ASD parents - birthday parties/play dates?

[Brokenbey]

Dd is almost six and autistic.

just left another birthday party after 30 minutes as dd was not coping. Now dealing with the emotional fallout of making her leave and selfishly feel weirdly ashamed as though I was doing the walk of shame or something while everyone was watching me.

it’s the same every time, although this is the first time I have made her leave early. Usually the majority of the party is spent outside away from the party itself, or with me carrying her. She just does not cope with it. It’s similar on play dates to an extent. I’m at a point where I feel like just saying no to any future party invitation, is that bad? Am I doing her a disservice?

feeling very deflated. The older she gets the bigger the divide feels between her and her peers, and to an extent also between me and the parents 😞

Sorry that you're feeling deflated.

Have you worked out exactly what it is that overwhelms her? And tried to manage and/or avoid that?

Is it social interaction? Too much noise? Bright lights? Etc.

I think it's more of a disservice to take her somewhere that there's a high chance of her having a meltdown.

I am sorry to hear about your day. Does she get any pleasure from the parties? If not perhaps arrange something else you know would suit her better .

Maybe some a trip to the park with the birthday child? And a treat? What does she enjoy to do that could be done perhaps one to one play date?

Does she want to go? Is she verbal and able to tell you?

I’ve had to let go of a lot of expectations as to what my autistic dc might enjoy

Does she enjoy them at all?

My autistic child finds birthday parties hard, but also loves being included in them- often is not included/ invited. Often spends a lot of time sat on my lap or taking some time away from the other children, but that's okay as long as my child gets something from it.

We also have to accept that my DC cannot do other activities on the day if the party - it's so exhausting being in that noisy, unfamiliar environment that we have to keep the rest of the day clear.

This feels completely like my life except mine is 4. It is so depressing. What’s she like at school?

My DS is 11 now and hasn't been invited to any birthday parties since he was 5 or 6. He is luckily oblivious or I can imagine I'd be upset for him. He struggled with parties when younger and we left a few early, but the parents were always supportive. You need to change your mindset really, I arrange activities and trips he'll enjoy. I mourned the loss of his typical childhood many years ago when we got the diagnosis, and now it's just a different childhood, not less.

We left a couple and found a few others really hard. DS loved them though. I always had to stay beyond the age where everyone left. I often deployed ear defenders and would take him out for a few minutes’ break every so often, just to chill or to do a mini sensory circuit. Some worked better than others. The walk of shame is never easy, at a birthday party or elsewhere.

I sometimes would say in advance that we might not last long (and why, if it was to a parent who didn’t know DS’s diagnoses or did know but wouldn’t necessarily infer how they might affect him at a party) but that we were really grateful for the invite as DS loved parties and/or was really fond of the birthday child.

Everyone talks about how you have to have a thick skin when you have a child with additional needs. The truth is none of us do, any more than other parents. We just bottle it up and let it out on here or elsewhere.

For his own parties I thought very hard about what would work for DS, keeping the sensory environment and number of children in mind but also the activity. We would do things outside where possible. When we’ve hired places I’ve asked them to turn the music off. As he’s gotten older we moved to special trips with just him and us. He seems to adore this. He still gets a cake and a party bag.

I could of wrote this post OP - we cancelled a party today as last weekends was another awful one (my son sits or jumps / stims in the corner or under a table with his chew not interacting with anyone!) I find them quite difficult as my son wants to go but then wants to leave as soon as we get there!

I'm finding it slowly easier to say no and try to change my mindset a little. Is there any ND / autism groups in your local area? We live in the North east and visit daisy chain frequently- it's been a lifeline!

Give yourself permission to do what is best. If she enjoys part of it, go but pre warn the host that she may be only able to attend for a short time due to her needs. If she doesn't enjoy it at all, don't go. I used to try to do thi go that I knew would be awful. After a while I realised it was upsetting to me and to my child so we stopped doing unnecessary things that she didn't enjoy.

I’d really just say no to all but key friends - one of my DDs hates play dates and parties, hates having anyone in her bedroom, and she was the same from age 4 to her age now as a teen.

my other dd likes parties and play dates but can get really overwhelmed, before, after and during and it depends on the child/children for play dates and the particular activity and whether it’s challenging and new. So with her I still say no to non close friends (both for parties and play dates), and we’ll try and do a new activity with her before the party so it’s not new to her.

I know it gets you down but it’s normal for and kids and expecting them to like NT things because parties = fun is the issue. Took me at least three years to figure out dd1 wasn’t going to warm up to things!

Oh I agree with @Gruffling a birthday party or a play date could be all we do out of the house one weekend.

Definitely! Some of the other attendees would have had eg football practice beforehand and a family BBQ after. If we went to a party it would be the only thing we did that day, and possibly the whole weekend. I always felt like a bad parent, but it was what DS needed.

She is verbal and similar to pp she is keen to go, but when we get there just doesn’t cope. Ends up climbing all over me, rocking etc and doesn’t interact with anyone. Won’t partake in games. Soft play parties are a little better but I still need to go around with her/down slides with her etc so it feels like I’m drawing attention to her. I will usually take her outside but there was no outdoor space so we were sat with the adults all chatting while the kids were in another room. Just felt like we stood out like a sore thumb! School wise she struggles and doesn’t have friends but we recently moved her to a more friendly school so is happy for the most part. Going to put a pause on it for now and cancel the next few parties and see how we go. It’s silly but I feel so sad for her.

It's not silly at all. Of course you going to feel bad that she can't socialise like she wants.

It will take time, understanding, trial and error to manage her triggers to overwhelm.

My DS has asd and he hasn't had this issue but there is another child in his class who could not cope. His mother stopped him from going to parties from age 6-9. From 9 on he has been better able to cope and has been going to some again. I really think his mother did the right thing here for her child.

It has gotten easier as my dd has gotten older - she’s near 10 now and we see much less of the behaviour you describe @Brokenbey - but we are more strategic and choosy so partly we plan better for her.

sometimes it’s when things are going well that we over extend her, it’s always hard that line.

I totally understand op. The thing is though, I found I was looking at it from how I would feel as a kid sometimes rather than dd if that made sense? I would think of a party I was at and how awful I would have felt if I had to leave, but then my dd actually wants to leave so it’s really totally different and the right thing to do for her. Don’t feel bad at all, you are a great mum and you are doing all you can to be considerate of what your little one needs.

My 8 year old son is the same
He wants to go and have fun but he'll have a meltdown if it's too loud. It's embarrassing because he comes across as really rude. I keep telling him manners but it falls on deaf ears. He doesn't get invited often though. Only one boy invites him for playdates and that isn't too often
His mum is great so I don't mind so much but I'd worry if he went elsewhere..not that he will be mind