Getting over fear, of life in general and doing specific things

[Dustyblue]

Fear is taking over my life at the moment. Long story short, my partner of 23 years broke up with me last month. We're now legally separated under the same roof. We have an 8 y/o child with SEN & other medical problems. I'm in Australia, so no doubt the laws differ in the UK, but I don't want to talk about all that right now.

I can only deal with this bombshell by taking it in very small bites, if that makes sense? As in, where are we going to live, money, telling our child, it's all spinning in my head.

So I wrote a list, of the most important things I need to organise. First up is getting my driver's license back, after 20 years. I can never be free of STBX if I can't drive my child around. I had a drink driving offence over 20 years ago and lost my license for 18 months. I still quiver to think what could've happened if the police hadn't stopped me.

To get my license back here in OZ after such a long time, I have to do a course on drink driving, appear in court to ask for my licence back, and the Magistrate will then sentence me to a period with an interlock device. This happens for all drink driving offences in Australia. You MUST have a device fitted to your car and pay a private company to record the data. It's not inexpensive. Then you go back to court with a 'clean' driving record from the interlock company and get your license back in full.

So for this you need a dedicated car. You can't put the device on a family car as the court can't split the driving record.

Financing a car, even any bullshit car just to put the device on, will be hard but not impossible. it's the FEAR of ALL OF THIS that's stopping me.

Thx if you made it through this. How do you control fear and force yourself to do things you badly don't want to do?

Do you have your own source of income? I think you do it in stages simply as you've put here. Detach from it.

Step one: apply for course.
Step two: go on course.
Step three: go to court.

Etc
Etc

Write it out and keep it somewhere and slowly tick it off.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship breaking down. Take the time you need and be kind to yourself.

Many years ago, my sister lent me the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway". It's old now, but I found it very helpful. Take home message is that the fear is normal. Brave people are not fearless. They do feel fear, but they do what needs to be done.
Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway https://amzn.eu/d/a86plT7

Are you fearful of other things as well as this task?

I know what it's like.

However, the anticipation is 99.9% worse than doing the actual act.

I set a timer for ten minutes. Do as much of the dreaded task as I can for ten minutes. Whatever admin or work it is.

Then do the same in a couple of hours.

The anticipation is definitely worse than the real thing. Start small. Today. First step - once that’s done, you’ll feel slightly more empowered. “I was afraid this first step would be so hard, but look at me, I’ve done it!”. Repeat. You can do this!

OP if you're anything like me, your fear is probably based in shame, feeling a chump for your past crimes. I think you must try and shrug off what happened 20 years ago and face what needs doing without anxiety about being judged. You were a different person then. Seize your new life with courage and curiosity. Good luck!

Great advice here. Good luck op

Getting your licence back is your step to freedom. Focus on that, however hard it is.

Thanks all so much. Your kindness means a lot.

I have depression/anxiety anyway, so this has just ramped it up. Luckily I've a good GP and will be starting sessions with a psychologist in 2 weeks. Another scary thing that must be done.

But you are all SO correct about the anticipation being worse. I know that but can't seem to stop myself feeling the panic.

Thanks again

It is ok to feel panic. It is ok to feel fear.

Much of it though stems from inaction.

I feel elated when I have done the smallest of tasks that have been bothering me for days or weeks.

Thanks all. I made 2 phone calls today related to the license issue and printed a document to deal with tomorrow.

Baby steps & deep breaths.

Just been re-reading this thread for motivation. Thanks again to everyone who's posted, you've really helped.

Next step in Project-License-Back is to visit the local authority (here it's called VicRoads). I'm in a rural/regional area & the closest office to me is 30 mins drive away. Oh the irony! In this information age, we're reduced to this?

A friend has offered to drive me there next week. That way I can get all the info I need (hopefully) to tick off the rest of the process.

Then the rest of it.... eeek. Baby steps!

Thanks all again

Well done on making a start. If you’re someone who somatises fear, it might help to do relaxation exercises, mindfulness, or hints to help regulate your breathing.

you could take the first step, and remember taking that does not commit you to all the other steps, if it works out as too much. But I am sure just taking the first step will get you on a path to getting all the other steps done and finding the confidence for them.

you could take the first step, and remember taking that does not commit you to all the other steps, if it works out as too much

This is such good advice. I tend to think too far ahead & get more anxious as a result.

Thanks X

@Dustyblue I'm glad it was helpful! You can do it! (The very first step, at the very least!). Could you ask a friend to sit with you while you take that first step? Or even phone on your behalf or something? That might help. :)

Thank you again! My friend is driving me to the next-town-over to sort out the 1st step. She's great at giving a hand-hold.

There are SO many other tasks to go, it's hard to separate them! I also need to figure out how my now-ex partner and I will each find somewhere to live. We're still in our house with DS. It's the classic situation where a couple who own a house together break up, sell the house, and neither have enough money to live anywhere else.

But that's a whole different thread. Thanks again for your words X

@Dustyblue you're doing so well! I think just putting one foot in front of the other is the best policy whereby you're not sure what step to do next. Then the path will reveal itself as you go. Also, if a problem seems too big, I tend to do a little bit then focus on something different. When you come back to the main problem it's like your subconscious has worked on it without you consciously doing it and decided what step next is best, so a little break often helps, as long as you return again. Good luck with the moving sorting!

My other tiny tip is to do tiny bursts of things I hate. 1-2 minutes. I hate doing my accounts for my business so I schedule in 1 or 2 mins a day. This I can manage. The next day I am often inspired to do more than a few minutes, as making a start helped so much. As long as i put in these micro sessions daily I can feel like I have made an effort on the problem and it is moving along, which is very helpful for mindset - and also the problems seem to resolve themself. So just schedule in mini amounts of time for each issue, but do them daily.

Thank you! You made me cry but in a good way.

You should be a life coach or psychologist or something X

@Dustyblue aww that is sweet of you to suggest. I've had a lot of really big issues somewhat similar to yourself in my life that have forced me to come up with strategies like these as I was absolutely terrified to confront them and these were the only way I could do it. I've learned lessons the hard way and I'm still not perfect but at least now I know some strategies that actually work and also I think when you get into a habit of just addressing the problem bit by bit, and eventually solving it, it builds confidence so next time you will be less likely to procrastinate in the first place.

I wish you every success, you deserve it! And be kind to yourself. Whatever happened 20 years ago was a long time ago and you learned your lesson - and perhaps you were unhappy at the time and there was something deeper going on that you need to forgive yourself for. We all do silly things but need to find some self compassion for our mistakes - as long as we learn from them and don't repeat them they can be valuable lessons to us.

Sorry to revive an old thread, but I wanted to thank you all for the motivation. I actually re-read this to give me a calm down and a pick-up if that makes sense?

I'm well on track to getting my license back. In fact, I might be able to get an exemption from the interlock car device as my offense was 20+ years ago. That will save so much money.

I have several documents to attend to, just sitting there, but I'll do it slowly.

So, progress! Thanks again

So happy to hear you've made such great progress! Congratulations and keep going. How are you feeling?

@Dustyblue congrats on getting so far, so pleased as it sounded like you were really struggling. Keep up the great work!

Thanks so much. Still struggling, so many issues regarding separating a 23-year relationship. But this one issue will give me such a boost once it's done.

That's only natural. It's a big change. But keep doing it step by step and let yourself process what you need to.