24 - why does she feel like she can’t stay back in the busier bits of the resort by herself!? Is someone forcing her to go somewhere quieter with her brother? At her age I wouldn’t have even questioned staying behind on my own or just wandering off to spend some time by myself.

Yes she's 24. I think she wants to do something different but then gets frustrated because her siblings want to come with us.

I'd have no issue with her doing her own thing.

She did pay for herself, she works full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
holidaydramalama · 26/05/2024 07:46

I do agree she probably doesn't need to come away with us anymore. She didn't come a couple of times but her siblings did , I think she felt like she was missing out.

Any advice on how to broach this with her? And should I do it now or bite my tongue. ?

Her mood is spoiling it for everyone.

OP posts:
Motnight · 26/05/2024 07:47

She's 24. Family holidays obviously no longer work for or with her. It's no biggie, but she needs to stop shouting about it.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/05/2024 08:02

Sounds like you need to have a calm talk with her. She obviously needs to communicate what she wants better. Re family holidays - lots of adult children still enjoy them (we're going away with our 25 yo and her BF next week and have already booked something for next year).
But if your DD doesn't enjoy them then she doesn't need to come . Maybe she could sometimes do something different with one or both of the other older sibs if she likes their company but wants to do something more 'young adult'?
And obviously, if she does come with you, same applies. Maybe some of the communication needs to be from you - eg ask them all if they want to move somewhere quiet or if some of them want to stay put or do something else entirely. Going away as a family shouldn't mean you all have to do everything together.

jackstini · 26/05/2024 08:05

You explain that you have to go with ds because of his age and it's what he needs. Just like when she was 8, you would do what's best for her

Reiterate she can stay in the busy part and so can her siblings if they want to, but she can't dictate that you all do

Is there a compromise that one night ds plus 1 parent goes back to room/quiet area and 4 people stay in the busy part?

Dd is frustrated that if she wants to be there, she has to be on her own. She doesn't want to be lonely and she snapped and took it out on you.

She's just annoyed at the situation - she's got to choose either lonely in the area she wants or with you but bored. So she's having a bit of a strop as she can't have what she wants!

Original poster
holidaydramalama · 26/05/2024 08:16

jackstini · 26/05/2024 08:05

You explain that you have to go with ds because of his age and it's what he needs. Just like when she was 8, you would do what's best for her

Reiterate she can stay in the busy part and so can her siblings if they want to, but she can't dictate that you all do

Is there a compromise that one night ds plus 1 parent goes back to room/quiet area and 4 people stay in the busy part?

Dd is frustrated that if she wants to be there, she has to be on her own. She doesn't want to be lonely and she snapped and took it out on you.

She's just annoyed at the situation - she's got to choose either lonely in the area she wants or with you but bored. So she's having a bit of a strop as she can't have what she wants!

Thanks this is great

OP posts:
ssd · 26/05/2024 08:21

She's angry because she's still going on holiday with her family at 24.

Time she grew up.

Mumblechum0 · 26/05/2024 09:17

Is she still living with you?

Original poster
holidaydramalama · 26/05/2024 09:34

Mumblechum0 · 26/05/2024 09:17

Is she still living with you?

Not full time, she went to uni at 18, stayed in her uni town for a year after and last year travelled for a year. She's been back about 8 months and splits her time between ours and her boyfriend's house.

Part of the issue may be she hasn't lived full time with h her youngest brother since he was a toddler so may not realise how challenging he is.

Also her younger sister was full on as a child with undiagnosed ADHD so I wonder if she feels triggered by that. And it reminds her of that feeling like she had to go along with stuff.

OP posts:
Mumblechum0 · 26/05/2024 10:18

Well, sounds like she'd have a lot more fun going on holiday with her partner or friends.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 26/05/2024 10:36

Talk to her now while you're away. Try and do it 1:1. She's capable of living independently, travelling, working etc she needs to be able to look at your situation in a more adult way. Give her time to talk but also don't pander to her every whim. She can talk to your other older dc and work something out with them re the evening entertainment. There's enough of you to make sure all needs are covered.

RobinHood19 · 26/05/2024 11:23

Any advice on how to broach this with her? And should I do it now or bite my tongue. ?

Her mood is spoiling it for everyone.

When someone spoils the mood for everyone around them, you pull them up on it immediately. I didn’t realise this wasn’t obvious? Don’t allow her to ruin it for the others (even if she’s paid her share) - tell her as soon as she starts moaning that you won’t accept that. You shouldn’t do it now - you should have done it the first time she complained. Be ready for the next I’d say!

Original poster
holidaydramalama · 27/05/2024 09:26

RobinHood19 · 26/05/2024 11:23

Any advice on how to broach this with her? And should I do it now or bite my tongue. ?

Her mood is spoiling it for everyone.

When someone spoils the mood for everyone around them, you pull them up on it immediately. I didn’t realise this wasn’t obvious? Don’t allow her to ruin it for the others (even if she’s paid her share) - tell her as soon as she starts moaning that you won’t accept that. You shouldn’t do it now - you should have done it the first time she complained. Be ready for the next I’d say!

Edited

Thank you I have done this. It does stop it the only downside is she doesn't see where she's in the wrong. If anything she views herself as the victim.

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 27/05/2024 09:47

It's a shame one of her siblings doesn't agree to stay in the noisier area a couple of times in the week I admit, or one parent - yes one has additional needs but that doesn't mean you all have to do that every night. We would split up so my gregarious child got the activities she liked and her asd sister's needs were met too. Even as young adults I try to meet both their needs

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 27/05/2024 09:58

I wonder if based on what you said about her sister this is a bit more deeply rooted. I wonder if it has felt for her like you prioritise her other siblings (understandable because of their needs but also challenging for her). I think it's about talking calmly together and finding a compromise - for example, could you have a mum and daughter night one of the nights and your partner/or older adult siblings go and play cards with the 8 year old. I understand she probably hasn't communicated her desires effectively but give her a chance to work it through with you and ways you can show her she is a priority to you too.

ferryboatscrubcaps · 30/05/2024 07:35

mitogoshi · 27/05/2024 09:47

It's a shame one of her siblings doesn't agree to stay in the noisier area a couple of times in the week I admit, or one parent - yes one has additional needs but that doesn't mean you all have to do that every night. We would split up so my gregarious child got the activities she liked and her asd sister's needs were met too. Even as young adults I try to meet both their needs

Good point we did try to after we knew why she was upset

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 30/05/2024 08:33

Are these children all with the same father? I only ask due to the age difference between DC3 and 4.
All four of your children are on holiday with you. The age range as well as personalities mean that they all want to do different things. DC1 (and 2 & 3?) have paid for the holiday themselves and are presumably using up annual leave which I also feel makes a difference compared to if they had been paid for. Yet everything is revolving around DC4. This is understandable but will build up resentment.
I think that rather than "having a word" with DC1, you need to have a chat with all three of the older DC and see what they want to do and then divide and conquer. It may be as simple as DH taking DC4 back to the quiet area this evening and you stay with DC1 in the noisier area or it may be that you & DC1 go out and do something during the day or something else.
Also, whilst she's in her 20s, she won't be the only person who reverts to being a bratty teen the moment she is back with her parents & siblings. I can do that and I'm late 40s with DC of my own.

deplorabelle · 30/05/2024 11:06

Just a left field suggestion is she on any medication or hormonal contraception? I spent my twenties feeling alternately angry and exhausted until I realised it was progesterone in my combined pill sending me absolutely mental. I have major regret for all the fuckups I made and the people I fell out with in that time.

ferryboatscrubcaps · 30/05/2024 12:09

deplorabelle · 30/05/2024 11:06

Just a left field suggestion is she on any medication or hormonal contraception? I spent my twenties feeling alternately angry and exhausted until I realised it was progesterone in my combined pill sending me absolutely mental. I have major regret for all the fuckups I made and the people I fell out with in that time.

I agree it definitely messes with your head! A good thing to consider

Precipice · 30/05/2024 12:17

ssd · 26/05/2024 08:21

She's angry because she's still going on holiday with her family at 24.

Time she grew up.

Why does 'growing up' to you mean cutting or limiting contact with your family? Most people don't get that much annual leave, so a shared holiday represents a lot of shared time together.

Nothing odd about continuing to holiday with your family as an adult. Most people have good relationships with their families and enjoy spending time together. There is a problem currently with DD24 and this holiday in the OP, but it's not intrinsic to grown up DD/DS on a family holiday.

In particular, because of the large age difference between the oldest and the 8 year old, if they don't go on holiday together, they're going to get substantially less time to develop any sort of significant relationship. Time on holiday together is worth more than time at home together, since at home people have other commitments and might spend time alone in their rooms, while on holiday families tend to do stuff together.

MargaretThursday · 30/05/2024 14:28

I suspect it's a long time of feeling her feelings and wants never getting considered
Couldn't you have had one day where you or dh went and did something with her on her own if the younger pair don't like what she likes?

I was the "easy" one growing up and one of the reasons I quickly stopped going on things like that was the feeling that it was always expected that I would back down on what I wanted to do, because the other two were more inclined to have major strops if not doing what they want.
If ever I pointed it out I got "tell me what you want.. well we can't do that because siblings don't want to". On the very odd time I tried to push it, I was the selfish one for not considering my siblings and could I please not say any more in case they were upset by me
The one time I really did explode at my parents I was in my 20s, it wasn't really that time that mattered-I had backed down several times already that day going from "just a little compromise to what we said to full on the one thing I'd said I didn't want", but it was more the lifetime of not being listened to.